How to deal with particularities to better relate to each other

My grandfather was a thrifty person. I may embarrass the family, but I have to admit that, in fact, he was a classic miser, the kind who wore a frayed shirt while money filled shoeboxes. My grandmother ached to stretch the money from the fair, buy presents for her grandchildren or a new dress. “Grandma, how can you stand Grandpa?”, we questioned, indignant. “He has many qualities”, she justified. And it had. As well as a handful of other defects.

No human being is a flawless masterpiece. We all have imperfections. Some more serious, others not so much. We may be more or less aware of our rough, pointy, or fierce parts. Even so, when it comes to living close… oh, how difficult the other is! How it annoys me! This what? It will depend on how the, let’s say, less virtuous characteristics of that person affect those around them. It’s extremely personal. Delay, mess, selfishness, consumerism, impatience, stubbornness, lack, rudeness, arrogance… Which one fermented in there? And what can you reveal?

“The greater the intimacy, the more we see people’s flaws, because, in daily or intensive coexistence, no one can hide what they are. And we are a totality”, points out clinical psychologist Maira Moura. Over time, in many cases, criticism and complaints become frequent, which can overshadow traits and gestures that so enchanted us in that being, be it a lover, a friend, a familiar.

Know your limits

However, warns psychoanalyst Keila Bis, we should not take for granted the disproportionate implications and disagreements, which, like infiltration in the masonry, undermine the relationship. “There are many relationships in which this does not exist because people are more flexible, they are not critical, they do not see themselves as the owners of the truth or have already understood that we all have our particularities and that, for that very reason, we have to know how to reveal that of others. others,” she points out.

You see, we’re talking about traits or attitudes that we dislike in someone or that don’t align with our values. What is totally different from “toxic” behaviors: those who injure, demean, and harm another.

“Each one needs to know or get to know their limits, which, over time, can change. That is, something that could not be tolerated in the past is now easily bearable. However, there are things that should never be accepted: physical and verbal violence, humiliation, subjugation, authoritarianism, prejudice, disrespect for the limits of the other”, lists Keila.

Where did this label come from?

Having made this urgent caveat, let us return to the defects that, for general relief, humanize us. Carolina Nalon, conflict mediator and founder of the Tiê Institute, considers that being blindsided by the imperfections of others betrays our addicted gaze. That relentless bias that leads us to label people, imprisoning them in a monochromatic painting.

“We can start by becoming aware of the labels we give to others. Are they just that? Especially because these stamps are just our interpretations, and not a truth about the other”, she distinguishes.

Rather than seeing labels, nonviolent communication looks for what’s on the back of them: our unmet needs. Precisely what we should communicate to the other instead of attacking him for frustrating or contradicting us.

For example, if you consider your friend selfish, reflect: what do I need in this relationship that I’m not having? Do I need more support, empathy, attention? On the other hand, if he is not offering me these things, is it probably because he is focused on meeting some other need of his, which could be what?

The importance of dialogue

From these internal considerations, guides Carolina, we can open the conversation; preferably, in a quiet moment, because then it will be more likely to be a bridge well paved by listening and authentic expression of the feelings in question.

“Perhaps what irritates the other is something difficult to be perceived in us, and vice versa. Therefore, there may be an agreement to signal each other when the behavior occurs. But it is important to agree with someone who is willing to contribute to the relationshipand not just wanting to prove how bad the other is doing what he does”, she reiterates.

São Paulo natives Thais Natale and Daniel Kodama have been together since 1998 and guarantee that the strategy works. “It’s a gradual, mutual awareness process that can be done with patience and tact,” explains Daniel. “So we pay attention so we don’t do that again”, complements Thais.

Débora Tirabasso and Rafael Drygalla fell in love in 2018 and started to live and work together in the confectionery business. The arrangement, which could stir up nitpicking, has so far been put to good use for lineups. “We agreed to talk about what bothers us so that it doesn’t grow”, says Rafael. Débora, on the other hand, does a triage with herself before being clear whether a given episode requires adjustments or if it was just a momentary tantrum. Wise measure.

joint effort

It can also happen that the aversion generated by someone’s way of being shows something of our personality that is difficult for us to admit even to ourselves. “These clashes can be great opportunities for us to reflect on what moments we are selfish, intransigent, accommodated, either to some degree or in some sector of life”, emphasizes Maira. But no demonizing defects beforehand, without first examining them shrewdly.

As the psychologist points out, depending on the situation, we can appropriate these characteristics and use them in favor of our undertakings in a creative, affective, propositional way. “Selfishness, for example, can be positive when someone needs to survive and extricate themselves from an abusive situation”, she points out.

Still, it’s important to know when to leave our “monsters” alone. That is to say, when they do not add anything. This is how we often avoid aggression and accusations that only hurt.

inverted daffodil

Interestingly, we can also become hypnotized by our own shortcomings. Like an inverted Narcissus. As Anna Carolina Saragiotto, a nonviolent communication facilitator, observes, we can be so preoccupied with ourselves that we only focus on our flaws or what we don’t excel at.

“The great balcony of communication non-violent (CNV) is knowing that the defects or moralizing judgments, which we often see in others and in ourselves, only keep us away from our true connection”, she highlights.

So, when we seek to understand ourselves in our precarious condition, our shared vulnerability emerges as the flag of truce. “This is how we are going to reduce violence in the world and within ourselves, based on vulnerability and on the recognition and expression of our feelings and needs as well as those of other people”, summarizes the facilitator.

The change starts with you!

One thing is undeniable: we cannot keep pointing out the defects of others and saying that they have to change if we ourselves are not making any effort to improve ourselves in the name of a more harmonious, happy, peaceful, loving or more interesting relationship.

Relationships are made of people, and the responsibility is divided between all of them. In addition, Keila points out, relationships they are not an excuse to change the other, but precious opportunities for us to expand, transform ourselves, overcome selfishness, authoritarianism, pride and other ills.

This subject refers to that game of colored sticks. Each of us is like that tangle full of angles, inclines, stable parts and wobbly parts. For this reason, it is not prudent to go out ripping sticks unawares. You have to calm your hands first. Having clarity and accepting who we are so we don’t preach in other labels that, not infrequently, say so much about us and our own challenges.

Of course, if wear and tear borders on the impossible, it is necessary to reflect on whether it still makes sense to maintain the relationship, recognizing one’s own limits. Otherwise, it is worth recalling an accurate thought by the writer Clarice Lispector: “Even cutting your own defects can be dangerous. You never know which one is holding up an entire building.”

I keep imagining my grandfather with his wallet open, always wearing new clothes, the supermarket cart overflowing. No, that would be another man. Never my beloved grandfather. I refute the vision and, in my thoughts, I run out to hug that grouchy gentleman, wearing a shabby shirt, just the way he, I support him. family from an early age, it managed to be.

By Raphaela de Campos Mello – Vida Simples magazine

AND journalist and still fumbles a bit at the stick game.