Benjamin Muller. “The modern father is the father who does not help his wife, but takes care of his children with her”

Benjamin Muller, journalist and columnist for France 2’s La Maison des maternalles, who is also known for his podcast Encore une histoire, has just published a very comprehensive book for expectant fathers: Become the father of idiots (1. A book that, beyond the very practical issues of pregnancy and baby, addresses the couple facing the trials of modern parenthood, charitable education, or even childbirth without taboos. Madame Figarohe looks back at the evolution of the father figure in recent years and the changes still needed in society to achieve gender equality.

This dad came up with a technique to empty the dishwasher while supervising the kids

Madame Figaro – You have just published a book for fathers. What does it mean to be a modern father in 2022?
Benjamin Muller: He is a father who does not help his wife, but takes care of the children with her, 50%. I still meet women who say: “I’m very lucky, I have a husband who helps me”, I find it scary… But luckily there is a general awareness among fathers on the subject. I see more and more of those willing to participate or at least sensitive to this debate. Conversely, we no longer see them say, “No, I don’t take care of the children.” Today, men perceive their emotions more easily, speech is freed. We see, for example, comedians who talk about their fatherhood, like Thomas Ngijol, who does a two-hour show about his children, and it’s very funny. The business world also infuses the theme. Little by little, everything is changing.

In the video, an adorable video of a father styling his daughter

What else needs to change in society so that men can play their full role?
I think the change will come primarily from the companies. As long as women earn less than men or are the ones who stop working when one of their children is sick, this will not change. But it must also come from the fathers. Let me explain: when my daughter was born, my boss offered me to do big assignments for the radio station, where I was, for 6 months. I refused because I wanted to be present for the birth and the first weeks of my daughter’s life. They shouted at me, it was not possible for him to refuse such an offer. But I find that when you have the opportunity, it’s a battle that you have to fight individually, one step at a time.

How can you prepare to become a father?
Indeed, becoming a father when you are not yet is not innate and can be difficult depending on your personal history. You should talk about it with your wife, have various preparatory meetings with her, do ultrasound examinations to be specific. I also think that it is necessary to discuss it with his friends. There is a male modesty that means we don’t broach the subject between men, but we have to break that. We can express our feelings.

How do you feel about the introduction of 28 days of paternity leave just a year ago?
It’s cosmetic, although obviously it’s always good to take it. In fact, we spend 28 days with the mother, so the father does not have moments alone with the baby. It would take six months of genuine parental leave for me to split between two parents, well-paid and government-funded. For example, in Denmark (where father and mother can share 32 weeks of parental leave after childbirth, editor’s note), there are groups of fathers to share or do activities with their children, and it is very visible. For things to change, we must maneuver together as a couple.

There is a masculine modesty that means we don’t touch on the topic of male fatherhood, but we have to break it.

Benjamin Mueller

The mental burden of home and children is still mostly borne by women. How to restore it to the pair?
One way to better distribute the mental load is to tell yourself as a father that having control over things is reassuring. Some people prefer to leave the planning of household chores to their wives, but in the end, you will be more relaxed if you do it too. To achieve this, I simply recommend that you write down on a piece of paper everything that the mother does and the same for the father. It allows us to talk about it calmly and smooth things over. Moreover, women themselves do not always realize what they are doing.

How do you find balance between your professional and personal life?
I don’t have much trouble because I work out of passion. I love what I do. But I force myself to be home by 5pm every day so that I can be with our kids by 9pm, and manage the rest elsewhere. It allows me to accompany them to their activities, sports and really spend time with everyone. The risk in all of this is to put your partner aside. My wife and I try to protect ourselves from it. Every Friday we take time for ourselves. a restaurant, an evening with friends… We are also lucky enough to have dinner together during the week. The couple talks and works on a daily basis. It’s an undeniable part of the equation.

There should be six months of genuine parental leave to be shared between both parents, well paid and funded by the state.

Benjamin Mueller

What advice would you give to the dads-to-be and young dads reading us?
They must be aware that the birth of their child will be both a very difficult moment and a complete happiness, the greatest of their lives. It is a shock that happens in their daily life. To be aware of this, you need to discuss with the mother before the birth what will change in their couple. Finally, if it’s too bothersome, don’t hesitate to talk about it and see your doctor or psychologist, for example.

(1) Become the father of idiotsUnder the direction of Benjamin Muller, First Editions.