Aggression, calmness, alliance… Explore your argumentative style to better understand it

Some people hate conflict, while others find it disturbingly common sense. These different attitudes, of course, guide how we handle disagreements. in an article he wrote in the magazine on May 30 Psychology today , Lorraine Soreiro, an American psychologist, describes four different types of arguments drawn from several experimental and psychoanalytic studies. It is enough to get to know each other better, understand the conflict better and prevent the situation from getting worse.

Aggression

Some people are easily impulsive and, under the influence of anger, “say things that can do long-term damage to the bonds between friends and family.” They are prone to aggression. There is actually a fever behind the attack, says Loren Soreiro. “They may believe that if they don’t win, their inner fragility will be exposed. This creates a chronic feeling of anxiety and a quick, defensive response to a perceived threat. These “aggressors” see themselves as victorious when the other person loses, which often gives the impression that their personal interests take precedence over the interests of the relationship.

Avoidance

On the contrary, some cannot stand the confrontation and run away. They will tend to avoid conflict or even an accident. “They prefer to ignore problems, hoping they will go away, rather than dealing with them openly; this habit can lead them to avoid potentially productive conversations,” emphasizes the psychologist. They often come across as distant and uncaring, seemingly oblivious to the needs of others or even their own. “Continually avoiding conflict usually results in a lose-lose outcome in which no one ever wins and no progress is made.”

Among these “avoidants” we find two types: on the one hand, those who immerse themselves in intellectualization, and on the other hand, those who avoid them. The former needs rational answers and will insist on logic at all costs, rather than listening to the other person’s feelings, falling into a form of arrogance. The second, “disappears physically when a conflict arises”. it’s the only answer he finds to “anxiety he doesn’t know how to express.”

Appeasement

Here, the persons involved “will try to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible, even if such resolution is premature or superficial (…), which may not seem very satisfactory.” They go so far as to sacrifice their own needs in order to end the dispute as quickly as possible. For what ? A lack of confidence or even a tendency to put oneself behind others can explain this self-sabotage. Be careful, “the solutions obtained in this way can be superficial (…) and eventually lead to resentment, which often has long-term negative consequences for the relationship,” informs the practitioner.

Alliance

Lauren Soreiro considers it “the most effective way to resolve conflict.” Those who sign up “can manage their own emotional distress to avoid getting defensive in the middle of an argument, and they can often empathize during difficult times to get through those heated moments,” notes the psychologist. These people are not looking for a quick result at any cost and want to find a common language, thereby contributing to a long-term relationship.