These 4 Traps That Are Slowly Killing Couples, According to a Psychologist

In danger of breaking open the door. life together is far from being a long, calm river. Compromise, agreements, disagreements… Communication within a couple is an exercise in diplomacy. And as the years go by, it’s easy to lose balance, even as a therapist […]I’ve seen romantic relationships fail not because the love wasn’t real, but because of mistakes that couples made without knowing it,” American psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein comments on this topic in an article he wrote on the website. Psychology today on December 24. The expert lists four pitfalls to avoid in order not to burn out on a daily basis:

Turn your partner into an enemy

Who has never criticized others for not taking initiatives? Never plan an outing for the two of you? “When something is wrong, it’s easy to point the finger at someone else,” emphasizes the psychologist. Instead of solving the problem, guilt gives way to resentment, and the partner then turns into an “enemy,” explains Jeffrey Bernstein. To get out of the pattern, the psychologist recommends choosing cooperation. Instead of saying, “You never plan anything,” try “Action.” […] I miss what we did together. Can we plan something this weekend?” It’s enough to encourage teamwork and not be defensive, the psychologist clarifies.

Choosing silence over vulnerability

The second trap. Confused silence and peace. By disconnecting emotionally, you end up losing touch, says Jeffrey Bernstein. The latter takes the example of a partner who chose not to share their work-related frustrations with the other for fear of upsetting them. The other member of the couple may then feel excluded, thinking that their partner no longer trusts them enough no longer consist of “awkward conversations instead of serious conversations,” adds the psychologist. To overcome this, he strongly encourages “gestures of vulnerability” by opening up to others. It is enough to create a bridge between the two members of the couple, not a wall.

Believing you know what the other person is thinking

Jeffrey Bernstein says: assuming that you know exactly what your partner is thinking or feeling is a toxic mistake for a couple. “Kayla thought her boyfriend Marcus wasn’t interested in their relationship because he hadn’t texted her during the day. Marcus was considering giving himself some space when he mentioned that he was overwhelmed. Neither asked the other what was right, and both felt offended.”

This lack of communication creates a divide. How to fix it? “Replace assumptions with curiosity,” says Jeffrey Bernstein, questioning the other. “You haven’t sent me any messages lately, what’s going on?”

Counting units

The last trap. Thinking that a relationship is a transaction, “Love is not a zero-sum game,” emphasizes the therapist. The latter warns that if one of the two counts how many times he has taken care of the purchases, for example, the couple enters into competition, which can quickly become unhealthy.

To put an end to this confrontation, we must focus on “common goals, not individual contributions,” emphasizes the psychologist. Instead of asking yourself, “Why am I always doing more?”, it’s better to find ways to better distribute tasks and responsibilities for couple cohesion and mutual support. Life together can be fraught with challenges, but challenges can be overcome through cooperation : According to Jeffrey Bernstein, the game is worth the effort. “create stronger and more fulfilling relationships.”