If showing kindness is seen as a quality, overdoing it in a professional context can cause others to disrespect us. How to stay human without forgetting to assert yourself? Psychiatrist Francois Lelord’s advice.
He helps all his colleagues, says yes to everything that is asked of him (and with a smile), prefers to highlight the work of his peers rather than his own… Did you recognize him? This is a sketch of a good man at work. More precisely too much good, notes Francois Lelord, a psychiatrist and author of the book Be nice, but not too much (1). “When we show ourselves too modest, too conciliatory, too transparent, we allow ourselves to be dominated by our kindness, and therefore by others,” he emphasizes from the beginning. Is it not for the most useful people that we generally reserve the most thankless tasks? They always will, and not necessarily to their advantage…
If camaraderie, real “bonding” of professional relations contributes to the uninterrupted work and creativity of the team… it is not always a guarantee of recognition. In 2015, American researchers analyzed the paychecks of 10,000 employees of different ages and professions. According to the study, men labeled “the hardest” earned an average of 18% more than the best. The burn risk, as a reminder, remains higher for the latter.
Be less accommodating
How can we “protect ourselves” from such unnecessary and highly damaging kindness? Observing, first. Arranging your schedule to take over the tasks of an absent colleague or accepting a reduced deadline to accommodate someone else is always appreciated… But we still have to question the reciprocity of services provided. Does the person we help generally return the favor? If it’s not, we’re probably putting our needs and wants first.
“However, if you allow yourself to be walked on and never react, one day you will explode in anger in front of your startled colleagues,” warns François Lelord. To avoid this point, it is better to be less accommodating on a regular basis. Take some time to think before accepting a new assignment, occasionally give up overtime or take on a new job… It only takes one or two times to say no to re-educate your team or superiors and get them used to your new limits. , assures the psychiatrist. “Then we return to the habit of calmly reaching out to the people concerned, addressing points of disagreement with respect and compassion.” Contrary to what one might think, being less kind does not mean being mean, the specialist notes. “It’s just a matter of being more assertive, meaning no harm.”
Demand respect
Kindness must stop when we are disrespected, argues Francois Lelord. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to learn not to let anything slip. Ban the phrase? “We’re not going to make a big deal out of it.” Conversely, the psychiatrist invites us to be “sensitive” to behaviors or comments that reflect a lack of respect, courtesy, or kindness toward us, and to report this to the person involved in the first place. “This doesn’t necessarily mean making a scene, we can also use humor to highlight a comment we didn’t like,” continues François Lelord.
The exercise can be difficult for those whose kindness is deeply rooted. Then demanding respect requires working on temperament (emotion management) and internal dialogue (“Do I deserve to mark my space?” – the answer is yes). But above all, it is discipline in the sense of regular exercises. Expressing your point of view calmly can be learned. The calculation is virtuous, reassures the psychiatrist. “The more we try to assert ourselves in small everyday situations, the more prepared we will be to do so when the stakes are high.” Negotiating wages or working hours, e.g.
Avoid being too modest
“Excess kindness also lies in modesty,” explains Francois Lelord. While we praise our colleagues while keeping quiet about our own successes, who will contribute to our work? If this question remains unanswered, it’s time to realize your strengths and emphasize them at the right time. “Being aware of your successes allows you to be more persuasive in meetings or important conversations,” she adds. Here, of course, everything depends on the culture of each company. It’s about observing others’ level of “personal marketing” and then adapting.
Keep your distance
Kindness will also destroy those who do not trust anyone. “Someone who is too nice can feel confident with colleagues and trust intimate information, not even noticing that they will use it like competitors,” warns the psychiatrist. Therefore, it is better to be cautious before giving up on your own. “Relationships are built step by step, over time, just like trust,” he recalls. If we reveal something about our personal life, let’s wait to see if the other person does the same before continuing to trust. Learning how to adjust your kindness and assert yourself remains a learning process. Therefore, it is possible to be accompanied by a therapist or trainer.
(1) Be kind, but not too much. By Francois Lellord, published by Odile Jacob, 170 pages, €17.90.
Source: Le Figaro
