Emily Dowdin. “When you have cancer, you want to be able to say, ‘I’m scared to death,’ instead of hearing, ‘It’s going to be okay.’

Two months after her much-hyped abdominal surgery, Kate Middleton announced that she has cancer in a short video posted to Instagram on Friday, March 22. The revelation shocked the whole world, led to many questions, particularly about the nature of his cancer, but above all, it inspired respect. Her father-in-law, King Charles III, was one of the first to praise the bravery of the Princess of Wales. Emily Dowdin knows all too well the strength it takes to declare sick. In October 2020, at the age of 33, the Instagram influencer and entrepreneur @emiliebrunette was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. An aggressive form that affects about 9,000 women per year and presents a significant risk of recurrence. Now in remission, she talks to us about her experience of cancer as a wife and mother, the reactions of those around her after the announcement and the difficulties of loved ones providing adequate support.

Madame Figaro: What was your reaction to Kate Middleton’s public announcement?
Emily Dowdin. – This shocked me, and seeing the Princess of Wales publicly announce it when the disease had previously been hidden in shame, I told myself that cancer really is everywhere. Given the media frenzy that followed her announcement, I also realized that not even princesses are entitled to peace.

Is this respite essential after diagnosis?
Yes, you need to digest the information and then get back on track to want to talk about it and get started. Personally, it took me a month. Only my close friends were informed about the diagnosis, because they knew that I had been doing tests for several weeks. Then I quickly decided to talk about it on my social networks to raise awareness. I was never concerned about breast cancer, I was young, I had no history, I was not included in the statistics, in short, I should not have breast cancer. So when I found out I was sick, I said to myself “might as well”. And as I continued to discover, I also wanted to make people aware of physical changes in advance. At the beginning of the treatments I lost a lot of weight, then I lost my hair, I had to explain that. And obviously talking feels good, it almost has a tingling effect.

It feels good to talk, almost crampy

Emily Dowdy, 36 years old

In her short video, Kate Middleton talked about the time it took to properly explain the situation to her three children. How did you inform yours?
My son was 3 1/2 years old and my daughter had just turned 1 year old. I remember feeling and noticing their behavior change during my exams. My daughter, who was sleeping well at that time, for example, cried again at night. And when I told him I was sick, he stopped. I remember using the word “crab” to talk to them. I also said. “Mom has a breast, but I will be cured.” I also used the book I bought for my son, Mom is a pirate. Everything went well. When I came back from the mastectomy and my breast removal (then I was breastless for two years), it was even more difficult, my son didn’t want to hug me anymore, for example.

Does the fact that you have cancer promote acceptance?
I don’t know if we really realize that. I have now been in remission for three years and I still don’t know if I understand what happened to me. My brain was on autopilot, I was very protective. I see many women, workers on sick leave, who become depressed after treatment because they have nothing left. That’s why I always tell patients. Do what you’ve always dreamed of doing. Personally, I was not at work, so I continued to work, it allowed me to occupy my mind and not live, sleep and eat “cancer”. There’s no way illness is going to take all of that away from me.

Not forgetting that the statement, literalization is a test in itself…
Yes! When we give such information to others, we get their anxiety. After the diagnosis, I remember meeting a man on the street whom I hardly knew, but with whom I had worked for some time. When I told her I had breast cancer, she cried. It surprised me. In fact, cancer is the biggest fear of people, the word itself is scary. When a statement is made, people identify and sometimes react as if it is contagious. Faced with this distress, we sick people sometimes feel that we need comfort.

Faced with the tribulations around us, we sick people sometimes comfort ourselves

Emily Dowdy

Does cancer change how others see you?
Our loved ones sometimes consider us a “little thing”. Some also allow us to give irrelevant advice, “Cancer can’t be cured with chemo, try this…” or utter phrases we don’t need to hear, such as “Aunt died from it”… When I stated: sick people started following me on Instagram and absolutely wanted to talk to me about the disease. It was like an unhealthy, voyeuristic wave. At times it bordered on harassment. Others asked me a lot, they said. “I just had a biopsy, I need to talk to you.”

You’ve said before that some reactions from those around you are inappropriate and can hurt. What expressions should be avoided to say to a sick person?
“It’s going to be fine” should really be avoided in my opinion. It is very difficult to listen. When someone told me that “breast cancer is very treatable”, I replied “yes, but it is the leading cause of cancer death in women”. Today, and I am happy, many people write to me to ask what they can do to support a sick person. Of course, the task is difficult, but you don’t need to try to calm down from the beginning. Sometimes you just need a listening ear and to be able to say “I’m afraid of dying”. not hearing yourself say “it’s going to be okay”.

I recommend simple words. “I’m thinking of you”, “I’m sending you lots of strength”, “I’m here if you need me”.

Emily Dowdy

What exactly can those around you do?
To be present. Many friends disappear after the announcement, women sometimes even lose their spouses. Then I recommend simple words. “I’m thinking of you”, “I’m sending you lots of strength”, “I’m here if you need me”. We can also provide time by offering to pick up the children after school and prepare meals. We can also offer care if it is good for the sick person.