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Couple Argument: Expert Advice for Breaking the Spiral of Negativity

on the website of Psychology Today The therapist demonstrates the procedure to follow so that romantic relationships are not jeopardized during a heated argument.

Conflicts within the couple are inevitable. If they are an opportunity for healthy communication about our needs and expectations in a relationship, they can also turn into more heated accounts and hurt us. Criticisms come up, out of our minds, and often stray from the original topic of disagreement. It is at this critical point that we need to be attentive, says therapist Rachel Diamond. in his article published on the website on January 21 Psychology today An expert calls for vigilance in the face of “aggravating negativity” during an argument and shares his method for calming it.

Identify the escalation of conflict intensity

“One of the key elements of a healthy relationship is the way conflict develops, not the absence of conflict,” the therapist emphasizes in his text. As such, it would be appropriate to “recognize the moment when the conversation is no longer effective due to emotional outpouring.” A few “inside” signs are unmistakable. Physically first, our heart rate quickens, our muscles tense, our body temperature rises. In that case, emotionally. we feel overwhelmed and our ideas are unclear, we are going to say things we may regret, we don’t understand what our partner is trying to tell us, we want to avoid conflict and struggle to relax.

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A break

“Each partner needs to make sure he or she is physically, emotionally, and psychologically able to engage in a difficult conversation,” warns Rachel Diamond. If this is not the case, the specialist invites to set an “intentional time out”. To do this, we need to communicate our personal need to take a break from the discussion without blaming the other person. Therefore, we will prefer the pronoun ‘I’ to the use of ‘you,’” notes the therapist. For example, you can say: “I feel overwhelmed and find it difficult to think straight. This is a sensitive topic and I want to make sure I use the right words. I would like to rest in order to rest.”

Since the idea isn’t to avoid ongoing conflict, it’s a good idea to immediately suggest another time, with a specific time, to discuss it again. “It shows our commitment to each other and to this conversation,” says Rachel Diamond. Both partners will be able to take advantage of the break time to retreat and recharge their batteries. Reading, listening to music, getting some fresh air…whatever the activity, as long as it brings everyone back to peace. Be careful, “partners should not argue or think about their spouse, and not use the time they spend alone to plan their defense,” she notes. And if at the end of this break one of the partners still does not feel the optimal conditions to discuss, they are free to propose a new time-out.

Source: Le Figaro

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