If the child refuses to give a kiss, parents should respect this choice. Getty Images:
Some parents ask the child to accompany the interlocutor with a “hello” kiss. Good or bad idea? And if the child refuses, is it really necessary to insist that he comply with this ritual of politeness? We take into account.
“Say hello to the lady.” If you’re a parent, it’s a safe bet that you’ve already said this sentence to encourage your children to greet a teacher, a baker, an aunt, a neighbor, or anyone else who fascinates your social circle. A matter of politeness. For some, the greeting should also be accompanied by a kiss. But should we think carefully before demanding a non-spontaneous gesture of tenderness from a child, just when the question of consent is more relevant? To answer this, we interviewed two childhood experts: Héloise Jounier, psychologist specializing in young children and doctor of psychology at the University of Paris (1), and Agnes Florin, professor of infant and child psychology education at the University of Nantes.
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Antiproductive reflex
Their answer is unanimous: you don’t force a child to be physically close to someone. “We can offer him a kiss, but we never insist. her relationship with the body is at stake here. If the child refuses, the parents must respect this honesty,” sums up Heloise Jounier.
The intention of the adults, apparently, is commendable. We fear the strangeness of rudeness that can bring social rejection to his body. In fact, by forcing the child to kiss the greeter, the parents are also worried about their image. “Parents want to make the best possible impression of their education through policy formulas and gestures,” notes Agnes Florin. The child is the social mirror here, continues Heloise Junior. “The more polite, kinder it seems to others, the happier it is for parents. If, on the contrary, he comes out rudely in society, they say that he is poorly brought up, and on this basis, we will consider that the parents have failed in their mission, therefore, incompetent.”
A child is a social mirror. The more polite, kinder you seem to others, the happier it is for your parents.
Heloise Jr., a psychologist specializing in young children
Demanding a non-spontaneous sign of love, however, would be counterproductive. When you insist that the child come and kiss him on the cheek, and he refuses, the scene quickly turns into general embarrassment. We think of the man who desperately stretches out his cheek into the void. And for a toddler, the consequences can be insidious, especially if he’s shy. “If we make him kiss someone he’s afraid of, for example, we risk making him uncomfortable and emphasizing his anxiety, his social inhibition,” emphasizes psychologist Heloise Jounier.
Learning politeness through imitation
If wet kissing remains an option, polite expressions are important for living together. “Parents should support the teaching of society’s codes and associated signs of politeness,” says Agnes Florin. But how ? According to two experts, the key to successful transfer is simply imitation. the more polite the parents are in everyday life, the more the child will integrate these rules.
By being polite with your child, as with your partner, saying “hello”, “excuse me”, “thank you” as often as necessary, you are conditioning the child with the lexicon of politeness and the likes of his gestures. “From the age of 5 months, a child can show non-verbal signs of gratitude. a smile or a hug to say thank you. For about 9 months, he reproduces the hand sign to say goodbye,” the psychologist reports.
A common mistake is to fall into maturation, that is, to attribute the intentions of adults to a child who speaks but does not yet reason.
Heloise Jr., a psychologist specializing in young children
Patience and pedagogy
In order to receive a spontaneous and sincere “thank you”, on the other hand, you need to arm yourself with patience. “A common mistake is to fall into maturation, that is, to give adult intentions to a child who speaks but does not yet reason,” notes Heloise Junior. According to the specialist, the ability to say “thank you” with the soul and conscience is acquired around the age of 4-5, when the child concentrates and begins to attribute other feelings different from his own. “He understands, for example, that a simple hello is important and brings pleasure to the one who receives it,” imagines the psychologist.
What if our cherub keeps looking at his feet when his beloved sends him warm greetings? Agnes Florin recommends that parents tell the child that someone is expecting a hello in return and remind him that this gesture is important in the eyes of the other person. “If he stubbornly refuses, we do not insist and wait to ask him to verbally explain the reason during a private conversation,” comments the professor of child psychology and education. If the case is repeated several times, experts suggest to parents, with the help of a specialist, to understand whether the child expresses his opposition to a specific person, or whether this behavior is not related to excessive anxiety, social condition. delay
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Source: Le Figaro
