INTERVIEW – Build a family, but destroy your relationship. Faced with the baptism of fire that represents the arrival of a baby and the stress this period can cause, Anna Roy, midwife and author; Children’s conflict. to become parents without separating you.comes to our aid.
We talk a lot about the discomforts of pregnancy, but less about what actually happens for a couple after giving birth. According to a 2015 study conducted by community app WeMoms and the Elabe Institute (1), 66% of mothers surveyed said they experienced a marital crisis when a new baby arrived, or two out of three couples. A discrepancy more commonly referred to as “infantile conflict” and popularized in 2005 by French psychiatrist Bernard Geberovich. “We can love each other very much, respect each other beyond mountains, the arrival of a child is such a shock that a branch is likely to snap,” affirms midwife Anna Roy in her new book. Children’s collision. to become parents without separating you. (2). A very popular columnist at the beginning of the year Kindergarten house takes the challenge head on and publishes this guide combining testimonials and concrete advice. For Madame FigaroA health professional reveals some of her keys to managing the first signs of stress and making a paradigm shift.
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Madame Figaro.fr .- Why did you focus on this topic?
Anna Roy. It all started with discussions with my patients. When I set up as a freelancer in 2012, I found myself providing post-pregnancy support to couples who had lost their parentage. These same individuals I knew in the maternity ward, more in love and stronger than ever at birth, were no longer able to understand each other, talk to each other, “control” each other after returning home. As our profession allows, these couples asked me to mediate their problems and help solve them. It took me several years of practice, discussions, research on the Internet and in medical books to understand this phenomenon. With my book, I hope to be able to help parents become better informed and no longer afraid of this childhood conflict.
2 out of three couples experience a crisis when their child is born. Why does this seem inevitable?
Like it or not, each new baby is a bowling ball sent to the couple, just like in a bowling game. Becoming a parent causes an identity shock. we are no longer responsible only for ourselves, we are responsible for someone else in partnership with a third party who is experiencing the same shock. This birth quickly plunges us into business operations, where tasks, new constraints and fears pile up. We are moving away from glamour, romantic weekends undercover, long dinners at restaurants. Then there is a kind of light romantic “mourning”, admittedly temporary, but more or less easy to live with and digest, especially if you fantasized a lot about your couple’s relationship before and after the baby arrived. But unless proven otherwise, we are not living in a fairy tale. Thus, this infant often reveals underlying conflicts that we have been able to cope with until then, but no longer when faced with the reorganization of daily life that parenthood requires. We are becoming more vulnerable to these difficulties. What used to worry us about the other becomes inevitable, and new disagreements about education arise. If we think that the adjustments will happen on their own, we end up accumulating dissatisfaction and tension, up to clashes, of varying intensity.
When you don’t get enough sleep, which is the case when you’re taking care of your baby every night, being a smart “couple” seems impossible.
Anna Roy, midwife
What are your top tips for protecting children from conflict and avoiding separation?
Firstly, the issue of sleep seems crucial to me. When you don’t get enough sleep, which is the case when you’re taking care of your baby every night, being a smart “couple” seems impossible. Fatigue impairs both cognitive and emotional functions. I can no longer count the number of couples who thought they were on the verge of breaking up when all they had to do was go and relax in the countryside for a few days without a child to realize they still loved each other. As I always say, we don’t part until we sleep. A few small ideas to fix this: take turns putting the bed outside the room, buy real headphones that you have specially designed at the hearing specialist… Sometimes sleep is treated badly for reasons external to parenting as well, it can be anxiety. disorders, sleep apnea or other pathologies. And you should consult.
Where can we start to get help?
Use the early postpartum interview to talk about sleep and other issues. Starting July 1, 2022, this mandatory interview, usually conducted by a midwife (or general practitioner or gynecologist), is a real space of trust and exchange for couples. If we go our own way, we feel a very unpleasant feeling of abandonment and can easily blame our partner for our difficulties. Dare to share your feelings with a third party, it works, it saves. Caregiver, PMI, marriage therapist, psychologist… Each of these professionals is a valuable aid to be used to reintegrate communication and objectivity in the relationship.
Dare to share your feelings with a third party, it works, it saves.
Anna Roy, midwife
How to respond better when an argument has started?
Tiredness helps, it happens that the voice is raised, and the insults are behind the head. In these situations, it is difficult to hear and believe that the other is suffering like us. This may sound like silly advice, but to defuse a conflict before it explodes, you can agree in advance on a “magic” word to end the argument, give everyone time to defuse, and better yet, explain later. With my partner it’s a ‘cover up’. As soon as one of us draws this card, we stop and talk about the problem again at another time, such as a planned couple meeting, where we consider the problem. All tasks to be distributed regarding possible rebalancing. and the needs of each person. These meetings are important because once you get into the intense rhythm of everyday life, it’s hard to ask the other person to change, especially when they may turn away. The more soil we prepare, the better.
As unpleasant as it is, this period of anxiety should be seen as an opportunity, a way to question your relationship, to rediscover yourself.
Anna Roy, midwife
Even if it does, you say that childhood conflict can be liberating. What good can it bring us?
As unpleasant as it may be, this period of anxiety should be seen as an opportunity, a way to question your relationship, rediscover yourself, and take better care of each other with more compassion. That’s why I prefer to talk about “mature crisis of couples with the arrival of a child” than “child conflict”. Of course, birth can be a catalyst in certain cases and inevitably lead to separation. But if this childhood conflict is overcome, it is the perfect opportunity to create a new life. And if it helps to wait, know that parents from the age of 6 often experience a second honeymoon.
(1) The survey was conducted among 501 mothers with at least one child under the age of 6 and was conducted between November 7 and 12, 2015.
(2) Children’s conflict. to become parents without separating you.Anna Roy, in collaboration with Caroline Michel, (Larousse Editions), 208 pages, €18.95.
Source: Le Figaro
