Be good while being respected. 6 rules to follow to achieve this

“Very good, very stupid”, “good pear”, “dove”… Forgive us these phrases and expressions, but we must admit that the kindness of some people loses them. “We tend to think of someone who is too cute as a little silly or a child. So it seems easy to abuse his generosity,” comments psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget (1). And for good reason, without setting boundaries, some are swallowed up by their unbridled generosity, while others step on them. However, it is perfectly possible to support the other person, help them, or even provide a service while being respected. Provided certain measures are taken.

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Break with the idea of ​​sacrifice

First tip: Don’t confuse kindness with sacrifice anymore. Fusion is common. Don’t we think that a child is good when in fact he obeys his parents? However, in correct kindness rather involves compassion, listening, favor… Nothing to do, therefore, with obedience and the physically and mentally exhausting constant “yes”. “When you’re in a conciliatory role where you accept and forgive everything, there will inevitably come a time when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted,” says Letitia Bluto, a clinical psychologist who specializes in attachment theory.

What we do, what we say, what we give must correspond to the resources at our disposal. Thus, before agreeing to help, for example, a psychologist invites us to evaluate the amount of free time we have, our mental and physical energy, or even our financial conditions (if we have to lend money). If they are not in line with the act of charity you are about to do, you had better pass your turn at the risk of sacrificing yourself.

Renunciation of savior status

Constant commitment to others will leave them free to ask for more. If we do not reveal our limits, they will think that our resources are inexhaustible, and we will ask again and again. “To say no to someone who asks too much of us is not to make him suffer, it’s to make sure he doesn’t suffer,” recalls Dr. Stéphane Clergy.

Saying “no” to someone who asks too much of us is not making them suffer, but making sure you don’t suffer yourself.

Stéphane Clerger, Psychiatrist

For some, the challenge is difficult because it means “giving up their special status as a savior, that is, the image that others have of them, the image of a helper who is always present,” says Letitia Bluto. Then we have to remember that we cannot take care of the individual as a whole, adds Dr. Stephan Clerget. We can participate in his welfare, but it is not our responsibility to solve all his problems. And being less committed doesn’t necessarily mean becoming malicious.

Stay connected to yourself

To avoid boundless devotion, it is necessary to remain connected to one’s own desires and needs. The reason is simple: if you do not respect them yourself, it is very easy for others to trample them. This requires giving less importance to the eyes of others, no longer waiting for their validation and focusing on our own interests, warns Letitia Bluto.

You have to get out of a certain automatism of yes

Letitia Bluto, clinical psychologist

Then there is a need for harmony work to listen more to oneself. This is how we will be able to feel if our help is too much, if it costs us too much. According to the psychologist, stress, frustration or disappointment are unmistakable signs. “The goal is to get out of a certain automatism of yes,” he says. To do this, we control how we feel before performing an act of kindness for someone, we check to see if we really want it or if it is beyond our power.

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Take some distance

There is no need to submit a statement to notify a colleague, friend or relative that we will no longer be available systematically. On the other hand, you should withdraw and respond to requests less and less. “Instead of immediately responding to a message from a loved one asking us for help, we can start by waiting ten minutes before accepting,” advises Letitia Bluto. Next week we can send our message an hour before and so on. If we can’t say no, nothing prevents us from offering a service commensurate with our abilities, adds psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget instead.

Have fun saying no

It is important to accept having a conflicting opinion from time to time. Someone who can say no more easily commands respect. If giving up help scares us, there’s nothing better than starting small. “The less people enter the inner circle, the easier it will be to assert oneself in front of them,” notes Letitia Bluto. It is with these people that you need to practice saying no.

To make the task easier, Stéphane Clergy invites us to give our kindness the value of a gift. “It wouldn’t occur to us to present the same gift to everyone,” he says, “we offer it to the deserving one.” For others, the principle is the same: we choose who we say yes to so we don’t allow ourselves to be vampirized by others. And if some people judge us when we refuse to serve, “so good”, thinks the psychiatrist. Here’s a good way to adjust the surroundings. People who are understanding and kind are compared to people who are aggressive, pushy and manipulative to get what they want.

Respect is required

Not giving in and demanding respect is the only way to be taken seriously, insists Stéphane Clergy. It can be found in different ways: in someone’s appeal to us, in their politeness, in thanks, in understanding when they inform us that they are not available. “When you show kindness, the other person should at least be polite, insists the psychiatrist. If it is not so, we point it out to him and demand respect for us. If, despite this warning, the person still does not respect us, this should legitimize the refusal of kindness in our eyes.

(1) Psychic VampiresBy Stéphane Clerger, published by Le livre de Poche, 256 p., €8.40.