Learn how to manage expectations and reduce frustrations

In the last week of October, one of my best friends was laid off. She had a good position, more than 18 months at the company, plans for the future and, even though there were some common dissatisfactions, she was happy doing what she did. She hadn’t noticed any hints about the dismissal in the days before. So, there was no time to suffer or feel any anguish in advance. However, already in the face of uncertainty and surprise, a new universe also came, full of ideas, possibilities and expectations for tomorrow.

expectations motivatemy search for achievements

There is no way to avoid them: expectations accompany us in almost every moments of our life and our relationships. Right now, as I write, I keep in me a hope, an eagerness that you, when reading, like and find yourself in at least one line of this text. And that ends up motivating me even more. It’s normal to feel this way. And that’s okay. In fact, my therapist always tells me that expectations are important and necessary, as they set us in motion, drive us forward and, without them, our life would be very monotonous.

“Expectation does not only mean waiting for something improbable, but the hope that something desired may happen. In other words: it can also be related to faith”, points out psychologist Naara Amim. This hope moves us in a balanced way towards the realization of our desires and acts as a force, encouraging us to pursue what our heart dreams of. “The expectation must be associated with hope with protagonism, when the person believes that that desire is possible to come true and, then, works seriously to make it happen”, completes Naara.

Importance of managing expectations

The problem, really, is when that feeling starts to consume us to the point of paralyzing our actions, taking over all our thoughts, bringing that constant anguish and uncomfortable tightness in the chest, you know? Taken by these sensations, we tend to anticipate what hasn’t even happened yet and, as a result, we suffer and punish ourselves in the face of uncertainty. But is it possible to experience all of this in a harmonious way and live with expectations in a healthy way?

It does. And an important point is to become aware of our limits and learn to distinguish the real from the illusion not to let ourselves be carried away by anxiety and frustration. What is possible to accomplish now? Do I really want this? What is within my reality and what is too utopian? Or: what can I do today to feed my dreams in the long run?

Answering these questions can be a way to better understand where we are depositing our energies and which of our wills are really ours or just a projection created by our ego. Even because the “up front” may not even happen. Therefore, it does not justify suffering and wearing ourselves out so much for him. “The biggest challenge around expectations is this healthy dosage, balancing desires and real desires, so as not to develop frustration or trauma due to expending too much energy waiting for something very far from your possibilities at the moment”, ponders Naara.

Weighing expectations does not mean giving up on dreams

It doesn’t mean we’re going to give up on our most challenging dreams. On the contrary: feeding them prepares and drives us to take small daily steps towards our own. But focusing all our energy and expectations only on a distant future can prevent us from experiencing even more beautiful things in the now. It is even here that we plant the seeds of our future harvests. And every little plant needs time, patience and care to finally bloom.

“Balance lies in not ceasing to dream, not losing faith in our desires. Expectation should not be linked to waiting for our desires to happen in a magical way, with arms crossed”, explains Naara. Thus, we can consider as healthy that expectation that leads us to action. And instead of generating us anxiety and suffering, shows us the innumerable possibilities of continuing to exist and having hope on our way.

“Anxiety is highly linked to the difficulty of dealing with what is happening in the present moment and projecting its consequences or results into the future, arousing fear. It is at this point that we need to take care of expectations”, completes Naara.

Daily practice of self-knowledge avoids frustrations

This care with expectations also goes through several points of attention to our mind. That little ant job, of turning inwards every time an anguish facing tomorrow threatens to overwhelm us. Around here, when thoughts start flying too much, generating a certain discomfort, I’ve been doing the exercise of stopping, breathing and pulling them back to their places.

It doesn’t always work and it’s harder than it looks. But I have noticed a big change in the way I experience my relationships from the moment I come back to myself and stop blaming or expecting too much from the other. This helps me understand that some projections are mine alone and without any basis.

You dangers of creating expectations in others

These expectations that seek to live in the other are also quite dangerous, because they lead us to expect people to act in a certain way, always related to our convictions. That’s when we get upset when someone doesn’t match our idealization simply because they have their own ideals and wills.

Naara told me that, many times, this happens because the desire to relate to a certain person is so great that we cancel out some signs of non-reciprocity. Then comes the frustration, when we focus on reality and see the other as he is, far from our expectations.

Trusting in life’s surprises changes the look on the world

“In recent years, I have trusted more in life, in surprises, in what I have no control over. I’ve been trying to keep an open mind to not knowing and I’ve been nurturing my aspirations: what I offer instead of what I expect”, suggests Priscilla Almeida. She specializes in Mental Health in Primary Health Care and facilitates conversation circles.

He told me that this exercise in trust helps him see the world for all that it already offers, without expecting too much or creating great idealizations. “Letting go of expectations regarding results helps me to live the path and accept the experiences that arise”, he exemplifies.

Sharing expectations enables new paths

Another exercise suggested by Priscilla is sharing expectations. She said that she encourages her children Miguel, 9 years old, and Bia, 6 years old, to share their concerns, as we often have difficulty seeing, alone, alternatives or situations that could impact our expectations.

According to her, sharing helps to broaden our vision and our understanding. “Whenever they talk about some expectation, I ask: in addition to that possibility, what others could happen? Let’s see how much news we can imagine together? This helps to see a universe of paths”.

Experiences help to understand the inconstancy of life

Revisiting experiences also has the role of helping to perceive and welcome impermanence. Looking at what has already happened, pondering what happened as expected and what surprised beyond measure are actions that help to understand that nothing in our life is permanent and facilitate detachment in relation to results.

“Taking time to make aspirations that contemplate myself and others supports me to live the path and accept the experiences that arise. It takes me out of waiting for external and internal rewards for what I’ve done”, observes Priscilla.

Diversity and vulnerability are connected to expectations

In order for all this self-knowledge to be part of our daily lives, bringing us closer to this field of healthy expectations, psychologist Naara Amim says that it is also essential to accept diversity, as well as our vulnerabilities. In this way, we manage to distance ourselves from the idea of ​​perfection, whether related to others or to ourselves, and continue with more down-to-earth and lightness.

“It helps us focus on the present momentstarting with the acceptance that what is real may not always be what you want, but that does not mean that it does not have potential for beauty, learning and happiness”, he concludes.

Opening ourselves up to new things and life’s adventures will not lower our expectations. And that’s not even our goal. But, from the moment we give them a place, we also find the balance between our desires and our actions, becoming lighter and more pleasant to follow. One expectation at a time.

Published by Vida Simples magazine.

By Débora Gomes

He is a journalist and understood that, in order to be in harmony with expectations, it is also necessary to accept fears and anxieties.