Erectile dysfunction, this poison for couples. “The worst thing you can hear. That it doesn’t matter”

This is a reality that almost always surprises victims. According to the Charles.co health platform Ifop survey published in May 2019 (1), more than half of men (61%) have experienced erectile dysfunction at least once in their lives, that is, the inability to obtain or maintain a sufficient erection. swelling and hardening of the penis for satisfactory intercourse. This same study highlights a growing phenomenon over the past 15 years that can occur at any age.

As Helen Sussman, an angiologist, vascular medicine specialist and co-author of the latest work, explains to us. Male sex, erection without taboo (2), several reasons arise for this male problem. Physical first: with venous malformation, type II diabetes, hormonal disorder or overweight. then environmental, using drugs, tobacco, alcohol or junk food; and finally psychological. The diagnosis can take a long time and even drag on for several years if you don’t find a suitable healthcare provider, confirms the specialist. And as versatile as it is, this unfortunate combination of circumstances is often enough to poison the life of a man and his partner.

Preconceived thoughts that make confession difficult

In the beginning, when a sexual breakup occurs for the first time in an intimate relationship, it is generally not fully accepted. Yet, according to Ifop research, one in three men admits that they have had trouble verbalizing their erectile dysfunction to their partner and have made false excuses to hide the truth. In the pulpit of these lies we find physical fatigue, but also stress, migraine, excessive food or alcohol. It must be said that the sexual desire, like reproduction, is innate and decisive in the formation of a person’s identity, anthropologists assure. “That’s why, when they lose their erections and see their virility affected, these men conclude that their whole identity is called into question and they live in shame,” says Dr. Helen Sussman.

Why wall off in silence and not open up to a loved one whom you fundamentally trust? “To talk about it out loud is to delve into something too intimate and embarrassing,” replies Vincent Huppertan, urologist, andrologist and sexologist (3). And despite the current freedom of speech on these topics, many men and women, whether in their twenties or forties, have not and still do not have the sex education to express themselves confidently.

Talking about it with your wife risks you face-to-face rejection.

Helen Susman, angiologist, specialist in vascular medicine

In this area, the Internet also contributes to widening the gap in its own way. “If this channel has enabled us to become more informed, it also highlights a strong tendency to compare and normalize certain preconceived ideas about sexuality. That’s how the main porn movie is, where consumers remember from what they watched what the quality of the erection, the duration of sexual intercourse and its frequency should correspond to,” imagines the sexologist. Thus, when concerned individuals experience failure at home, they feel de facto excluded from this society. “Talking to your wife about it means risking face-to-face rejection, they think,” sums up angiologist Helen Sussman.

Misunderstandings and inconveniences

Without clear communication, under-the-covers misinterpretations are legion, with detrimental effects on the couple’s harmony. “You don’t want me anymore”, “you don’t love me anymore”, or even “you prefer someone else”, according to experts, are some of the main criticisms made on the other side of the bed. “If some women express their ego trauma in a completely justified way, this conversation fuels the problem,” laments sexologist Vincent Hupperten. The next time you have sex, a man will put more pressure on himself to perform in order to appease his crush. And the greater the expectation, the greater the anxiety and thus the chances of failure again.

There are also clumsy people who, trying to do the right thing, in the end, in spite of themselves, add fuel to the fire. For example, taking the attitude of a carer or nurse towards a spouse when there is a sexual breakdown. “The worst thing for someone with erectile dysfunction to hear is ‘it’s not serious.’ On the contrary, in the eyes of this man, it is serious, emphasizes Vincent Huppertin, it is his whole world that is collapsing from shame.

The worst thing to hear for someone with erectile dysfunction is “it’s not serious”

Vincent Huppertan, urologist, andrologist and sexologist

Helen Sussman sees this anxiety every day in her angiology practice. “Many of my patients present alone and desperate, first because of their disorder, the origins of which they cannot understand, and then because their partner refuses care, minimizing, often unconsciously, the extent of their spouse’s mental health-based problem.” reports G. doctor And Vincent Huppertin continues. “Listening should be important. In a couple, whether new or for many years, a common mistake is to analyze and predict your partner’s reaction not based on what they tell us, but from your own perspective and from what we know. about what intercourse “should” be. between couples”.

Be present… and joyful

According to health professionals, it is urgent to eliminate this taboo and start a dialogue as much as possible about the good and bad aspects of sexual life within the couple. The goal is to prevent frustration that leads to dramatic situations such as separation or, in extreme cases, violence against oneself or another. “Whether erectile dysfunction is physical or psychological in origin, the quality of a couple’s relationship can increase or decrease its impact,” recalls Dr. Vincent Hupperten.

So showing up next to your partner at the medical or sexology office begins part of the healing journey. “When they come with an escort, patients are much easier to treat,” says vascular medicine specialist Helen Sussman. In my eyes, the mere presence of their partner is evidence of a real act of love, trust and, above all, good communication within the couple about intimacy.”

The most favorable outcome of those consultations and the return of satisfactory sexuality then belongs to each. When erectile dysfunction does not fall within the physiological range (see box), several therapeutic approaches exist. In his sexology practice, Dr. Vincent Hupperten, for example, recommends sensory re-education to reduce anxiety related to sexual performance. “First we move away from penetration and refocus on sensuality and sharing our desires, learning in particular to explore body parts other than sex (hands, face, eyes, etc.) without feeling like asking questions, he. describes. In this way, by abandoning imperatives and reuniting with the game, we re-inject attraction and tend to better understand the other.”

(1) The Ifop study can be found here: Men and erectile problems. big taboo?
(2) Male sex, erection without tabooBy Ronald Virag and Helen Sussman, published by Le Cherche-Midi, 176 pages, €18.50.
(3) Vincent Huppertin is the author Encyclopaedia, published by Editions Leduc, 256 pages, €18.