Nunchi, the Korean art of understanding what others are thinking and feeling

Are you more of a fast nunchuck or a slow nunchuck type? The first profile in Korea has the ability to decipher the behavior of others in an instant. Second, you will understand, need to roll up their sleeves to streamline their social interactions. Discovering what is left unsaid, reading facial expressions…, the art of the nunchi (or nonchi) has permeated the Land of the Morning Calm for nearly 5,000 years. This nonverbal, intuitive communication art teaches you not to make others feel uncomfortable or hurt. In this way, Korean society will protect its citizens from any narcissistic injury that will promote trust, harmony, and connection.

Knowing how to connect with others

While this sixth sense is innate for some, it’s primarily a skill that develops, according to social psychologist Deborah Romain-Delacour, MD. “The first step to progressing this compassion is to be aware of it,” notes author Jimin Lee. Nunci: connect with others (Éditions Eyrolles). Then we will teach ourselves to look intensely at the other hidden under the social mask, or rather at their true nature. “It’s like reading between the lines. indirect gestures often carry more meaning than words. “Nunchi thus allows to capture the emotional states of the interlocutor, therefore to better position oneself in front of them,” explains the psychologist. Nunci from sighing to blinking requires hypervigilance, focused on others but also on the surroundings. For example, the state of a co-worker’s office can tell a lot about the inner mood of his day, and therefore get the information we want to give him.

Because it has to deploy its channels during a conversation, this unofficial radar is a matter of attention. The royal way to develop it. Meditation. Practiced regularly, it creates the steady, clear, and nonjudgmental focus that allows for good nunchi. It also helps us look at ourselves objectively, one of the greatest secrets of true nunchi. “Nunci is only positive in symmetrical relationships,” emphasizes Deborah Romain-Delacour. “Subjugation of the other person becomes a tool of manipulation in relations of dominance.” A mean trap, but common in many hierarchical Asian societies. “In these cultures, it’s often younger or lower-ranking employees who have to be considerate of others,” the expert notes.

Assert yourself without being offensive

The social psychologist therefore invites us to reverse the dynamic by employing a form of self-determination to restore connection. “It is impossible to be in positive relationships with others if we are not already good with ourselves,” he sums up. Hence the value of learning to examine our own thoughts and feelings with the distance of an observer, without getting caught up in or identifying with the emotion. Another secret for the highest nunchi. to bypass the certainties of the ego, question our unconscious mechanisms and clarify our needs, our fears. Armed with this new transparency, it is then easier to open up to the feelings of others through a simple game of mirrors… without ever forgetting ourselves.

Being yourself, allowing yourself to express your feelings, never offending others…the pillars of self-confidence and other derivatives of nonviolent communication naturally find their place in the nunchi’s toolbox. “We must express ourselves to the first PERSON, tell our feelings without stigmatizing the other person and thus allow him to adjust without pain. Even if it means choosing to postpone the conversation to a more favorable time for the other person,” suggests Deborah Romain-Delacour. For him, perfecting your nunchi requires deep work and great dedication to yourself and others; “We rarely do as we would like. It doesn’t matter as long as we recognize our mistake and share it. In addition to fixing the problem in the relationship, we allow ourselves to progress.”

Same story with David Bradford, Distinguished Professor of Leadership at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business. Co-author, with Carol Robin Exclusive relationship (Éditions Leduc), he developed the theory of interpersonal dynamics and coached hundreds of Silicon Valley executives. According to him, teaching these soft skills (soft skills) is far from sentimental. They require a lot of work, experience and dedication to really learn to know yourself and the other. No easy method or universal recipe in the program, but philosophy, therapy and, of course, life.