My child laughs when I scold him, why and how to respond.

In the great adventure of parenting, there are many situations where parents find themselves somewhat helpless and irritated by their child’s behavior. The proof. who can swear in assembly that he never wanted to abdicate when his child did not sleep, and others did? Who hasn’t been surprised to see their offspring eating pebbles in the park or happily massaging their white Bermuda shorts with dirt? After all, who has never doubted their child’s benevolence when the kindergartener reports that he is biting every chubby arm crossed in the playroom?

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Another scene is particularly destabilizing for adults. Where he scolds the latter, he scolds the child, and where the child, in response, smiles or (worse) laughs. What to wonder about his educational principles and challenge his ability to remain diplomatic in the face of this 1 meter 20 audacity. However, it turns out that the situation is common and that the phenomenon is not entirely anecdotal. .

A conditioned reflex

In fact, children between 0 and 6 years of age have none. No teasing and even insolence. Heloise Jounier (1), a psychologist specializing in young children and a PhD in psychology from the University of Paris, wrote her thesis on infant emotions. He thus explains that some people’s smiling or laughing (a phenomenon that does not affect all children) in response to a parent’s high tone is nervous. “From the day of birth, when a newborn smiles, it also excites the other interlocutor. The brain then registers this chain reaction between her smile and the other’s, she notes. Thus, when a child is in a stressful situation, it triggers this conditioned and experienced reflex from birth. Here there is some indirect search to relieve the interlocutor.

There is some implicit quest here to relieve the interlocutor

Heloise Jr., a psychologist specializing in young children

It is obvious that when he is argued with, the child is embarrassed, afraid and especially needs to be soothed at that moment. Therefore, far from the lack of respect or malice for which he is accused. You feel guilty for misinterpreting. Useless. The fault lies in our adult brain and its biased view, according to the psychologist. “This is called adulomorphism, reports Heloise Junior. We interpret the child’s behavior too much, as if he is an adult, we think that the little one thinks like us. However, this is not the case, his brain is immature, the child is very naive.

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“The young child’s brain is vulnerable, the child is dominated by his emotions, he is not able to control them,” affirms Agnes Florin (2), professor of child psychology and education at the University of Nantes. Laughing or laughing when he is scolded is his way of coping with the growing emotional storm. This reflex still occurs in some adults when faced with bad news or a source of stress. “It’s also found in primates,” adds psychologist Heloise Junior.

The teasing suspected by the parents is observed earlier in an older child, for example, in pre-adolescence, 7 years later, in elementary school. “You have to be successful in interpreting each person’s behavior,” emphasizes Agnes Floren, and think about what motivates the child to such a provocation. Some may doubt their parents’ love. At some point, everyone is afraid of being abandoned, or they may feel like they don’t care. Laughing at them can be a way to get attention.”

How to respond?

Not surprisingly, when faced with such a reaction, it is the parent’s task to overcome the feeling of insecurity and not to give in to nervousness and anger. Ideally (we said ideally…), Heloise Jounier advises to remember that the child is stressed and to stop yelling, get down to their level, apologize for scaring them, and resume without yelling. “A stressed brain is a brain that has difficulty understanding instructions,” says the psychologist. If the anger is too strong and the adult is unable to restore calm, he can physically move away from the child and thus reduce the pressure.

For the rest, no matter how unpleasant it is, the child still needs to be told that his behavior is not correct. “The role of parents is not only to love the child, but also to socialize him, to teach him the social rules and to make him understand that there is no need for compromise,” comments Agnes Florin.

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It is better to explain to the child the behavior that is expected of him, rather than the prohibition

Agnes Florin, Professor of Child and Educational Psychology

To do this, the specialist advises adults to change their prism and turn what they tend to say negatively into something positive. “It is better to explain to the child the behavior expected of him than to insist on the ban,” he continues.

Children are also not cold, cruel and ungrateful creatures. They have great compassion. So, to get out of a seemingly intractable situation, parents can also lay their cards on the table. “You can tell your son or daughter what his behavior is creating in them,” Agnes Florin concludes, and say we’re sorry when he screams like this or feels like “he’s not listening to us.” . Hoping to find the way to peace.

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(1) By Héloïse Junier A parent’s survival manual(Ed. Dunod).
(2) Agnes Florin by Ldevelopmental psychology, childhood and adolescence(Ed. Dunod).