“I can no longer support his speech.” friendship and politics when differences widen the gap

His voice breaks as he thinks about the past few weeks. Since June 9 and the victory of the National Rally in the European elections, Elodie* has not had anyone to talk to. When asked, his ballot fell into a box with the name of far-right leader Jordan Bardella. “When he won, I got a message from one of my relatives who found out I was following Jordan Bardela on social media, with this sentence written in capital letters: , – recalls the 22-year-old Breton. As the news spread through his group of friends, he received several such messages. At this moment, Elodie tries to justify herself, to explain that it is more of an economic vote than a social one, but these messages are received with silence by her interlocutors. “I can’t be friends with someone who follows a racist, sorry,” she concludes. In less than twenty-four hours, 7 of them unfollowed her on Instagram, allegedly to cut her out of their lives.

Basis of common values

Can we stay close to someone who does not share our political ideas, our ideological base? At a time when President Emmanuel Macron has announced the dissolution of the National Assembly, leading to a possible far-right victory in snap parliamentary elections on June 30 and July 7, even this simple question seems trivial. Amelie, a left-wing voter and communications director of Paris, reacts harshly. “Disagreement can be acceptable, but only to a certain extent,” he explains Madame Figaro. There are speeches that I cannot approve. Friendship is about shared values.” Without it, he prefers “no more exchange, no more seeing, no more talking.”

About two weeks ago, this 45-year-old mother had a tense exchange with some friends. Until then, he had mocked their political differences, which he had known for a long time, gently confusing them with jokes. But that evening the smiles tightened. “I heard expressions like: “We’ve never tried the National Rally, let’s see what it does,” but also muddled theories about immigration and the perfect replacement (The theory of the “submergence” of France by foreigners, adopted by far-right candidate Eric Zemmour, editor’s note.)”. Amelie tries to control herself, delving into her memories; “I can’t stand hearing such racist speeches and I can’t accept being around people who won’t block the far right, it’s a big disappointment in my opinion.” In extremely “straight shoes,” she says, she “knew at that moment she’d never see them again.”

How can we explain such tension in the face of opposing opinions? For psychoanalyst Valerie Grumelin, a specialist in cognitive-behavioral therapy, politics touches the deepest roots of the human being. “Everyone has an obligation that belongs to him. It is easier to live in society when everything is going well, but chaos brings out personalities, we will think about our history, our experiences, and here otherness is not allowed,” he notes. “Everyone has their own customs, traditions and history imprinted on their bodies. When we deal with such things, the emotions overwhelm us. As such, many people prefer to talk to people who are more or less on the same political side as them. According to a 2015 study by political scientist Anne Muxel, entitled “Political Pluralism Put to the Test in Private Life,” almost 70% of French people attend a similar environment and 61% prefer to have a political discussion. ” with someone who shares the same ideas. “People who suffer from the same things inevitably come together. We know each other and we have a reason to fight together, that’s what creates the bond,” continues Valery Grumelin.

Polarization of camps

Especially since the society has been pointing to a real division for several years. According to sociologist Remi Oudgiri, CEO of Sociovision (Ifop research group), the uncertainty about the future has caused the polarization of our civilization, which now makes any compromise impossible. “Anxieties and fears have grown to such an extent that people are becoming radicalized,” he explains. In fact, people are voting less than before, but the extremists are gaining power.” The reason, then, is a loss of direction and a sense of abandonment. “Even 20 years ago, developments in society seemed possible, we were entering the digital age, ecology… But due to disappointment, there is no longer a consensus on the ways of the future. We can clearly see that on topics like immigration or women’s rights, for example, people no longer place the cursor in the same place. Everyone will have their own definition of racism or feminism, and the debate will get heated very quickly. “People don’t speak the same language anymore,” analyzes the expert. In this context, social networks also have their share of responsibility. “They are a kingdom of extremism with their influencers, opinion leaders and activists promoting the stigmatization of opposing sides. Social networks have taught us to stay in thought bubbles, which no longer allow us to listen as before.”

Then another question arises. Shall we now dare to talk politics among friends? Alexandra will never make that mistake again. Two years ago, on the eve of the presidential election, which pitted Emmanuel Macron and Marine Le Pen against each other for a second term, the 31-year-old lawyer accepted an invitation to dinner with her best friend. The exchanges are initially cordial until the topic of feminism comes to the table. “The tone has risen. Religion entered the debate, I explained that Islam, in my opinion, is oppressive to women,” she says. According to him, his speech was measured, nuanced, because “I knew that I was facing people who do not share the same ideas.” Continuing, the guests discuss immigration, security, Jews and Muslims. Alexandra, nicknamed “Zemmurist” by her friends, remembers feeling like “the evening was turned upside down.” “True hell,” he explains. The day after the hostilities, he received a text from his best friend, explaining that he needed to digest his comments the day before, but that he was no longer sure that he would ever be able to talk to her again. After several months of silence, the two friends will see each other for the last time, “like two strangers”.

A less tolerant left?

This episode rocked Alexandra’s life and habits. Now he never raises his own opinion at dinner. Now he measures each statement according to the person to whom it is directed. “I completely restrained myself. With those who agreed to remain friends with me, we have a Whatsapp group with one rule. don’t talk politics anymore. Rather, talk about his romantic failures, work, “new shoes”. “This friendly separation was very hard for me. I believe that we have indeed found common values, but we just did not think alike.’ In this case, Alexandra here points to the “lack of tolerance” of her friends with left-wing, progressive values. A book on this topic by political scientist Ann Muxell titled You, Me and Politics – Love and Beliefs In 2008, he spoke about the impact of politics on the company. In his analysis, he concluded that people who vote on the left will be more attentive to the opinions of those around them and less willing to form friendships with people of different parties. “It was a surprise to me to the extent that the values ​​of tolerance, respect for differences, respect for others are part of the culture demanded by the left anyway. However, there is greater difficulty for people who classify themselves on the left to accept political differences in the private sphere,” he stated in France Inter the same year.

After all, we should put a veto on taboo conversations. “A company is like a couple, in order for it to work, you have to approach each other without judging or criticizing each other. But we live in angry times, and in this sense friends must burn with the same fire. In an atmosphere where politics is on everyone’s lips, the friendships that survive will be the same,” concludes psychoanalyst Valerie Grumelin. For the rest, there will be those among whom discussions will be exhausted. Sometimes to the point of completely disappearing.