“I have the impression that if I stop my efforts, I will no longer have any interest.”

Don’t you dare tell your hairdresser that you don’t like the haircut you’re getting, that you feel like he’s disfiguring you, or shut up and tell the waiter at the restaurant that the dish we’ve just been served is cold : … Millions of videos on the TikTok social network depict similar situations to illustrate people’s daily lives. people pleasers . The hashtag of the same name currently has almost 1.2 billion views. “Who wants to please people” may be the French version of qualifying these people, driven primarily by the need to be appreciated by as many people as possible, to the detriment of their own needs and desires.

According to the American Merriam-Webster dictionary, the equivalent of Larousse, the phrase first appeared in the 16th century. Although these harmless situations may make you smile, they show a great difficulty in self-affirmation. THE: people pleaser will be a soul that lacks focus and self-esteem. “These people feel profoundly illegitimate,” continues psychosociologist Dominique Picard (1). They feel we are doing them a favor by giving them a place in society.” Pleasing others is then their only strategy to “apologize for being there”. This is the feeling of 32-year-old Alia*, for whom “pleasing is a duty”. “Even when, for example, I’m invited to dinner, I feel obliged to bend over backwards to help, tidy up and ensure a good atmosphere,” she admits. I feel like if I stop trying, people will stop seeing me because I won’t be interested anymore.

Far from being a genetically inherited disease or psychological disorder, people nice more like behaviors acquired during childhood or youth. “These are people who have been taught to withdraw, to put their own needs second,” describes clinical psychologist Lyne Murry. They often grew up in families where love was conditional or with unavailable parents. 23-year-old Lucy learned to mute herself at a very young age. He had monopolized all the attention of my parents, so, in return, I tried to be a source of happiness for them, so as not to worry them more.

Short term benefits

For Line Mourey people nice is an effective and profitable strategy in the short term. “To compensate for their rather fragile self-esteem, they look for ways to raise it quickly,” he notes. To do this, they scrupulously apply socially valued principles, approachability, good humor and even generosity, all of which are objectively commendable and recognized qualities. “People who want to be validated by everyone, therefore tell themselves that by conforming to these principles, they maximize their chances of being liked,” explains the psychologist.

I feel like if I stop trying, people will stop seeing me because I won’t care anymore.

Alia, 32 years old

So for 31-year-old Cecile, romantic seduction was tantamount to conforming to the tastes and preferences of her lovers. A few years ago, he met a man who was passionate about bullfighting. For him, she allows herself to be drawn into the game and accepts his invitation to spend a weekend in Nîmes; “We participated in eight bullfights in two days,” he recalls. He reserved the seats as close as possible to the bulls. We could smell blood, it was horrible. He even gave me a book on the subject, which I read through religiously. I acted as if life was imposing all this on me, although I realized that I had fully agreed to it.” And with each new meeting, the pattern repeats itself. Depending on the suitor’s profile, the 30-year-old is sometimes a high-heeled “femme fatale”, a lover of red wine or even a passionate cook.

Exhausting attitude

Despite so much goodwill, such behavior is generally counterproductive and leaves no one a winner. For people pleaser “I was coming home after forcing myself to stay at a party with friends on a weeknight to please the host, and I felt a deep anger at myself,” Cecil recalls. I knew I should have gone home sooner, spent less money, and that I would regret it the next day.” “This is a constant exercise of the mind,” affirms psychosociologist Dominique Picard. It must be said that people pleasers must constantly anticipate the thoughts of their interlocutors, find ways to adjust their own behavior, and then think about the impression they have made.

“For a while, I was mentally exhausted as soon as I left the smallest social contact,” admits 32-year-old Alia. It seemed to me that I had given a performance, organized a pleasant show. And it extended to the most intimate situations. sexually, I always put the other person’s pleasure before my own without really listening to myself. I felt dirty because I hadn’t been myself, because I had lied to others and to myself.

I was mentally exhausted as soon as I left any social interaction. It seemed to me that I had given a performance, organized a pleasant show.

Alia, 32 years old

After years of disguising herself to please her peers, Lucy, whose sister monopolized their parents’ attention as children, eventually begins to wonder if she’s lost her way. “In middle school, high school, and especially in my higher education years in Spain, I tried my best to conform to other people’s tastes. I followed them in all their adventures, even the most dangerous ones: excessive partying, drugs, crazy spending of money. When I got home, I realized with horror that I didn’t even know what my personal interests were.

Poor exchanges

The interlocutor also often loses interest in the relationship with him people pleaser. “For everyone, the discussion is an opportunity to measure with others, to face their opinion. If one of the parties only agrees, the relationship will be one-sided and poor,” emphasizes psychosociologist Dominique Picard. “By trying so hard to go with others, I became transparent and I think that’s how I scared off so many suitors. At first, they told themselves that I am good and very fast, that I lack personality,” says Cecil. And psychologist Lyn Moore adds: “Always leaving the choice and dominance to the other person means giving them a heavy mental burden. Another reason why the relationship is also unsatisfactory for him.

(1) Interpersonal relations and communicationco-authored by Dominique Picard, published by Dunod, 192 pages, €18.50.

*Names have been changed.