Quarrels Between Siblings: Should Parents Intervene?

There are countless reasons why two brothers might argue or fight. Faced with children’s discussions, fathers and mothers often find themselves in a dilemma: “Am I resolving the conflict, or is it better for them to resolve it themselves?”

To resolve this issue, it is necessary to understand what factors underlie children’s quarrels, why they are needed and, if necessary, when and how to intervene.

emotions and temperament

Joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust are the six primary emotions that exist in humans from the early stages of development. This means that people are already born with a predisposition to understand and express emotions.

Gradually, from the age of three, secondary emotions appear, which, although based on primary ones, are more complex and environmentally conditioned: jealousy, envy, sympathy, pride, etc. All these emotions play an important role in human experience, survival and development; Through them our way of perception and sensitivity to the world is formed.

Children’s emotions: changeable and intense

Emotions in childhood have certain characteristics: first of all, their versatility (they can move from one emotion to another relatively easily), their intensity (the emotion completely embraces them), and their simplicity (emotional complexity develops with age).

Emotions are closely related to temperament, a number of innate behavioral responses to environmental stimuli. In psychology, we distinguish three main temperaments: difficult, slow and easy, depending on a number of variables, such as the amount of movement, the regulation of sleep, eating and excretion, the degree of distraction, response to novelty, adaptation to changes in the environment, the amount of time, which the child spends on activities, the threshold of sensitivity, the intensity of the reaction and the general mood.

Temperament is the biological part of personality. It remains static and stable during maturation development.

Brothers and sisters are more alike than two people without a social affective connection. However, the most noticeable differences between them are aspects that depend on temperament. It is for this reason that in a family environment, differences in temperament traits will affect the nature of the relationship between them.

“Usefulness” of discussions

Although children’s fights can create an uncomfortable atmosphere in the family, they have their uses: among other things, they allow children to identify what makes them angry, learn to set limits, and develop problem-solving strategies.

Similarly, they are part of the learning process in which social norms are transmitted and established. They allow the child to understand reality in the various contexts in which he moves.

The skills gained from these childhood situations will be useful for emotional development, social interaction, and coping in adult life.

Lead by example

Among the things that fathers and mothers can do to make this process of growing up in the most productive way, one that may be obvious is to behave towards children in the way we would like them to behave. each other.

This is what Canadian psychologist Albert Bandura advocates in the scientific arena, the social learning theory that people learn by watching other people, whom we call models.

baby brain

Watching the adults around them may not be enough for children to learn conflict resolution strategies. It is very important to know a few strokes about a child’s brain in order to understand some of their behaviors and reactions.

Neurology shows that the emotional part of the brain, that is, the part that is responsible for emotions, is formed from birth. On the other hand, the rational part, the fundamental role of which is the choice of behavior, self-regulation and self-control, only developed around the age of 20.

That is: children have a lot of emotions, but there is no one to control them.

The Role of Parents: Emotional Education

Children may lack strategies to deal with their problems on their own. In these cases, it is important that parents act as intermediaries, offering them recommendations so that they gradually integrate them into their behavioral repertoire and eventually be able to cope with the problems on their own.

Here are some questions to consider when mediating:

1. Keep calm. It is important that parents serve as role models for their children. Thus, maintaining a calm demeanor will help children establish appropriate patterns of emotional and behavioral regulation.

2. Give the children time for the emotional part to calm down and the rational part to take over. Adults, when they experience a very strong emotion (especially if it is negative), also need time for emotional self-regulation.

3. Do not position yourself for any of the children.

4. Evaluate emotionally: Accept children’s emotions without judgment. Even if emotions are negative, avoid changing them quickly; The positive thing is that children experience all kinds of emotions.

5. Label emotions. Children need to identify and understand what emotions they are experiencing in order to subsequently regulate them.

6. Encourage empathy: “How do you think your brother is feeling right now?”

7. Promote confident communication. Moments of conflict are key to identifying what isn’t working in a relationship. It is very important to communicate confidently, that is, to be able to clearly express your feelings and needs without disrespecting or underestimating the other.

However, there may be situations where parents need to intervene directly (violent quarrels, abuse between siblings…). In these situations, it is important to remain calm, separate them, and wait for both of them to combine the emotions they are experiencing in order to subsequently be able to apply the strategies described above.

Alejandro Cano Villagras, professor of speech therapy and psychology, International University of Valencia and Nadia Porcar Gozalbo, speech therapist, University of Valencia

This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original.