Why do some people apologize for everything and all the time?

For some, recognizing one’s own guilt and admitting one’s mistakes is a real test. For others, apologizing is a reflex. After a three-minute delay, before giving his opinion, emphasize his refusal to make the interlocutor uncomfortable… The smallest excuse seems appropriate as an “abuse excuse”. What does this habit mean? When is it harmful? A psychologist analyzes this tendency to make constant excuses and gives the keys to (re)learning to apologize intelligently.

In the video, how to get rid of stress in the office?

social anxiety

For clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Lyne Murry, one of the main reasons for this excessive tendency to apologize is social anxiety. This extreme fear of judgment and rejection causes us to avoid any situation where we might be perceived negatively by others. “Apologizing undoes the source of conflict or disagreement,” he notes. These people prefer to take responsibility for any damage rather than face external approval.

poor self-esteem

An abusive excuser often has low self-esteem. Having a constant feeling of inferiority, of being imperfect, he then feels the need to apologize to compensate for this difference compared to others. “Poor self-esteem makes us feel like we don’t deserve to be there as much as others. Then we will tend to make excuses for breathing, for moving… for existing, in short,” explains the psychologist.

Low self-esteem makes us feel like we don’t deserve to be there as much as others

Lyn Moore, Psychologist

This sense of inadequacy can vary depending on the areas in which we develop. “We actually have a lot of self-esteem. Some may, for example, consider themselves quite worthy at work, but have a very poor self-image in their interpersonal relationships, Line Mourey nuance. Then they won’t have trouble asserting themselves in a professional context, but will struggle to take their place and establish themselves in their relationships.

environment and education

In addition to individual traits and personalities, the rules and norms of the society in which we grow up can greatly influence our interactions. The psychologist reminds: we are taught to say sorry in childhood to comply with the rules of politeness. “So we’ve associated an encouraging image with justification, and when in doubt, we rely on those social conventions to know how to act,” he says. Conversely, the importance of knowing how to say “no,” the ability to verbalize one’s needs, and the ability to prioritize one’s own well-being are all principles that are often omitted from social protocols.

Vicious circle

The offending forgiver expects validation from others, but such a need rarely arises. “The more we apologize, the more we lose confidence in ourselves, because each time we convince ourselves that we’ve made a mistake,” comments Lyne Murry. For our interlocutor, excessively worded excuses will lose their value and even end up annoying.

The more we apologize, the more we lose confidence in ourselves, because each time we convince ourselves that we were wrong.

Lyn Moore, Psychologist

It must be said that by apologizing they actually accept a position of submission. We give a lot of power to the other person. “he can choose to accept or reject our apology, and he can free us from our guilt or, on the contrary, condemn us,” notes the psychologist. The impression of tyrannical superiority that is given to the other person can be unpleasant and promote bad relationships that are even tiring.

Assert yourself to reign better

To finally learn how to set your boundaries and strengthen your understanding, Lyne Moore recommends working on self-affirmation in two stages. It first requires cognitive work that consists in rethinking relational beliefs. “We often tend to magnify the consequences of our actions. Rather, we need to rationalize our thoughts in order to understand that there is absolutely no need to apologize at the slightest possibility,” suggests the psychologist. The second step is to identify the benefits of persistence. “We need to realize how beneficial self-affirmation can be in a relationship. This allows for a richer, win-win exchange,” Lyne Murry concludes.