The golden rules of apologizing to a “good” person

Pride, regret, resentment… Apologizing can be a delicate and even unpleasant art. However, the exercises are necessary, if only to prevent the outbreak of a dangerous conflict. In practice, the form of these honorific changes varies according to the situation, as Dominique Picard, a psychosociologist and specialist in social relations, wants to point out at the outset (1). “We don’t apologize in the same way if we step on someone’s foot while exiting the subway, if we seriously injure them, or even if we anticipate a problem that will happen, like being chained in a movie theater,” he says. Here are some solid tips to help with the cold my fault apologize properly and, above all, make sure to send the right message.

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Choose the right time

Timing is crucial. Not too late, not too soon. “If we’re still in the middle of a full-blown argument and we’re overwhelmed with emotion, it’s not the moment yet,” notes Dominique Picard. Instead of making excuses in the midst of conflict, the psychologist favors appeasement. “The ideal is to postpone the dialogue until later, when we are calmer, more involved in the discussion and above all more ready to listen to the other person,” he advises. Here, the interest in this distance is not only meant to allow emotions to subside, but also to provide an opportunity to identify and analyze the root of the problem underlying the dispute.

Redressing imbalances through dialogue

For Dominique Picard, we often misunderstand the purpose of an apology, which is often seen as a way to assume 100% of the harm caused. In fact, asking for forgiveness is primarily a way to reopen the discussion and start again on good footing. “The situation should be imagined as a scale. when an attack is made, the recipient feels humiliated. By apologizing, it allows you to reposition yourself on the same level as the other and return to balance,” the psychosociologist summarizes.

Prioritize honesty

There is no good excuse without proof of sincerity. If the offender must be aware of the harm caused by his behavior, then it is also his responsibility to convince the victim. “You have to have real intent my faultto be really aware of it,” emphasizes Nadine Sciaca, trainer and company facilitator (2).

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we may not honestly realize that our actions may have hurt the other person. In this situation, it makes no sense to lie and seek compensation without conviction. On the contrary, “you should show your concern and dig to find the problem by talking. For example, we can interrogate the other as follows: “If I went too far, I’m sorry and I would like to understand what you felt,” suggests psychosociologist Dominique Picard. As long as candor is respected on both sides, respective points of view can be more easily expressed.

Put aside the formal and solemn

Sometimes the formal and almost solemn nature of an apology feels unnatural at times. However, as Dominique Picard reminds us, “if an apology seems like a mere formality, like a quick ‘yes, sorry, sorry,’ it will not have the desired effect.” Formula alone is worthless, confirms coach Nadine Sciaca. According to the mediation specialist, it is preferable to freely and naturally express one’s point of view than to try to fit into a ready-made, superficial and unconvincing formulation.

The same applies to the outcome of the conflict. “Reasoning must be accepted in order to be successful, but not necessarily in a solemn way,” says psychosociologist Dominique Picard. And add: “If the excuse is not accepted, it seems that one of the two remained on his knees, and the other did not help him get up.” And in the case when one forgives, a simple answer is more than enough. To help us, Dominique Picard suggests the following formulation. “It makes me so glad you recognize that, and I’m no angel either.” Obviously, the more natural the posture is, the more fluid the exchanges will be, thus erasing unnecessary pride.

Commit to never doing it again

An apology isn’t really complete without some commitment to the future. According to trainer Nadine Siacca, this attitude requires calming down the offended, always with reliable arguments that our behavior will not be repeated. “If we ignore it, the other person will not relax or be fully satisfied with our forgiveness,” says the specialist. The simplest and most effective way for him is to express what we have understood and what we will implement so that it does not happen again.

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Share bugs

If you think that the other person also has his share of responsibility in the conflict, then it is important to inform him. Asking for forgiveness does not mean that the other is necessarily innocent, notes psychosociologist Dominique Picard. On the contrary, “it is more a way of presenting the model of authenticity to the other,” adds the specialist. Obviously, if we are willing to admit our mistakes, explain our point of view, we expect the other to follow the same approach.

To avoid blaming each other like a ping-pong ball and to gently explain to the other how their behavior caused us problems, coach Nadine Siyaka recommends using non-violent communication. “This method allows you to emphasize facts by expressing needs rather than reproaches or judgments,” he explains. In practice, it’s like saying, “when you do this, this is how I feel, how it affects me, and this is what I would need instead.”

(1) politeness, etiquette and social relations; By Dominique Picard, published by PUF Editions, 128 pages, €9.

(2) How to make our emotions our best allies By Nadine Sciacca and Marie-Agnès Martin, published by Marabout, 192 pages, €15.90.