author of Old girlA stunning essay combining autobiography and investigation, journalist Marie Kok advocates personal development.
Madame Figaro. – How was the idea of the book born?
Marie Coke.- For several years, I thought about the fact of having neither a husband nor a child. But one morning I woke up saying to myself. “Finally your life isn’t so bad.” I blamed myself for obsessing over what I perceived as an achievement. I realized that there were many times in my life when everything was fine with me even though society was sending me back to some kind of failure.
And you doubt that this path in your life is mapped out for women: couplehood and motherhood…
The biggest pressure came from friends who started having children. We hear that it is a form of unconditional love, the greatest love of our lives. More than motherhood, I feared letting go. For a partner, I wondered why I couldn’t do it, like I had to have special skills to be in a relationship. And also financial issues were tormenting me. I couldn’t buy a larger one or access a property by myself. We’ve been taught that home is an essential step when so many couples don’t work out; the suffering, the months of separation, the tension can be excruciating. However, this model is perceived as the only gaming table where you can place your bets. I made another bet: you can have a successful or unsuccessful life regardless of whether you are in a relationship or with children. We have given these elements a disproportionate place in the performance of life.
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Why is this model, broken, still so attractive?
I believe that the family island is seen as a way to overcome the lack of solidarity in society. Families try to create harmony for their children, hoping to make them better people for the next generation. However, we are on the brink of an abyss. But even though the world is falling apart, you still need to pick your kids up from school with the best possible snack. When you don’t have these logistics to manage, you realize the world is going very wrong. Metaphysical questions about the meaning of life, about the absurdity of being born to die, are soothed by the presence of a partner and the presence of children to make a mark. Not to do so is to accept dying for good.
And what about the cliché of selfishness that sticks to singles?
It is surprising to say of spinsters that they are selfish, when parents often have children in order to obtain absolute love and “nothing but themselves.” But, more than our supposed inability to love, we are criticized above all for our time management; being alone means taking more control of your time, including doing nothing. Having kids is also sometimes a great excuse not to do something you don’t want to do… For me, when I say no, it’s without excuses. But I think my alone time makes me a better person for my friends; I don’t take them for crutches. Living alone means getting rid of utilitarian relationships with people, which is the exact opposite of selfishness.
It is surprising to say of spinsters that they are selfish, when parents often force their children to acquire absolute love.
Marie Coke
Was writing this essay liberating?
Yes, in the sense that I said out loud that I believe a successful life can be a humble, righteous life that can happen off the beaten path. And writing in black and white that I will not have a child gave me life. There are still so many areas where I want to discover my freedom. As for love, I wish we all find it, but we also have to accept the idea that it may not happen. We cannot set aside the rest of our lives for this quest.
Source: Le Figaro
