It is possible to put yourself first without neglecting others. It is enough to adopt healthy selfishness, to find the balance between selfishness and altruism. The goal? Putting your needs first when our well-being depends on it.
It’s one of those days where everything accumulates and where everything runs out. To compensate, only one desire comes to life: to go home and have a quiet evening. Not counting these friends who suggest getting together for a drink. Given the level of fatigue, it is enough to say no and express the need for rest. But the fear of disappointment and the feeling of guilt are too strong, and the offer is quickly accepted, to the detriment of one’s feelings.
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This is the scene that happens when you put yourself behind others, or rather, put other people’s needs before your own. To fix that, the challenge would be to embrace what some mental health experts call healthy selfishness. Attitude consists of “having a healthy focus on one’s health, evolution, one’s well-being, and one’s freedom,” says American cognitive scientist Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, published in an article. Psychology today , Nov 7: Nothing to do with self-centeredness or pure selfishness, it’s about finding the right balance between selfishness and altruism and prioritizing when necessary when our well-being depends on it. Two psychologists lay out the key principles to follow to revolutionize the way we do things.
Say no without feeling guilty
For some, the courage to say “no” is a challenge. and when they succeed in achieving the goal, remorse and the need to justify themselves to make the answer more acceptable can eat away at them. It is not surprising when we know that the mechanism is anchored in us since childhood. By saying no, we fear falling out of love, rejection, abandonment. “The belief is present in adults who, in childhood, stopped thinking that they had to be ‘perfect’ in order to be accepted,” says Marie-Estelle Dupont, a psychologist who specializes in neuropsychology. Or in those who failed to express their needs and were then emotionally abused for fear of asserting themselves.
However, knowing how to give up without feeling guilty is one of the fundamental principles of healthy selfishness. To do this, we must assume frustration, acknowledging that it is not our responsibility to fulfill the desires, needs, or fancies of others. “You have to distinguish between what the other person feels and what you should respect, and what he thinks you should get rid of,” comments Marie-Estelle Dupont. In fact, if the other can’t respect our boundaries, does he really deserve us to care about his point of view?
To know oneself
In order to respect your boundaries, you still need to first identify your so-called “basic” needs. What is important to you? What will we not give in to? Everything is diverse: relaxation, pleasure, emotional and material security, recognition, rooting, authenticity or even spirituality… Second, clinical psychologist Lucille Bourdain invites us to distinguish between needs and desires. Basic needs are shared by everyone, but the ways to satisfy them are very diverse. For example, while we all need affection, some want declarations of love, while others want romantic gestures.
It is necessary to distinguish between what the other person feels, which should be respected, and what they think, which should be avoided.
Marie-Estelle Dupont, psychologist
In this process of self-discovery, you will logically have to learn to listen to yourself and accept a non-idealized image of yourself and your abilities. A key? Being able to give up just because you can’t do it.
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Respond to their own needs
Developing a healthy self-esteem also means “understanding and remembering that you are solely responsible for your own needs and the only person in the world who can meet them,” argues clinical psychologist Lucille Bourdin. In practice, we must move away from the roles of savior and victim. “The savior ignores his own needs to take care of the needs of others,” defines the psychologist. The victim is also not aware of his needs, he expects the other to guess them and respond to them instead of him. Forgetting each other, these two roles end up imploding or imploding, leaving open the door to blame, negligence, and true selfishness, Lucille Bourdain continues.
Be flexible
Respecting one’s boundaries does not necessarily mean forgetting or ignoring the other. Likewise, being firm and specific about your needs doesn’t mean rejecting an offer outright. Healthy selfishness is about being careful to remain open to compromise, to be flexible so that everyone is happy.
We are solely responsible for their needs and the only person in the world who can satisfy them.
Lucille Bourdain, Clinical Psychologist
Within a relationship, whether friendly or romantic, “take time to think about what’s negotiable for you, avoid pretense, and be flexible about the rest,” comments Marie-Estelle Dupont. It is also important to recognize that our needs are different from those of others. The psychologist concludes: “A healthy egoist is able to coexist with the other, manage himself while tolerating that his partner acts differently.”
Source: Le Figaro
