INTERVIEW – In his book Listen!Journalist published on January 11 New York Times interested in the lost art of listening. And it tells us how to once again listen carefully to those around us.
He receives dozens of thank you letters every day. Some trust him that they have finally found love. Others say they got jobs. Others say they have strengthened cohesion within their company. However, Kate Murphy is neither a psychologist nor a magician.
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A few years ago this journalist New York Times embarked on an extensive investigation into the lost art of listening. In Listen. (1), his book, published in January 2020 in the United States and released in France on January 11, the author highlights the advantages of this discipline. To do this, he went to meet with listening professionals, including a bartender, a priest, or even an FBI hostage negotiator. In his book, he offers valuable tips for finding an attentive ear while ignoring notifications, background music, and other distracting thoughts.
Get to know your interlocutor
Miss Figaro. –When word is king, you dedicate your book to the art of getting it. Have we lost the sense of listening?
Kate Murphy. – Often during a conversation, people think about what to say next by looking at their phone, answering next to them, changing the subject, looking around, or breaking away from them. Technology and modern, noisy environments don’t help matters. That is a problem. If we don’t listen to others, we don’t understand them. We cannot create links.
Listening to someone is the only way to get close to them, even to fall in love
Kate Murphy
You say that listening is more important than speaking. I mean?
To be really clear, convincing and attractive, you need to know your interlocutors. And the only way to know them is to listen to them. Not everyone has the same level of understanding, the same sensitivity. The idea is to tailor what you say to your audience. And then, listening to someone is the only way to learn something, to get close to them, even to fall in love.
“Listening Athletes”
Are we all really capable of listening attentively?Everyone has good listening skills. When you’re curious, every conversation is an adventure. In the book, I interview people—a CIA agent, a bartender, a priest—whom I call “listening athletes.” Some of them have a natural ability to listen. Like professional athletes, they are born with this kind of talent. However, a person who does not have this natural ability can practice it. Although he may not hear as well as a CIA agent.
When you’re curious, every conversation is an adventure
Kate Murphy
What do these “hearing athletes” have in common?
It all depends on how they react to their interlocutor. They know how to ask the right questions. They also have a very open attitude. For example, Naomi Henderson, a consumer meeting organizer, never crosses her arms or legs when she talks to someone. His posture is almost an invitation to talk to him, a form of hospitality. He shows that he is not in a hurry, that he is very interested in the conversation.
What rules do these “athletes” use to listen better to their interlocutor?
For them, listening has become a kind of reflex. One of the people I interviewed, however, uses an interesting metaphor. During every discussion, he imagines that he and his interlocutor are holding glasses. He tries not to spill anything on the other person, that is, he allows them to speak, he does not impose his own opinion. It’s a difficult process for him, because naturally we all want to impress people, to tell them why they should like us. But what makes them love us is that we are generous and listen to them.
On the same wavelength
You write that when two people listen and understand each other perfectly, they are literally on the same wavelength…
In his experiments, neuroscientist Uri Hasson compared the speech neural patterns of two people. He discovered that when a listener and a speaker understand each other, their brain waves are synchronized. The more one’s brainwaves match the other’s, the better the communication.
Listening gives a sense of belonging to a community
In your work, you also challenge the conventional wisdom that women always have a better sense of listening than men.
Most people think that women are better listeners than men. But we all know men who know how to listen very well and women who don’t know how to do it at all. It depends on our experience and how we were brought up. If we grew up in a family that made fun of us, we probably stopped listening because it can be offensive.
However, according to you, listening attentively has many benefits…
Listening gives a sense of belonging to a community. This allows you to be better at your job, communicate better with your children, and have a better relationship overall. You don’t even have to agree with the other person to listen. But it allows us to understand how he formed his opinion. To know if you have listened well to someone, you only have to ask yourself two questions: What did I learn about my interlocutor? And how did he feel about it?
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Lack of hearing
Conversely, when should you stop listening? How not to get overwhelmed?
I’m not saying you have to listen to everyone. This is the beauty of listening. it’s a gift and you can decide who to use it with. But sometimes we give up too quickly. We do not give the other person a chance. When you listen well, you more easily identify introverts, those whose inhibitions need to be broken down. You also learn to spot liars and gossip that won’t get you anywhere.
If you don’t listen, you don’t notice the details that can change your life.
Kate Murphy
What harm can be caused by lack of listening, or in any case, poor listening?
Is your relationship suffering? It can even speed up their completion. If you don’t listen, you don’t notice the details that could change your life. You miss opportunities, connections. You may miss the love of your life or work.
Listen to his family
Why is listening important in a couple’s life, and why does it weaken over time?
When a person is near us, we believe that we already know what they are going to say, what they are thinking. So when he speaks, we hear him less. This is called proximity bias in communication. The problem is that human beings are constantly changing. If you stop listening to the other person and being curious, you will lose all contact with them. This is how we get to the point where we say, “You don’t know me anymore,” or “You’re not the same person anymore.”
Don’t tell yourself you know your loved ones by heart
Kate Murphy
And our children? How to educate them to better listen to those around them?
It’s about setting an example for them as they watch the way we interact and emulate it. They should also be listened to more carefully. And once again, don’t tell yourself that you know them by heart. We often want to give advice, act for them. They are taught that there is no place to express their feelings. Let’s ask them questions. We have to make them understand that no matter what happens, we will listen to them. This is the best way to teach them to listen to themselves.
The power of silence
In your book, you explain the importance of gossip, which, despite its negative connotations, can have a positive function in our society. Which one?
Most gossip is not malicious. In fact, they help us to understand the society in which we live, to know what is moral and what is not. When we exchange gossip, our interlocutor can give us his interpretation of the situation. This allows us to keep an open mind. We understand that maybe our vision is not correct, that we should forgive, or on the contrary, take more seriously what has offended us.
Silence allows you to understand what your interlocutor is saying and respond to it more appropriately and sensitively.
Kate Murphy
Tolerance for silence varies from culture to culture. Why is silence sometimes unbearable for us? What are the benefits?
Western cultures are very uncomfortable with silence. In fact, it’s so awkward for us that when a conversation slows down, we want to jump right in before the other person finishes talking. However, silence allows you to better understand what your interlocutor is saying and respond to it more appropriately and sensitively. It is a signal that we send to him. we take time to think about what he is saying. In this way he will be able to collect his ideas and give us the most important part of his story.
(1) Listen. learn to listen, by Keith Murphy, published on January 11, 2023, Ed. JC Lattes, 344 pages, €21.50
Part time. no, it costs less to not work on wednesday afternoon
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Source: Le Figaro
