Since I became the boss, people hate me

“You really have to love yourself a lot to put up with being hated for 10 hours a day. This is what comes to Sarah*’s mind as she reflects bitterly on her years of management at a communications company. That was twenty years ago. When she is not yet 30, Sarah is recruited to lead a unit of twenty people, all older and more experienced than her. “Some people who had been there for years didn’t understand why I had the job,” he recalls. Then they created many obstacles for me, they didn’t come to the annual review meetings, they didn’t give me any reports so that I couldn’t report to my boss myself. They were all talking behind my back, I made some of them cry… the dialogue broke and I took it very badly. I went through two years of hell, two years of tears, before I resigned. »

What is it about the position of manager that can cause so much hatred? “The position itself not only causes envy and jealousy, but also creates particularly strong expectations on the part of employees, which can cause tension,” says professional psychologist Daphne Breton. Managers are not only required to achieve the goals set by the company, but they must also ensure the well-being of each member of their team. Who tend to hold them responsible for their condition or problems. It’s doubly difficult for women who are judged more harshly than their male counterparts, points out Soraa Urau, a women’s leadership and self-esteem coach. Subconsciously, we think that they really don’t deserve their place. »

Difficult landing

Hence widespread suffering. The latest Corporate Mental Health Barometer figures (1) show this. 41% of managers feel isolated and more than one in four struggle to reconcile the expectations of superiors and the needs of their team. “Isolation, hurtful words, pushed aside… All of these can be a source of anxiety,” warns Daphne Breton. We are social beings, and work is one of the environments where we come to seek this sociability. If there is individual tension or a deterioration of collective understanding, then it is the first lever of health care at work that disappears. »

The situation can deteriorate even before taking office, during the application period, regardless of the personality or skills of the future leader. “If his predecessor was forced out, or if the company brought in an outsider when they had internal candidates, the incoming person is not in the best position to be accepted by teams,” emphasizes Daphne Breton. Which can distract their new boss, as if making them pay for a decision they don’t understand. “It can be reinforced if the hierarchy does nothing to establish the legitimacy of the new leader,” he adds.

Solving these problems involves asking ourselves what our responsibility really is. In this case, it’s not about being popular.

Soraya Urau, Leadership Coach

Between the devil and the deep sea

In addition to the difficult landing, you still need to establish a relationship of trust once you land the job. A delicate operation… especially if team members feel they are being led by someone who doesn’t understand or be aware of their day-to-day issues. “Often the hierarchy doesn’t give managers the resources (human and financial resources, time, tools) to help their employees achieve goals, and they end up in a mismatched position,” explains Daphne Breton. Inevitably, the first to be devalued will be the boss, as he represents the hierarchy. But then how to react?

“Taking his place”. – answers women’s leadership coach Soraya Urau. Of course, such a situation presents its share of challenges, and significant ones at that. But they also provide opportunities to learn about yourself, improve professionally, and succeed in setting healthier boundaries with others. “Resolving these problems involves asking ourselves what our responsibility really is,” Soraya Urauy believes. In this case, it’s not about being popular. Rather, our role is to unite a team around common values. Hence the importance of defining them, which also requires working on your vision. And to make them famous.

Open discussion

In order to calm the relationship, the ideal is to be in the exchange and listen. Constantly. “We are interested in what works well, and especially what does not work,” encourages the professional psychologist. And there is no need to wait for employees to knock on our door, we will go to meet them. » It may be good to question the means that teams need to perform their tasks in good conditions; or scan everyone’s workload to spot a team member who is underwater or taking over someone else’s missions. Therefore, we can try to create both collective and individual time for discussion.

The leader also does not have all the power, and it is important to make that heard. Thus, making visible what we have communicated to the hierarchical superiors, and the responses received, allows us to recall everyone’s responsibilities. You can do this informally or by organizing regular meetings with your team.

Include your hierarchy

This is true in the other direction as well. If the situation gets out of control, it is strongly recommended to inform your superiors, whose role is also to intervene if necessary, especially in cases of abuse or even harassment. “If some have exceeded the limits allowed in the workplace, that required that the chef is supported by his hierarchy, supported by Daphne Breton. Otherwise, the door is open for him to find himself mistreated by teams. In addition to possible sanctions that can move things forward in the short and medium term, it is up to the organization to take responsibility and question what has caused this type of behavior by members of the organization. This also includes a review of the organization of work, so that goals may be revised to make them more attainable and to improve the working conditions of the entire team.

Form:

Including those of managers whose know-how is not innate. This is a position that requires, among other things, the ability to listen and delegate. And those skills can be acquired through training, which you can request from your superiors if they don’t offer it themselves. “It’s especially important to train with emotional intelligence,” says Soraa Urauy. Learning to empathize with others, but also with yourself, allows you to better understand your team. Psychology and communication training, as well as individual coaching sessions, can help. » 360° is also effective. asking for feedback from your superiors and your teams, areas for improvement, etc. Asking for or kind feedback is often less unpleasant than receiving, and it helps us move forward.

As for the abusive language you should be able to handle, why not try to develop your supporter? “Even introverted people are capable of it,” the coach thinks. But it requires training, without which we risk pulling ourselves back, losing even more of our resources and insight in difficult situations. »

Increase your self-esteem

And ultimately, his self-esteem. “To give yourself strength, you can periodically remind yourself of your values ​​and remember why you chose this position.” From this comes good self-awareness, our strengths and weaknesses, and what is important to us at work. Knowing and accepting yourself remains an important step in meeting professional challenges and inspiring your teams.

If the situation becomes unbearable and the work environment is definitely toxic, it is still a good idea to consider changing departments, companies or even careers. “It can happen,” reassures Soraya Urau. To avoid feeling guilty, we consider what experience has taught us and what was or was not our responsibility. And we remember, by the way, that we can have a career without sacrificing our mental health.

(1) The third edition of the Corporate Mental Health Barometer was conducted by Alan and Harris Interactive among 4,054 French private sector employees between February 21 and March 3, 2023, using the quota method.