“There was a terrible Christmas right after my father left.” How will they celebrate their loved ones again?

“It was a horrible Christmas right after my dad left where he just came and kissed me and my sister. My mom cried.” Like many families, 38-year-old Manon, a librarian in Paris, experienced these rifts, which suddenly turn the end of the year celebrations into a station of the cross. We were teenagers and it lasted for several years.

How many families go through these “down” years, where Christmas is no longer as pleasant and warm as it used to be? Bereavement, separation, tension or just gloomy teenagers, somewhat annoying guests… Some people go to the annual dinner wearing lead soles. invented new rituals.

In order not to worry about meeting three people on December 25, Manon and her sister quickly decided to invite friends people were less at risk because any family tension was redistributed. And then, we behaved better,” he says.

No trouble in the kitchen

Today, the two sisters are doing everything they can to avoid reliving the terrible Christmas of their childhood. “With our husbands and children, there is less room for arguments. But we still strategize to make it a good time. No hassles in the kitchen, we plan a simple meal; for example, raclette.We also invented a new tradition. In addition to usual gifts, we offer “live gifts”. “Last year my mother made a song about her grandchildren, my Guyanese companion and I got a story in Creole and French. There are also family quizzes. Even if the result is not great, it’s a really nice little show.”

Sophie, from a large family dynamic in her fifties, is totally on board with the idea of ​​inviting people from outside the family. A friend whose family is in China, another single, a cousin who is alone… It’s not charity, it makes us really happy. My mother is 95 years old, but she is used to big tables, it doesn’t scare her.”

For Sophie, opening her table to her friends is the best solution. “You don’t have to close yourself off to your family. In the end, Christmas becomes a chore, because it’s always the same people at the table… It’s more joyful, it’s fresh air. And it’s still a family holiday that we invite friends who are part of the family history. I won’t invite a friend from work, for example.”

“Adult Christmas”

When the children grow up, the magic can also fade away. So some have decided to make Christmas a holiday for adults. Like Natalie, who lives in Reunion, and who invites her relatives to a holiday party brings. Like Boom. When the kids grow up, you need to know how to make a grown-up Christmas.”

For psychologist Patricia Mozzan, we can simply focus on “whatever awakens our senses; decoration, a very beautiful table, everything that shines, everything that is beautiful makes us want it.”

And why not take everyone on a little trip? This year, Pierre, 35, is invited by his mother to take a short trip to Andalucía. this experience is welcome,” he explains. “This place is full of happy memories, we used to go there often. The weather is generally good and warm, we can do sports as a family.” If even a happy and hearty dinner, surrounded by family and friends, could be enough for him.

There’s a real performance anxiety, a social weight to the Christmas party

Beatrice Beloil, Clinical Psychologist

“There’s a real performance anxiety, a social weight to the Christmas party,” explains Béatrice Beloy, a clinical psychologist at Boulogne-Billancourt. Everyone’s supposed to love Christmas. It’s a party we don’t have the right to miss. So when the pressure gets tough, he advises to “lighten yourself with the burden of responsibilities; to have less demands for this celebration, less luxury in food or gifts, to find meaning, to be less materialistic and more valuable.”

“Suffer no more, act”

But when a painful event has happened in the family, is it better to clean up the traditions or, on the contrary, to keep the same rituals? : Others, on the contrary, will feel the need to maintain exactly the same atmosphere, because it is reassuring. My advice is to listen to yourself,” advises Beatrice Beloy.

Since the departure of her children’s father, Marie has wanted above all to “maintain the permanence of the family.” On Christmas day, she invites her ex-partner’s elders to join their big, warm table. Then we all go to the village together for a few days. This celebration allows us to maintain the bonds between two siblings.

And if, despite everyone’s efforts, we are afraid of arguments and outbursts? “I recommend going with a resource person you can count on when you’re dealing with a dysfunctional family. But also weigh the pros and cons. “If it doesn’t suit me anymore, why not do it differently?” For example, stay only one evening instead of two days. We can get rid of the classical example. We must not endure any longer, we must act,” insists Béatrice Belloy.

Annual photo

This is what the 42-year-old Baptist did. “To limit the neuroses to one meal” he preferred to spend New Year’s Eve only with his wife and three young children. “On the 25th, we received my mother, brother, mother-in-law and two cousins ​​who are alone in Paris. It’s a meal where I’m a little guarded, I’m watching everyone, I’m not calm. So, it’s been a few years since the five of us decided to spend New Years together. We have our little rituals: first mass at 7pm, then we come home to eat snails, foie gras… And then above all the annual photo, a very posed photo, self-timer, a real device. I attach great importance to that. It’s our bubble, our own moment.”

Matilda made a radical decision. After years of “disastrous” New Year’s Eves. “I met a friend at the bar just before to relax before I went there,” she says, now celebrating Christmas with a small group at her sister’s house, and “everything is happier.”