Fear no more. expert advice to confirm your needs with confidence

Do you find yourself lending money without daring to ask for repayment? Agree to go to a party just to avoid upsetting a friend? Do you have that nagging feeling that your kindness is being taken advantage of? Then you are likely to sacrifice your own needs for the benefit of others. American psychotherapist Sharon Martin says this in an article published on the website on July 4 Psychology today. “Fear often prevents us from asserting ourselves and asking for what we need in our relationships,” she laments. However, too much generosity can harm us, causing exhaustion and resentment. Without completely ceasing to help others, the expert invites us to be self-reliant to find the right balance between what we give and what we receive.

Several signs can indicate that we are not taking care of our needs sufficiently, first, the psychotherapist. These include: “you’re afraid to say no because you don’t want to upset or disappoint people,” “you accept certain things out of guilt or obligation,” “you spend time with people you don’t like,” or “you compromise your values ​​to accommodate others.” or to please.” Avoiding conflict and apologizing for wrongdoings can also make you feel better.

Learn self-confidence

If we’re concerned, it’s time to “express our needs and feelings in a clear and direct way, with respect for ourselves and others,” encourages Sharon Martin. To put ourselves in this position, it would be good to first question ourselves and become aware of the fears that prevent us from asserting ourselves. For example, we may fear “hurting others, being rejected, being abandoned, getting into conflict, being difficult to understand, and having our needs ignored.”

Then the psychotherapist gives some tips to overcome these fears and communicate with confidence:

• Ask yourself regularly how you feel and what you need.
• Prepare for difficult conversations by planning and rehearsing what you want to say.
• Choose the optimal time to express your thoughts and feelings, ensuring that you have the other person’s full attention.
• If you are angry or anxious, try to calm down first.
• Simply and directly ask for what you want and don’t expect others to guess it.
• Stay true to your feelings and needs.
• Use “I” to express your feelings and needs without blaming them.
• Listen actively to understand the other person’s point of view.
• Practice self-confidence regularly to facilitate this.

The game is worth the effort. “Confidential communication promotes respect for others and increases self-esteem,” assures the specialist. You’ll feel better about yourself if you value your feelings and needs instead of ignoring them, and it makes it more likely that your needs will be met.” If we are afraid of the other person’s reaction to our rejection, it is good to remember that a healthy and balanced relationship must take into account the needs of each person. And if one of our loved ones can’t answer our question, “we can use this information to determine the level of intimacy we want to maintain with them in the future,” believes the psychotherapist.