Understand the importance of cultivating friendships

My best friend has walked with me through life for over 15 years now. I remember well when we met: writing and the profession of journalist made our words meet and remain together until today. We have enough stories and adventures to write a book, going through sad moments and reaching important achievements, celebrated side by side.

And there is, however, nothing specifically great that earns him that title of best friend. I try to think if there was a certain moment, something beautiful, strong, capable of justifying this friendship. But apart from affinity and memories, I don’t remember anything else to tell you here, now.

True friendships need understanding

Maybe there’s one thing: in our friendship, there are no charges. Charges never existed. We can go days or even months without talking, and that doesn’t diminish the affection we feel for each other. When we talk or meet, it’s like we’ve never been apart: we gain back all the hours that built our distance. This happens, I believe, because we learn to cultivate our affection and our respect, even in the face of these intervals of presence.

The essence of true friendships – and the secret for them to last beyond time – is precisely the understanding that it will not always be possible to talk on the phone every day. Or write long e-mails telling the news. Or even schedule weekly meetings to review life.

I always thought that true friends live in the most precious spaces of people. And that doesn’t mean we’ll be physically together all the time: each one needs to exist in their individualities, to fulfill the role of adding up in each other’s lives. But then you might be wondering now: how to cultivate friendships without having this daily closeness, without looking into the eyes and sharing frequent hugs?

Being close is not just physical

Perhaps the answer to this question is not mine, but that of screenwriter Ismael Caneppele. “Being close is not physical. Never was. Never will be,” he wrote. And I agree. Sometimes, for various reasons, we really can’t be a physical presence all the time in each other’s lives. And that doesn’t mean we’re better or worse friends, but that we need our moments. of stillness only then can we be whole in our relationships.

Silence is also part of the crossing, and it has nothing to do with abandonment or rejection, but it is important for our friendships (and for ourselves). “Nowadays, everything has become very urgent. And sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the speed of things,” says psychologist Bruna Berger.

With virtual encounters and the ease of social networks, these urgencies remembered by her seem to have actually increased. Messages and calls are quick channels for meeting each other, but at the same time, they can be a burden when they are accompanied by charges or immediate response needs.

Separate the urgent from the emergent

It can be seen from me: I am the friend who is always late in responding to groups or messages in which I feel there is not so much urgency. And I almost never answer the phone. However, my friends know that I’m here, ready to contribute as much as I can and effectively in their lives whenever necessary, whether in the form of words or listening.

How fast I respond doesn’t determine the size of my love. I see these breaks as a way of reserving silence in the midst of so much information and preserving my whole heart to share at the right times.

“A way to preserve friendships in a healthy way is to separate the urgent from the emerging. Thus, it is easier for each of us to keep the conversations in their own time”, suggests Bruna. She said that the important thing is to always have our intentions very clear within each conversation, so as not to leave loose threads in our social groups. “Sometimes we can even arrange with friends to send us signals about really urgent messages. Then, we automatically become aware of the need to pay attention to them first”, says Bruna.

Healthy point in the midst of physical distances

Another possible way to create a healthy point in the midst of physical distances is to open ourselves up to understanding what each of our friends is really like. Some of them, for example, are more introspective like me, others more talkative, and there are still those more agitated and excited to tell about themselves. Having this understanding gives us openness to be clear about our possibilities, our time and our emotions.

Being honest is still the best way to conduct our relationships. “Each friend has a role in our life, and perhaps that is the most beautiful of friendships. Knowing that each one is there to help us with a different situation says a lot about who we bring along with us along the way”, completes Bruna.

Friends help us find balance

Before March of last year, she and her friends used to meet weekly for coffee and chat. Then, with the pandemic and the news we learn to live with every day, meetings became virtual. But they didn’t happen as often as before. A little because of the difficulty in reconciling schedules, another a little because of the strangeness of keeping those meetings going without the hugs and warmth of the presence.

She said that now we seem to have to adapt all the time to new ways of relating with this enforced distance. And this can also cause distances, if we don’t learn to cultivate our bonds with delicacy. “We are gregarious beings. And for us, cultivating friendships and maintaining them is very important,” she explains.

Yes, we need each other to share joys, burdens, smiles and pains. When this does not exist, we feel an emptiness caused by the absence and lack of habit of being like this, alone. Therefore, learning how our routine works and that of the other is precious to cultivate our friendships. Always remembering that respect and empathy are the main keys to the doors of our relationships. Without forgetting, of course, the care of our inner side.

how to make yourself present

This being present doesn’t need to be physical, you already know. But sometimes it can even materialize in small gestures of affection coming from the heart, capable of saying as much or more than our own words. Designer and artisan Mayara Leão did it this way: she and the partner with whom she shares her days materialized the affection felt by her friends and made it to the door of each one of them. “We have a friend who sells coffee in Belo Horizonte. One day, we were at home and we received a message: ‘come down here!’ When we went to see it, he had a little bag of coffee hanging from a tree with a little note”, she says.

Then the chain began: from the kitchen of her house, warm bread went straight to the door of the friends’ house, who in turn also made their way to be present, through cakes and cookies made by themselves, lemon picked from the backyard , recipes carrying old and familiar stories. “It was always something affectionate, done by each friend or coming from somewhere important to each one. It was fun because we were always looking forward to what was to come”, recalls Mayara.

And Mayara’s work also has the mission of delivering affection in the form of a gift: she manually makes delicate jewels that often reach the corner of people she doesn’t even know yet. “At the beginning of the pandemic, I questioned my work in the face of everything that was happening. But, little by little, people showed me that there was a purpose there, to inspire and bring a little color and lightness”.

The importance of captivating

Of these delicacies, Projeto Palavra is the one that has found the most other homes. From a word chosen by each person, Mayara produces necklaces in paper and resin, for each one to carry with them what they feel – or what they want for the other. “The most requested words are calm and courage. They say a lot about what we need right now,” he says. “I am happy when they say it is a gift for someone else. It is as if they also sent a wish and affection from me in the form of a gift”.

Psychologist Bruna Berger reminded me of the story of The Little Prince and how it teaches us about captivating, about caring, about having empathy and about respect the time each other. “His care for the rose, waiting to meet the fox. All this brings us, in a very beautiful way, the simplicity of affection and the construction of true friendships”. A co-worker once told me something I’ve never forgotten: a friend is a home, where you enter without knocking. Taking care of our friendships is also taking care of our internal and external homes, with all the love we bring with us through the crossing.

By Débora Gomes – Vida Simples magazine

He has the habit of not answering the phone, but he always has a shoulder available for friends to rest their dreams on.