How childhood fear of abandonment affects your relationships

Constantly doubting our partner’s lack of love, fearing being alone from one day to the next, even when things are going well… These feelings can indicate a fear of abandonment. This trauma, also called “abandonment syndrome,” refers to the constant anxiety of being abandoned. It most often develops in childhood or after “a profound loss, divorce, rejection, or loss of friendship,” explains psychologist Annie Tanasugarn. in his article published on the website on January 21 Psychology todayexpert explains how this fear affects our romantic, friendship and family relationships.

Super fast attachment

According to Annie Tanasugarn, we can equate the fear of abandonment with the strong intensity set from the beginning of a friendship or romantic relationship. For example, we notice “excessive exchange of intimate details with a person in order to speed up the ‘connection’,” or even “spend endless hours talking to a new person (with the impression of knowing him forever),” notes the psychologist. . The problem? In our desire to escape loneliness and create connections at all costs, we risk becoming friends with toxic people.

Hypervigilance

To soothe the pain of abandonment, we tend to overprotect those close to us. This is a typical example of a friend who is overly concerned for our safety when we return home late at night. A reflex that can “suffocate” some. “If the constant need to “check in” with others helps alleviate a person’s intense fear of abandonment, at the same time it causes tension and instability in their relationships,” warns the specialist.

Increased sensitivity

Certain remarks may take on a disproportionate dimension in the mind of an individual suffering from abandonment syndrome. At work, as in a more intimate circle, the criticisms directed at him make him defensive and vulnerable. “This is especially true for people who are perfectionists and who have unrealistic expectations of themselves,” the psychologist notes in his text.

Doubt

Fear of rejection mainly involves a lack of trust in others. According to Anna Thanasugarn, we especially notice this in the couple. “obsessed people live with the constant suspicion that their partner will reject them, which makes them vulnerable and prompts them to be ‘clingy’, ‘demanding for affection’ or ‘demanding’ towards their partner”.

If the fear of abandonment damages the relationship, the psychologist first invites you to identify the situations that rekindle the trauma. To ensure a stable emotional state, “it’s important to have people you trust in your life,” she recalls. “Healing from the wounds of abandonment often involves evaluating the quality of our relationships and letting go of those that are toxic and damage our sense of peace.”