Maxim Rover.

“Everyone has already had, at least once, the experience of a deep misunderstanding of the dialogue with their mother. When speaking in the same language – this famous mother tongue – it seems that every word is a source of misunderstanding. We speak together, we try to understand each other more or less, but what we try to share sinks irresistibly in the process,” writes Maxim Rovere in the first lines of his new book. Talk to your mother.

In this work, the French philosopher and writer explores the interactions and emotions that bind us to our mothers, while developing a fascinating reading of eternal evolutionary filiation.

Madame Figaro. – Why study dialogue with our mothers?
Maxim Rover. – It’s a universal theme that affects everyone. It was a strange intuition for me. I talked to my mother on the phone after the conference, but she wasn’t listening to what I was saying. I had an intuition that There is a connection between the difficulty of making good environmental decisions and the difficulty of talking to the mother. therefore, I bet that by better understanding our relationships with our mothers (which also inform all family interactions), we approach the systems upon which the human species depends differently. Everything is connected! If you change your relationship with just one family member, the whole “family” system is disrupted. since there is a “nurturant” earth, and we live in an atmospheric “matrix,” isn’t the concept of motherhood central to ecology? By thinking better, we can transform both our relationships with our mothers (or our children) and the planet.

Why is it so hard to talk to your mom?
The mother-child relationship is very mobile, it accompanies people in the most spectacular transformations of their existence: from child to child, then to adult, and at the same time, from adult to addiction and death. Thus, this relationship is in constant transformation, a serious problem of identity causes. Because if the mother carried the child, then their identity bears traces of a moment of intense community; As the baby grows, as the family intervenes, as the mother ages, their relationship still has to take into account all their living conditions, involving all kinds of things (animal and plant species, microbes, etc.). ): It is a very intimate relationship that reflects and shapes our whole form of existence.

You are talking about a deep misunderstanding…
Most often, mother-child relationships begin with great understanding, and then become complicated. A child must be protected by his parents because he cannot provide for himself. This dependency creates an unbalanced power relationship, which is a challenge; parents will tend to impose their vision. Fortunately, they make mistakes in their parenting duties. Thanks to these failures, the child will learn to free himself. It also happens that parents are an obstacle instead of providing a favorable environment for the child. In fact, the failures of the parents cause legitimate disappointments in the child, through which he will develop. This disappointment is inevitable, because individual beings cannot agree on everything, it will be contradictory. And this difference cannot be perceived as always happy or harmonious; as the interactions multiply, it statistically leads to tension and discord.This point is important so that you never start looking for a forever peaceful relationship with your mother.

We would like to share joys, but we must also agree to difficult discussions, because that is how we move forward

Maxim Rover

Is communication more difficult with an overly present mother?
It is a displeasure sometimes expressed by some beloved children; their mothers are too worried about them. Too much emotional pressure on them is a bit like reading someone’s time on their shoulder is her generation. This is due to the fact that her experience, as a woman and not only as a mother, suffers from a lack. Behind the invading mother there is a woman who is not allowed to express herself. Thus it happens that the mother burdens her child with the sacrifice of her own social ambitions, or with the transformations of her body, or with the time or money she invests in its care… She may willingly borrow from any maternal function she has performed to transform her intimate frustrations toward her offspring It’s a shame because these frustrations should be political, not emotional blackmail. No child will ever make up for a woman’s frustration.

Or a form of regretful motherhood…
Yes, absolutely! For example, one of the mother’s functions is to provide food. My mother received from her mother (and the whole society) this loving language, which consists of cooking; she’s a foster mom to the point where she doesn’t want to get out of this business of being invited by her son (me. ) to a local bistro. This will make her less happy, even if she knows I don’t need a foster mom anymore. All moms (and all kids ) are like this, reactivating some of the maternal functions that others thought obsolete. That’s why we can find that one or the other has an inappropriate way of expressing their love. Between two adults, one of whom was the other’s child, There is motherhood in the air, but we no longer know what it is, so we must learn to listen to each other in order to reinvent relationships.

Is it possible to force a new dialogue?
All this is a matter of diplomacy, tact, as between the two countries. To avoid war, we need to negotiate and revise the terms of peace. Knowing at the same time that this troubled relationship will never be completely at ease. In this diplomacy, it is fundamental to tell each other what we want in order to find a compromise together. this is what justifies the chapter of the book “The Art of Visiting Each Other”. What’s the point? Survive the visit. In my case, even if I’d rather have my mom cook or go to a restaurant, I accept the “vital” need she feels to remain a caring mother. But this only works , if the child does not put himself in a position of sacrifice, we must negotiate compensation. “If we eat at home, I would like us to go for a walk outside. Would you like that?’ But surviving a visit to your mother can be a much bigger effort. It is by catching the waves that we overcome them.

If the relationship between mother and child is so difficult to live and understand, it is because it is a very intimate relationship that reflects and shapes our entire way of being.

Maxim Rover

Does the dialogue with the mother continue after her disappearance?
The advantage of carrying out this philosophical reflection on the mother is that the book allows you to personalize this concept a little. In other words, “my mother” can mean something much bigger than a single individual; In addition to “my little mother,” we become sensitive to all the entities that perform maternal functions without which you cannot survive, the atmosphere you breathe, the soil that nourishes you… Thus, individual By detaching from the mother, we find a sense of love and respect for the non-subjective forms of motherhood. We realize, for example, that bathing in the sea, lake or river is not only something that gives us pleasure. it really opens us up to a deep love for what makes us exist. These simple joys heal you of consumerism, but also make you realize that your little mother, who first cared for you and then worried you, is something infinitely greater. is the ambassador.

Talking to mother by Maxime Rovere, Éditions Flammarion, 288 p., €21. Released on January 22.