I chose my engagement ring and it was the best decision

I was in the elevator the other day and a woman showed me her hand. “It’s a beautiful engagement ring,” she said.

“Thank you,” I replied. – I chose her.

She smiled and said, “Good for you,” just as the doors opened and she stepped off the elevator.

When I say I chose my ring, I don’t mean I sent my preferences to my sister, who passed them on to my boyfriend, who did his best to find something that matched my style. My boyfriend and I went to a store together and picked out something we both liked, which he bought and kept for a few weeks until he officially proposed.

I thought telling people I picked out my engagement ring would be like meeting the stranger in an elevator. I thought everyone would respond with a similar stance. Many of them did. But peppered was another kind of response: it shows “Oh, that’s interesting” and a quick change of subject. I never received direct criticism; it was more of a feeling that the person was a little surprised and not in the best way.

I never acknowledged these reactions, not wanting to bring negativity into my post-engagement love bubble. But months later, after things settled down, those answers stuck with me, less because they bothered me and more because I didn’t understand them. Did they judge me? And why?

For my then-boyfriend and I, choosing a ring together made sense. We had been in a relationship for almost seven years and had been living together for four, so it was no surprise that we were headed for marriage.

Then consider our personalities. I’m picky and can be very opinionated. I’m also a fashion editor, so I can’t help but think too much about everything I wear. My partner, on the other hand, is very understanding. He tends to be a bit indecisive. Picking out expensive jewelry is just the kind of business that would excite me and overwhelm him.

Modern weddings and the events surrounding them break with tradition and historical gender roles in so many ways. And for many couples headed for marriage, the fact that an engagement is on the way isn’t a surprise — they’ve talked about it to some extent. If you’re talking about the engagement, why not talk about the ring? Why should there be any shame in wanting to have a say in a (very expensive) piece of jewelry that you’re supposed to wear for the rest of your life?

I posted on social media to see if anyone else in my orbit had a similar experience. “I never figured out how to tell your sister exactly what you want so she can make sure your boyfriend gets a good ring,” said Grace Runowski, 32, of Mantua, New Jersey. “Why don’t we do it together when you two get married?”

For Runowski there was also a practical aspect. “I don’t trust my husband’s style,” she said. And for her, the process did not escape the big day. “The proposal itself was still a surprise, romantic and special. It could have been destroyed by a stupid ring because I’m a terrible liar and obviously he knows me well enough to know if I don’t like something and try to fake it.’

However, she was judged for the decision. “Some people seemed really shocked that I chose my own ring,” she said, adding: “I really don’t remember anyone older than me liking the idea.”

“Some people definitely didn’t get it, but it never really mattered to me because it was what I wanted and it worked for us. Almost every time the men seemed to judge, the women responded with something like, “Damn it, girl,” Runowski concluded.

In contrast, my cousin Danit Ergas said she was initially not thrilled with the ring her husband chose and regretted not being more involved in the selection process.

“It’s best to decide or discuss it together,” the 34-year-old, who lives in Austin, Texas, said of choosing a ring. “It will be with you for the rest of your life.” Although she loves her “one-of-a-kind” ring now, she and her husband decided to ask each other for specific gifts for the future: “It’s convenient.”

Suspense is lost, but certainty is gained.

The concept that the recipient of the ring should be excited about whatever they receive makes no sense to me. In all other situations, we reject the idea that one partner should control what the other wears – and this is something the recipient has to wear almost every day for the rest of their lives. Shouldn’t the donor know with absolute certainty that their partner would want to do this?

To be clear, I understand that many people love the element of surprise, whether they have no idea what the ring will look like, or they make suggestions and hope for the best. What I don’t understand is that it is the default. Many of us would like no surprise how many of us want that? So why not people TALK from?

This idea made me curious about how common the common approach is. Don O’Connell, who has worked in the jewelry industry for more than 30 years and is now president and CEO of Charles & Colvard, said that in his experience, “over 75 percent of couples involve their partner in some way of the purchase”. , shopping together or sharing information, and that “in recent years we’ve seen more couples involved in the engagement and wedding process together from start to finish.”

While the chosen “whisper downstream” method can be successful, it leaves room for error as descriptions get lost in translation. What seems “delicate” or “big” to one person may mean something completely different to another.

“We find that most people would rather receive the ring of their dreams than be surprised by a ring they’re not in love with,” added O’Connell.

I also spoke with Ariel Alexandrou who works in sales and design at Ken & Dana Design (where we ended up getting our ring). His estimate was even more astounding. She said 70 percent of Ken and Dana’s engagement ring customers are couples who come to the showroom to shop together and “often will buy the ring with their partner as a gift.” (Some couples choose to keep it an element of surprise, letting the recipient choose a few of the best options and the ring-giver secretly choose one to buy.)

These numbers shocked me, not because the process doesn’t make sense, but because I never hear people talk about it.

Another thing to consider: People who try on rings early are often surprised themselves with what he likes the most. Customers who buy their engagement ring have a certain style in mind, “and when they see it on their hand, they can decide to go in a completely different direction,” Alexandrou said. “Also, I often meet clients who try a stone shape they thought they missed and end up loving it.”

It happened to me. What was my favorite ring on the jeweler’s website did not end up being my personal favorite ring. And when I was torn between styles, it was helpful to have my partner there for input. A band I found interesting was quickly removed after my partner admitted he didn’t like the design. Easy. Come on team.

Shopping together also gave us the opportunity to explore more distinctive styles than the typical solitaire, halo or pavé. I ended up gravitating towards a unique vintage inspired design with three small links on either side of the center stone. It’s one I wasn’t sure I loved since I saw it online, but when I put it on my finger, it felt good. And it’s one that my partner probably never would have landed on his own, nor would he have felt comfortable pulling the trigger on something so non-traditional without confirmation that I’d like it.

Surprise rings will always come with risks. Both Alexandrou and O’Connell have savvy customers who return to their stores after a proposal because the chosen ring turned out not to be the recipient’s style. (So ​​if you’re going the surprise route, “it’s extremely important to select your dealer or jeweler carefully, as some may not offer exchanges or returns,” O’Connell warned.) If you ask me, returning and engagement exchange. the sound after a proposal is much less romantic than talking about it before.

Rather than my then-boyfriend on a solo mission and me always worrying about what might have happened then, we were on our way to our engagement together. It took the pressure off us both. We just can FUN This. We were getting ready to make one of the biggest decisions of our lives, and we were doing it as a team. And when we finally settled on “the one,” we walked away confident that together we would achieve the perfect connection.