One of my father’s wisest observations about visiting the bereaved goes something like this: “Don’t carry your grief by wearing black when you go to visit Shiva.”
The note got me thinking: Why is black clothing common during suffering? Having lived in two different countries of Western society (Italy and the United States) where the practice is quite widespread, I have never been presented with the opportunity to wear anything but black to a funeral.
It seems that, as usual, my father is not wrong. According to Rabbi Shlomo Steinmetz, director of development at the Global Jewish Assistance and Relief Network in Brooklyn, New York, while Jews are certainly allowed to wear black to funerals, they are not required to.
“It’s a dark color that shows we’re not in a ‘good situation,’ but it’s just a habit and not a necessity,” explained Steinmetz. “You can really wear any color you want and it’s a reflection of how you feel.”
While other dress laws apply to Jewish mourners (no leather shoes for a week, for example), and you should definitely opt for “solid” colors when dressing, the custom of wearing black is just that : a cultural custom.
Unfortunately, Jews are not the only ones drawn to darker shades when dressing for mourning ceremonies. The practice is actually quite widespread in a variety of cultures, although it is actually frowned upon in some circles.
But where does the tradition come from and who actually subscribes to it?
“It’s one of those things that’s not so clear, but there are definitely links to the Roman Empire,” explained Poppy Mardall, founder of Poppy’s Funeral Home in London.
As Mardall noted, it is generally believed that ancient Romans wore dark togas when mourning the loss of a loved one. Moreover, in the United States, many practices were carried over from their English predecessors, including, perhaps, those related to mourning dress.
“It is a challenge of modern times that we can walk on the destroyed planet without anyone knowing we are there. If we don’t have a symbol to show others that we are vulnerable, how can we expect the community to care about us?”
– Poppy Mardall
After the death of her husband Prince Albert in 1861, England’s Queen Victoria is said to have worn dark and somber costumes out of respect for her late partner until the day she died 40 years later.
Look outside the Western world, however, and you’ll notice stark differences.
“Traditionally, people in Hong Kong wear white to funerals,” the blogger said From Carmina, whose family is Chinese. He mentioned an iconic scene from the 1972 film “Fists of Fury,” in which Bruce Lee is seen wearing a white suit with a Mandarin collar as he roars at the funeral of his deceased martial arts master. “The color white is historically associated with death in many Asian cultures and also signifies humility,” he explained. “Black and dark, somber colors are [also] appropriate, but Hong Kong people will never wear red to a funeral as it is a festive color associated with happiness.
Kevin Frayer via Getty Images
In Hindu circles, white dresses are also the right choice. Some specific sects of the religion consider black an inappropriate option when dressing for somber occasions.
“Many South Asian communities, especially those who practice Hinduism, wear white to funerals,” confirmed Dr. Anjali Ferguson, a psychologist who currently lives in central Virginia and practices both Hinduism and Christianity. “White is considered a sacred color that symbolizes purity and spiritual enlightenment.”
Although she doesn’t feel particularly attached to the tradition herself, she says that “it’s important that these rituals celebrate the life we’re coming together for and honor the wishes of that family.”
When asked if wearing black to a funeral is actually discouraged in her cultural and religious leanings, Ferguson explained that it really depends on where people “in the diaspora” live.
“I’ve been to a few South Asian celebrations of life/funerals in the US where people wore black without a problem,” she said. “However, I know many South Asian communities would find this very offensive. What’s important is to check with the families to determine how they want to honor their loved ones.”
Muslims also tend to wear white, a color associated with humility.
“It is customary to wear plain white clothes at funerals,” explained public relations professional Romana Lokhandwala, who lives in Mumbai and follows the Islamic tradition. “Usually these are loose clothes that come down to the feet. This is meant to symbolize humility and modesty. The color white also serves as a reminder of the purity of the soul and the hope that Allah will accept it. It is also believed to be a reminder of the afterlife and reminds us that death is a part of life. Wearing white means we are submissive to Allah and at peace with our ultimate destiny.”
Lokhandwala explained that opting for black clothing is also “generally discouraged” in Islam as it is seen as “unlucky and offensive” – not surprising given that, according to the source itself, the color is associated with bad luck .
In the West, the mourning process is closely associated with sadness – and what better color than black to represent the feeling? On the other hand, while sadness is certainly part of grief in other parts of the world, the concept of modesty and some stage of gratitude for the life we live is still at the forefront of our minds.
“I think a lot of people in the West wear black out of sheer terror of being disrespected, which is the last thing you want to do at a funeral,” Mardall said. “For example, if I’m going to a session for someone I don’t know very well and I can’t ask the family what they’d like me to wear, I wear black so I don’t seem rude.”
In his work, Mardall, who works primarily with Western clients, also noted that age plays a role in conversation. According to her, older generations expect guests to dress formally, a code of conduct that usually calls for darker clothing.
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“They are unlikely to ask the question: should we hold a funeral as we usually do, or should we change it?” Mardall explained. “But if there’s no clarity, an 18-year-old is just as likely to wear black as an 80-year-old because we’re so worried about getting it wrong.”
Another interesting trend noted by the expert, who actually has a soft spot for the idea of adding a pop of color to a mourner’s outfit, noted: “In general, the more preparation and thought people put into a funeral , much less. they will probably wear black. “
Perhaps that particular observation about time spent thinking about pain goes straight to the heart of the matter, which revolves around the question: What is the right way to sense during mourning – and what is the best way to present these emotions to the outside world?
“Many people believe [clothes are] the way you show how you feel,” Steinmetz said.
“It’s a challenge of modern times that we can walk on the destroyed planet without anyone knowing we are,” Mardall said, also recalling that in Britain during the Victorian era, mourning citizens wore specific mourning clothes, to signal to the world who. they had difficulties and needed help. “If we don’t have a symbol to show others that we are vulnerable, how can we expect the community to care about us?”
Clearly, while at least grieving, the average person longs for human connection. Whether designated clothing, both in color and shape, would encourage those around us to be more compassionate, and opting out is up for debate, of course. However, the least we can do is consider that perhaps the intention behind an outfit is more significant than the appearance itself, a concept that transcends situations of mourning and can actually be applied to humanity in general.
I am an experienced author and journalist with a passion for lifestyle journalism. I currently work for Buna Times, one of the leading news websites in the world. I specialize in writing stories about health, wellness, fashion, beauty, interior design, and more. My articles have been featured on major publications such as The Guardian and The Huffington Post.