A couple. they love each other despite their political differences

“We met for several weeks. One day we were hugging in front of the TV, when he saw Nicolas Sarkozy on the screen, he said: “It’s a leader.” I burst out laughing, but he remained very serious. That’s when we learned that we don’t have the same political views at all,” Florian, 30, in a relationship with Yassin, 28, said in 2022. In the first round of the 2017 presidential elections, he voted for Jean-Luc Mélenchon (La France Insoumise). He voted for Francois Fillon (Les Republicains). A few weeks before the 2022 presidential election, he still did not know who he would vote for. “Why not Yannick Jadot (Europe Ecologie Les Verts)?” he asked himself, still undecided. His companion thought that he would choose Emmanuel Macron.

Corinne, 56, who voted for Benoit Hamon (Socialist Party) in 2017, already knew her partner was “right-wing” when they got together. He voted for François Fillon at the time. “It wasn’t a surprise, but I said to myself, ‘too bad, it won’t be that easy,'” he confided two years ago. Then we joked that there will always be dissatisfaction at home during the elections.” Like Florian, Yasin and Corinne, many couples know that they will not be casting the same ballot in the next legislative elections on June 30 and July 7. In a 2017 IFOP survey, 16% of people surveyed said they had aligned themselves with a different political party than their spouse (1). A topic of tension or even a reason for a breakup? No, to some extent.

Take care of communication

Political differences do not necessarily lead to conflict. “We’re talking,” Florian already clarified. We know how to communicate and we manage to understand each other’s point of view. But we also know when to stop talking, like when the conversation is going in circles. As far as we can exchange, it’s pretty rich. But I also know that we can live without necessarily talking about certain topics.” Knowing how to communicate will therefore be the key. obvious to everyone, but especially one to pay attention to when we have different, or even diametrically opposed, political ideas. “There are no moral values ​​that a priori allow the couple’s life to be standardized, except for one: freedom of speech,” explains philosopher and professor at the University of Paris, Pierre Zaoui (2). According to him, “a living couple, that is, a couple that is neither in eternal war nor in silent fusion, is so because they are able to talk to each other and about themselves without even much fear of misunderstandings. and misunderstandings. On the other hand, the couple in crisis is always the couple who can’t talk to each other anymore, who don’t even communicate.

The couple is alive because they are able to talk to each other and talk about themselves, never fearing misunderstandings and misunderstandings.

Pierre Zaouy, Philosopher

Enrich yourself with a difference

But even in the heart of the most respectful debates, how can we not try to convince others of the correctness of our ideas, risking Homeric conflicts like the ones we dread at family dinners? Here again, it’s a delicate balance to find. “Living with someone on the right while I’m on the left hasn’t changed my political opinions, but it has challenged my beliefs,” Corinne testified. I realized that the political party to which I am loyal does not provide answers for everyone, and that maybe we should find something else. My vision of things is less binary, I feel like I’m more open-minded.”

“It’s the nature of a couple to thrive on difference,” explains Caroline Cruz, a marriage counselor. There is no point in trying to erase everyone’s differences and differences. Family peace does not depend on the merger of partners. “There are always three of us in pairs,” adds the therapist. Himself, the other and the couple. This third element is made up of adjustments, compromises, and efforts. But that doesn’t stop you from maintaining your individuality. We can keep a private zone in addition to the common zone. For some couples, the difference reaches so much that it has an erotic effect and makes the relationship even more spicy. “Political disagreement can play the role of this spice and add a saving ingredient to the kitchen of love. Because boredom is waiting for agreement,” continues sociologist Anne Muksel (3).

Getting along before starting a family

It doesn’t matter if you discuss politics with your partner for hours, the choice of the candidate you vote for is done individually. The issue becomes more subtle when it interferes with our common projects. Especially when they refer to family and children’s education. “Without making it a major issue,” Caroline Cruz recommends talking about these differences before deciding to become a parent. “Without setting everything up in advance, we can try to agree on things that seem essential, such as whether to send the child to a public or private institution and the type of education we want to provide,” he says. The therapist remembers several young parents who came to him for consultation. “The birth of their child revealed a hitherto hidden problem: choosing a place to live,” he recalls. The husband wanted to stay in Paris, while his wife, a staunch environmentalist, could no longer imagine living and raising her children anywhere but in the countryside. They eventually broke up.”

Values, essential common ground

“The most important thing is agreement on values, not politics,” explains Anne Mueckel. The ones we have affixed to our bodies and which have always determined our relationship with others and the world. “The more conflicts are strictly political, the more they can accommodate differences. But the more they become existentially involved in embodied values, the harder it seems to reconcile them in private life.” It is this “common ground of immutable values” that has enabled Corinne and his companion to overcome their political differences. First of all, we find respect for others and the fight against racism and homophobia. But also the importance given to work, health and education, which encourages them to support the principle of unemployment rights, raising the wages of carers and teachers or even investing in medical research.

What matters most is agreement on values, not politics

Anne Muxel, sociologist

The red line of the extreme right

However, there is a limit beyond which dialogue can become impossible. In her study of the place of politics within the couple, sociologist Anne Muckel finds that discord in particular functions “for most of (her) interviewees as a threshold that cannot be overcome; the extreme right.” This is what the testimonies collected for this article also reflected. “Even if he doesn’t intend to vote for the far right, when he tells me it’s worth listening to what the National Rally has to offer, that’s where the debate starts,” Corinne said. “There are some things I can be flexible about and others not at all. For me, there are too many extreme right parties,” he said categorically.

Grooving to Jean-Luc Mélenchon’s voice while your lover swears by Emmanuel Macron, delving into political programs that he even enjoys watching, is therefore not an obstacle for the couple. And maybe it can serve as a basis for a loving dialogue that allows you to rediscover the other during long conversations, understand them better and question your own beliefs. As long as you want. Because above all, and as the philosopher Pierre Zaoui reminds us, love is a matter of desire and “desire is not in the realm of opinion.”

1. IFOP Survey, Sex, Couples and Politics. do the french vote like their spouse?
2. Pierre Zaoui, Torsion Theory of TorsionIn Le Crieur magazine
3. Anne Muksel, You, me and politics. Love and beliefsSeuil publications, 288 pages.