“I would probably go to bed very late, drunk and exhausted.” why are we making less love on the wedding night now?

Everything is green there, calm and will. Vegetable gardens, paths highlighted by flower beds, several animals, grape vines and a beautiful white stone building. All with a stunning view of the Atlantic Ocean. It was there, in the Nantes region, that 27-year-old Valentin would soon marry Adrien, his companion of three years. “During the preparations, the venue team explained to me that chilled champagne and rose petals would be waiting for us in the room on the wedding night. I burst out laughing, – smiles this Parisian employee of a large cosmetics group. I shall probably go to bed very late, drunk and exhausted, wanting nothing but to drink and lie among the flowers.’

Back from a party like any other, heavy with alcohol and fatigue. Here’s what happened on the wedding night. They XVIII^e and XIX^e The ages that historian Aicha Limbada explores in a fascinating book (1) seem far away. Thus, in ignorance of the flesh, women were bound to virginity and obedience to their husbands. First intercourse seemed almost mandatory because family, friends, and neighbors made sure it took place. Far from the indifference that it seems to evoke today. Like other brides-to-be or young brides we’ve interviewed, Valentine didn’t think twice about her wedding night or talk about it with her husband-to-be. Focused on the ceremony, she thinks only of dancing and then going to sleep. As per a 2013 study of 2,000 of them, more than one in two British couples who did not consummate their marriage on the same day, which we will take as a reference due to the lack of figures in France. Did you bring up the first reason? Alcohol, which crushes rather than inflames desire.

But another deck reshuffles the cards. Since the 1980s, less than a third of unions started with marriage, and less than one in two people living in a couple planned to marry, sociologist Francois de Single recalls in his book. Sociology of modern families (Ed. Dunod). At the start of the new millennium, only 10% of French people are waiting for D-Day to live together. And the share of children born out of wedlock continues to rise, from almost 57% in 2012 to almost 64% in 2022, according to INSEE. In short, we live together, we make love, and sometimes we start a family long before we appear at the mayor’s office. Why, then, burn with desire more on that day than on another? “After six years in a relationship, you know very well when you have the best sex. As for me, it’s not when I come home from a party, let alone eight months pregnant,” laughs Olivia, a 31-year-old Parisian lawyer who recently married Noah.

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Everything for the day, nothing for the night.

From one testimony to another, despite everything, a certain paradox occurs. The one with the huge gap between the ceremony and the wedding night. The marriage now seems to be ending with the premiere, which has been the subject of long and meticulous preparations. Continuity no longer exists, or barely. But since when? “The 1970s opened a period of great transformation in French society,” emphasizes sociologist Florence Mailochon, director of research at CNRS, professor at ENS and author. The passion of marriage (Ed. Puff). The obligation to live as a couple and marry to have sexuality has collapsed as family constraints, social norms and the dominance of religious discourse have gradually disintegrated. The expansion of education, further entry into working life, the advancement of women’s rights, and the decline of religion gradually reshaped the cards of the heart, sex, and the couple. And gradually reveals the connection between each of these areas of life, especially among the youngest. “Today we have sex at 17, we’re married at 24, and if we marry, we do it in our thirties, so we get divorced almost every second,” recalls Florence Miloshon.

Carnal intimacy therefore occurs long before DD. And the wedding night fades away, erased by other old and precious memories. “On the same evening, we made love tenderly, but normally. On the other hand, eight years later, we still talk about our first night together,” smiles 27-year-old Turkish designer Derya *. We meet her, slender and casually dressed in a white dress, on the terrace of a café in western Paris. Having settled in the capital for a few years, she has just married Etienne there in a small ceremony before a lavish party in Istanbul, where the couple will spend the night in the same house as their parents. “I don’t have any expectations yet,” continues Derya, “above all, I expect to dance until the morning.” Besides, I often tell my relatives that we are doing all this for them, to reunite our families. In my eyes, a wedding is more of a moment for a hundred and twenty people than for two.

A wedding is more for one hundred and twenty people than for two

Derya, a 27-year-old Turkish designer

A demonstration of strength in love

This is the other major shift that has occurred in recent decades. Freed from its traditional role (to start a married life), marriage has become a kind of display of power. “The ceremony symbolizes the intensity of the couple’s bond and shows everyone the strength of their commitment,” explains Florence Mailochon. We realize self-actualization in the concept of the individual as the entrepreneur of his own life, including marital, desirable and successful if possible. We give ourselves to see, in short, more than we experience the moment. Then the attention of the newlyweds turns completely to others, guests, families. It’s about making sure everyone has fun, from the group of friends in their thirties to the grandparents, but also that everyone feels the love of the newlyweds through what they see and hear. All are burdened with the added complexity of the requirement for originality.

“Ceremony methods have evolved, analyzes Florence Mailochon. It’s not just about getting good anymore, it’s about being different from others by reflecting your own uniqueness, your own taste. We personalize our marriage like our house, our car and our whole life, in fact.” Hence the hours of debate and research devoted to every detail, from the menu to the floral arrangements and staging of the ceremony. Everything should reflect the identity of the couple and be as photo and videogenic as possible. For Instagram, of course, but also for the cameraman, even the drone pilot who increasingly accompanies the traditional photographer. An enormous mental and physical burden spread over several months, leaving very little time and energy for his partner or himself. “We have such pressure for everything that we especially don’t want it on our wedding night,” sighs 27-year-old Parisian Valentine. If we are making love, so much the better, if not, entangled sleeping will suit us very well.

We have so much pressure for everything that we especially don’t want it on our wedding night

Valentine, 27 years old

This form of pragmatism is imposed on many couples, realizing that they cannot be on all fronts at the same time. Should we regret it? Especially not, says sexologist Margot Fried-Filiozat, whose author Intimate intelligence (Editor: Robert Laffont). “In the collective imagination, the wedding night remains the night when we’re supposed to have the best sex of our lives. Like wedding anniversaries or Valentine’s Day, it conveys the idea of ​​inevitable, obligatory sex. This creates a command, a source of anxiety. We hope to achieve it and have desire, or we refuse to force ourselves to please the other person. There’s nothing like going to sleep like going to the scaffolding to smother the urge before it hits. So it’s better to be realistic and choose your own pace.

In the United States, sexologist Dan Savage has managed to distill his mantra over thirty years of column writing in several newspapers. “Lie down first.” He encourages couples to make love first, to give it the time and attention it needs, and to spare each other any disappointment. Forgotten, night, make way for the morning of the wedding. Others prefer to wait until the next day, or even the next week. “Studies show that couples who go on a honeymoon last longer and are more satisfied,” continues Margot Fried-Filiozat. This allows you to spend time with and only for your partner. The main thing is to meet, not to decide that we will do it on the same day. Even if you can of course have a wish on your wedding night.

Horizons of Intimacy

Ujoyni suspected she was one when she married Gabriel*, her partner of ten years, celebrating last summer. “I only thought about it a few days before the ceremony when he gave me a very nice pair of underwear and while getting ready in our luxurious bathroom I thought it would be a beautiful place. where you can make love,” he smiles. this thirty-year-old Parisian researcher, a lock of black hair crossed his face. At 7 in the morning, when her husband is already asleep, nothing else matters to her than to continue dancing with a handful of guests still standing. “Then Gabriel joins us, reminds us that breakfast is waiting for us and that it would be good to go to bed,” he recalls. Before whispering in my ear that he is waiting for me. In a second I wanted him. The newlyweds make love in the famous bathroom, spread out on a huge Persian carpet, without giving Ujoyn time to take off her heels. “It was very different from our usual sexuality, quite hot and sexy. Without making it a pivotal moment, I have great memories of it. After days of declaring our love for each other, rekindling and rediscovering the intimacy that binds us, it felt special to show up like this.

That may be the real problem. As exhausting as it is, the ceremony reminds couples of what they share. Acting out his love awakens him. And the desire to live with it. Which doesn’t necessarily mean sex. “I am especially looking forward to the meeting, so that we can catch our breath, have time to tell each other. Then Adrien will no longer be my companion, but a member of my family,” says Valentin. A peaceful night’s dream, like breathing after the hustle and bustle, to better understand what has just been formed. And what comes. If it doesn’t mean a break anymore, the marriage opens a new chapter. There he consolidates what already exists. Here he deploys it on a larger scale. It allows us to dream and build bigger. “In our case, we were waiting for him to interrupt our contraception,” Valentin continues with a smile. Something new is beginning.”

* This name has been changed.

(1) Wedding night. A story about marital intimacyby Aïcha Limbada, Éditions La Découverte, 352 pages, €23.

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