“And what about when I’m told I can’t drink sugar, I feel like I’m losing my mind – why am I obsessed with sugar? What’s wrong with me? “
Tears rolled down my cheeks, chattering in chat as my husband and I chatted during work hours, dispelling all the intense emotions that haunted me after my midwife emailed me. Gestational diabetes.
After the passage Gastric bypass at 5pm And the loss of 100 – enough in a J. Crew suit, but never in pants; Pay attention to only a few men, but never crossed the social line from “fat friend” to “beautiful woman” – I concluded that, although this did not happen, the operation “leveled the playing field” . That is, I could diet like a normal woman and have control over my previously uncontrollable body.
Over the next 15 years, I spent between crash diets and reactive foods at the wheel of my hand, punched myself in the gym and then spent lunch time writing to my girlfriend away about what to eat. I that day and how. Lots of calories left over.
However, by the time I turned 30, I mostly admitted that my body didn’t want to be 16 sizes smaller. Dieting has caused me unbearable boredom, so I tried to avoid it and recently I found out I feel good with yoga, even if it doesn’t detract from me. But I was also the youngest, the result of nine months of severe depression after ending the relationship with the aforementioned boyfriend.
When I started to regain some of that weight after meeting a new man (now my wife), my eating problems still came up. I threatened his stupidity with my level of obsession, my inability to change and act normally. When I tried to be paleo for three days, celebrating a second batch of “cloudy bread” and “cheese fries,” they both stood up to my therapist. I was banned from dieting, even without talking to my therapist in advance.
Things went well again. Between therapy, investing more time and energy in areas with positive fat, and starting to work with a nutrition consultant who specializes in intuitive nutrition, I was able to combat my obsession with deficiency and control. Even though I knew the severity of the pandemic I was experiencing but was not monitored, against my will I was fixed at the ambulance center and placed in large quantities on top of my additional care papers, I did not diet.
I cried, got angry and panicked, but I wasn’t on a diet.
Then, at age 36, I got pregnant.
The first quarter was pretty much fine. Yes, finding a provider who doesn’t care about my BMI was a struggle and morning sickness (or, for me, all day) was no joke, but with the help of my nutrition counselor I was able to avoid premeditation. . Imaginations of what and how much I should eat and focus on feeding my body what it tolerates – almost just salty carbohydrates.
But when the pregnancy was gone and the nausea subsided, things became complicated. After gastric bypass, I had to avoid certain fatty or sugary foods; A few years later, I was diagnosed with oral allergy syndrome, which severely limited the amount of fresh fruits and vegetables I could eat without being cooked and salted. I got used to these restrictions, but then came the pregnancy.
No raw fish. No tuna, even when cooked. No pink meat. No fresh / soft cheese. Not pineapple. No Caesar salad. No more than 200 mg of caffeine. Without Google “Can I eat xyz while pregnant?” You don’t mean that what you put in your mouth can kill your unborn baby.
He worked for years to break the binary link between good and bad food and there is one simple flaw in it! I would have given moral value to food if it was related to my condition.
The cycle only tightened when we went through the blood glucose testing phase of pregnancy and found out that against the reactive hypoglycemia I was experiencing through gastric bypass, I was actually on the brink of gestational diabetes.
At first I just needed to check my blood sugar and not change my diet – I was in “observation period” – but I knew more than that. I started analyzing everything that came into my mouth, secretly Google whether food was “allowed” by gestational diabetes and to prevent it, but I was also obsessed with carbohydrates.
I noticed them, I immediately ate nothing but desperate bread, buns and sweets and I denied my own desperation, my weakness. I was looking for recipes that were suitable for diabetes but not full of fake sugar – I actually found it A nice one – and bought a keto substitute for the hundreds of dollars worth of snacks I missed (Word for Wisdom: Kodiak Waffles Now No. eggs).
My last defense did not succeed. After years of refusing to consult nutrition and talk about diet at work / with family / friends / online, I’m back to my 90’s Californian roots: carbohydrates are the enemy. And this time I can no longer argue because it is a threat to my child’s health and not mine.
My husband keeps reminding me that this smoky medical focus is temporary in my diet, but I know there is something older and more lasting in my brain.
Now that I’m here, no doubt I’ve been told about diet, the last remnants of my common sense have been erased from an informative PDF, full of embarrassing and embarrassing talk about diet and weight. All the time and energy (and money) I spent trying to escape the diet culture I felt in front of it Pretty common But this severely leads to diagnosis.
When I wrote to my nutritionist about the diagnosis, he instructed me to stop looking at the brochure and advised him to work. Certified Diabetes Teacher (CDE) Experience working with people recovering from the trauma of eating disorders and food culture.
And he was right. I can’t overstate the benefits of working with someone who understands the intricacies of diabetes, who can have a holistic view of my glucose readings, and who can contextualize my questions and concerns with my history and other limitations. Every time I leave for a virtual meeting with my CDE, I feel more relieved.
But it doesn’t last. By the time I ate again, I was having a hard time. This is actually worse than my previous experience with the diet because the rules are less strict: they are Appreciated Eat carbohydrates, but they should be in the right kind of carbohydrates, in the right quantities, in parallel with the right balance of protein, fat and fiber. It was enough for me to miss the days of my fat camps where any skinny adult would share everything and I could just eat unnecessarily (even badly).
The constant calculations and monitoring of carbohydrates and food preparation is a good reminder of why the diet has plagued me for so long. It’s exhausting and covers everything. But I had to do it, and unfortunately my damaged brain was pretty good; I don’t want to admit that I’m used to this annoying diet, I don’t have difficulty dieting every day.
Between limited food choices and a baby with a stomach ache, I still don’t want to eat – I have to remember to eat to keep them both alive. It also resulted in continuous weight loss in the second half of the pregnancy, which is why my midwife seemed so happy with my wishes (despite the dark, ancient pride that sometimes comes out of my deepest part). when he mentions it).
The good news is that most of these problems should go away within a day or two after giving birth – the thought of a turkey sandwich taking my wife to the hospital is the only thing that really keeps me waiting. for childbirth.
I said “should” because Do not look for statistics on type 2 diabetes after gestational diabetes. But as my CDE points out, it’s another risk factor just like any other. And thank God, because the last thing I need is an obsession with carbohydrates and glucose levels, and how much fruit I can eat when I try to live this little person’s life. Outside My body.
It’s less certain if I’ll immediately return to neutral or fun food choices and not to test my morale. I can only hope and prepare myself – in case my mental health doesn’t “come back” – to go back to the task of breaking down the lessons in diet culture where it’s so easy to come back.
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If you are having difficulty with an eating disorder, call National Association of Eating Disorders Hotline At 1-800-931-2237.
Source: Huffpost
