“Fexting” refers to conducting a conflict via SMS. For some couples, this practice can facilitate communication and prevent tension. But its use can also damage relationships. Explanations:
As a couple, do you ever engage in “fixing”? Far from its cousin “sexting” (sending sexual text messages), this Anglicism shrinks; fight text messagesunderstand fight messages, and therefore consists of conducting a dispute via SMS. As recently as May 2022, Jill Biden used the term in a magazine interview: Harper’s Bazaar , which shows how it sometimes feels with the President of the United States, Joe Biden. But does “fixto” make the conversation less thorny or, on the contrary, more intense? Can we express our feelings better in writing, or are we missing out on the intimate dimension of a heated conversation?
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Beneficial physical distance.
At first sight, the text that causes a dispute through SMS prevents partners from giving way under the intensity of emotions, bursting, speaking up. Being less tainted by emotion, it’s obviously easier to keep a cool head and think rationally about the situation. “When two people argue against each other, they each release and exchange neurotransmitters,” explains couples therapist Kathryn Demanjo. These chemical messengers, which are exchanged when there is anger or anxiety, add emotional intensity to an argument.”
Without the other person, you also don’t talk about the parasitic gestures that you know so well and that annoy you. “Mimics, for example, can increase arousal when a partner has hurt us,” says Camille Rochet, a psychologist, couples therapist, and book author. Five beliefs that prevent you from being happy as a couple (2). Not having it in front of you allows you to take a step back and focus on the words.
The distance established by messaging allows time to process one’s thoughts and sometimes allows for better understanding. Marriage therapist Kathryn Demanjo even recommends email communication in some cases. Less spontaneous, they give a more important dimension to the depths of his mind. Writing can also help those who find it trying, if not impossible, to reveal their vulnerability to a partner. “Sexting can help express what hurts us during the conflict, makes us think about what we feel, show it to the other person,” suggests the specialist.
Risk of misunderstanding
Argument by SMS, a miracle solution to avoid fiery conflicts. Exchange good intelligence? Finally to express what you usually are. The story is far from that simple. And for a good reason, doing without gestures, we also do without facial expressions, body movements, posture, posture… In a word, everything that allows us to convey information without it, they are formulated. Only the latter are sometimes essential to understand the conversation or its problems, says psychologist Camille Roche.
Faced with a smartphone, neutral responses or unanswered text messages can make matters worse
Kathryn Demanjo, Couples Therapist
Moreover, virtual communication leaves the field open for misunderstandings. “In front of his smartphone, we interpret his partner’s messages and make predictions about what he might be thinking,” emphasizes Catherine Demanjo. Neutral responses or SMS left unanswered can make the situation worse.”
The risk is also sending a message at the wrong time, then waiting for a response and interpreting the silence, ruminating. However, we do not know when the addressee will read our message, what mood he will have, what he feels at the moment T… the cocktail is more conducive to the argument. Not forgetting the (very) long messages in which we get lost. To avoid the trap, psychologist Camille Roche invites us to follow the following rule: if we don’t understand each other after 20 minutes of written discussion, we stop the exchanges to resume the face-to-face conversation.
Clear by text message, delve in person.
That said, philosopher Maxim Rovere and author of the book Wishing well and hurting each other. Philosophy of arguments (3), dares to express a clear opinion. According to him, “fax” is “one of the most dangerous means of communication among us today”. He warns about the need to return to embodied conversation at a slower pace. “If texting makes us see that it’s better to talk to each other verbally, so much the better,” she concludes, but let’s not pretend that it will solve our couple’s problems.
Let’s not pretend that texting will solve our couple’s problems
Maxim Rovere, philosopher
If fixing can have some advantages, to get out of it, psychologist Camille Rochet still invites followers to return to the conflict verbally, even for five minutes, just to make sure that they understood themselves. In other words, “find out the big stuff via text message, then dig deeper in person.” And we can also remember the interest of the couple’s argument, according to the philosopher. “A good argument, if it can be one, is one that transforms partners, that enables change to be initiated.” .
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(1) Catherine Demanjo is also the host of the podcast Whoever loves me, follow me .
(2) Five beliefs that prevent you from being happy as a coupleby Camille Rochet, published by Larousse, 240 p., €16.95.
(3) Wishing well and hurting each other. Philosophy of argumentsBy Maxime Rovère, published by Flammarion, 272 pages, €18.
Source: Le Figaro
