“If a woman has an “only” child at the age of forty, now she can say with pride.”

Camille waited until the second half of her life to become a mother. He turned 41, single, thanks to a sperm donation. Only after pregnancy did she meet the man with whom she is now raising her twins. Like her, Heloise, Laurence, Sabine or even Judith saw the desire to become a mother emerge overnight in their forties and faced the ordeal of medically assisted birth (PMA). Excerpts of their testimony appear in the book Why are you coming so late? (1), psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Muriel Fliess-Treves. For more than five years, in his office in the 17th arrondissement of Paris, the doctor meets women who wonder at what age they want to have a baby. If these so-called “late” pregnancies, to understand 40 years later, are no longer marginal, they increased by 2.3% between 1984 and 2014 in France, according to INED, their experience may be quite unique. to be, even more when living with PMA. .

Muriel Fliss-Treve, infertility specialist and 17-year colleague of Mr. René Friedman in the PMA department at Antoine-Béclair Hospital, thus hears the questions: why now? why so late – worries, hopes and sometimes regrets. Respecting medical confidentiality, she immerses the reader in the intimacy of these late births. Interview:

On video PMA-GPA, the kids have a say, a documentary by Laure Granjon

Madame Figaro.fr .- What reasons motivate the women you meet to become mothers late in life?
Muriel Fleiss-Treves. Many people say that time has deceived them. Among the situations I’ve observed the most, I find women waiting for their “ideal man,” a man who, when he arrives, doesn’t want or can’t have any more children. For others, it is not the partner, but the answer to the question “do I want a child?” which took a long time to arrive and came out in quarantine. And then some have also defended, often rightly so, their professional claims. they took the time to study, secure a career, and travel. The latter do not always regret it, they feel lucky that thanks to contraception they were able to be free and protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy. In fact, they have integrated “baby when I want, if I want” so well that they have refused to make it “baby as late as possible” by relying on medical advances.

You also say in your book that the discovery of declining fertility often shocks these women…
It is correct and completely legal. When they realize they can no longer conceive with their own eggs, it requires a period of adjustment and mourning, their period of biological fertility. Then the feel for the PMA develops. Applying for gamete donation means agreeing to give up a child that is genetically one’s own, to break a biological generation and thus to mourn one’s lineage. They also understand that they will have to call a third person and inevitably integrate him in one way or another in their life. And this version is not so easy to digest.

What is your role in supporting these late pregnancies?
I bring these women into a space of mental freedom where open speech and the coming together of ideas allow their memories, their dreams, their personal history to reawaken. Some elements of the past can block the desire to be a mother, and I believe that psychotherapy helps to see this more clearly. In the book, I recall, for example, the story of Heloise, who was a victim of abuse by her father, who was afraid of misbehaving with the child in turn. Through therapy, we finally understand what has taken away motherhood when it is, and we can accept the situation. On rarer occasions, my role is to accompany the failure, the mourning of motherhood, and the depressive episode that may follow.

Many no longer wait for a lasting story or male presence to fulfill this desire.

Muriel Fliess-Treves, Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst

When the desire to have children comes true, these older women are less prone to maternal regret.
Likely, indeed. None of my patients ever expressed this ambivalence. When they become mothers, they find themselves in the fulfillment of a completely accepted wish. What’s more, and as surprising as it may seem, this baby is so sought after that they report experiencing less discomfort during pregnancy, some with little or no nausea.

Being pregnant after 40 can also expose you to judgments and comments, whether they’re about the mother’s age or the safety of the pregnancy. Have the women you met felt guilty?
This is less than before. From a medical point of view, they take it easy at first because these pregnancies are monitored with extreme care by health professionals. Furthermore, postponing a child’s project to promote personal and professional ambitions is now more accepted in our society. We see this when a child’s desire emerges. many no longer wait until they have a lasting history or the presence of a man by their side to realize this. Today, if a woman has a child of her “own” in her forties, it is no longer considered unattractive or shameful, she is a “single mother” and can say so with some pride because she has worked hard to make this choice financially. . The father-mother scheme is not essential to the child’s psyche. Some have friends and family members who are present, supportive, willing to play a role with the child, and provide the child with a quality relationship life.

Do these mothers worry about their children growing up to have too much of an age gap?
Some do, but many of my patients report feeling, on the contrary, rejuvenated, more alive, more relaxed after motherhood. This age-related anxiety is more significant in men. In the book, for example, Joel tells me about his fear of being perceived as an “old dad,” even though at 50 he still feels physically young. It has to do with his personal history, as it often does in these situations. When he was a child, he was ashamed of his parents’ age. Designating himself as a father meant that he had to tame the onset of old age, and this inevitably brought him back to his mortal life, to the anxiety of being physically degraded.

When these men become late fathers thanks to assisted reproduction, how do they feel?
If they are as happy as mothers, then there are fears related to PMA. In particular, they wonder what the child will be told about their conception through egg and/or sperm donation. Telling a child the whole truth can make them uncomfortable because it reflects in their eyes incompetence, helplessness, weakness, which undermines their masculinity. For example, Joel, who had applied for sperm donation, was afraid of having less value in his daughter’s eyes than other fathers, those who are “capable” of fathering a child. In such a situation, when the child does not resemble them, or only slightly, their narcissistic love strikes; for them, dissimilarity appears as a genetic substitute for the missing link. My role as a psychiatrist is to work with them on this insanity of the gift. I also advise such parents to tell their child their conception story. This can be done from birth or after he starts asking questions. But be careful not to delay too much, because he may feel betrayed.

For those hesitant to relive this experience, how do you know if you really want to be a parent?
It’s very complicated. The desire to be a parent comes when it wants to and when it can. A 39-year-old patient who became a mother once told me this funny phrase that may speak for some: “I never wanted to be a mother, but I never thought I wouldn’t have children.” Whether the desire is there or not, it’s up to women to know how to listen to it and first, accept it. If it doesn’t show up, you have to ask yourself if you want to go or not. And while waiting for a firm decision to be made, those who wish can always turn to egg freezing.