Why parents should not always be “in tune” with their children

For the optimal formation of the child’s attachment relationship, the parent does not have to constantly listen to the child and anticipate his smallest needs in order to be able to respond to them immediately. That’s what we learn in an article published May 21 by developmental psychology neuroscientist Pascal Vrtikka. The conversation. The researcher presents his latest findings on the topic.

Emotional independence

For a child’s healthy development, “it is essential that he be able to establish secure bonds with his parents,” recalls the British professor of psychology. The main component of this process. “Brain and Behavior Coordination of Parents and Children During Social Interactions,” we learn in the paper. This synchronization occurs when they play, talk, or solve problems together, for example. Heartbeats match, hormones are released (eg oxytocin, the bonding hormone) and brain activity becomes synchronized.

in a new study published in March in the journal Developmental scienceA team of researchers led by Pascal Vrtikka wanted to know if constant parent-child synchronization is necessary for proper child development. To do this, they analyzed the brain activity and levels of listening and attention of 140 parents and their respective children, aged 5 or 6, while they had to solve a tangram puzzle together. The researchers then assessed the attachment relationship of each parent-child pair. Results? Too much coordination can indicate future relationship difficulties.

If a parent listens too much to his child, or rather, if he is attentive to his smallest needs and does not allow him to experiment on his own, “this can increase the tension in the relationship and increase the risk of the child developing an insecure attachment,” – says Pascal Vrticka. In addition, high levels of coordination may also “reflect the child’s interaction difficulties,” just as it may “produce parental burnout, which subsequently negatively affects the parent-child relationship.”

For the good development of the child, it is preferable for the parent to be “emotionally available”, that is, to respond to the needs of the child when necessary, but not to be “yet”. This allows children to enjoy “freedom” and “independence on emotional, social and cognitive levels,” explains the psychology professor. So when a parent has to work or a child is playing alone, a disconnect happens. It is “this flow of connection, disconnection, and reconnection that offers children the ideal mix of parental support and moderate, beneficial stress that promotes children’s social brain development,” the researcher concludes.