In his book, Appreciate yourself and forget yourselfThe psychiatrist emphasizes an interesting paradox. to nurture good self-esteem you must be able to… forget yourself.
Being self-centered not only risks making us unlikable, it also undermines our self-esteem, the pillar of our happiness. In his book, Appreciate yourself and forget yourself (Ed. Odile Jacob), psychiatrist Christophe Andre emphasizes a fascinating paradox. or how to nurture good self-esteem you must be able to… forget yourself.
The danger of self-illumination
For centuries, the individual has been subjected to collective rules (religion, state, etc.), which leads to withdrawal, inhibition, sometimes dark thoughts and lack of self-esteem. The whole history of psychology is based on our freedom from these strict rules. “Since the 1980s, we’ve seen the emergence of self-promotional requirements; “I deserve it”, “I have the right to it” have become many mantras in our consumer society, explains Christoph Andre. In Self-esteemIn my first book on this topic in 1999, I also argued that it is necessary to listen to oneself, to cherish oneself. But over time we went from one extreme to another. To the point of seeing an outbreak of an epidemic of narcissism.”
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TikTok and Instagram have obviously contributed to this. “We now have to put up with individuals who only care about themselves. Like this reader who worries me about having her book signed before everyone else because she doesn’t have time to wait. To all these people who are only interested in themselves, I want to say that your egoism is weakening you.”
I want to say to all these people who are only interested in themselves. your self-righteousness weakens you.
Christoph Andre, Psychiatrist
“New research on self-esteem emphasizes the necessary connection with others,” recalls Christoph Andre. Did we forget that? “The movement is twofold. those with good self-esteem generally open up to the world, unlike those who are selfish. “Me me” is a very clear sign of deep insecurity and false self-esteem. And, at the same time, this openness to others will nurture self-esteem.” A virtuous period? “Of course. When we go to a party with the prospect of meeting others, we leave nourished, energized. He who thinks only of talking without hearing anything will return home insecure, empty. And even more depending on the views of others. Christian Bobin wrote: “Those who seek the admiration of others are like slaves who have millions of masters,” recalls Christophe Andre.
Kind and firm
To nurture happiness and success, it’s better to think of yourself as cool and cool than flashy. An American study (1) proved that individuals considered “very strong” lost their ability when faced with difficult exercises, unlike others. Under pressure, the “good guys” do better because their base is stronger. Result? “It’s better to judge your child’s interpersonal skills than his intelligence,” warns a psychiatrist. The second paradox. Admiring someone “greater than oneself” is also good for our self-esteem. “In front of a master painting, a work of one of our colleagues, we shrink our egos… But we grow in the same movement. All forms of transcendence that give us gratitude or joy raise our self-esteem.” We can try. feeling very small in a forest of giant sequoias makes us feel good. “Grace is self-forgetfulness,” wrote Bernanos.
It is better to assess your child’s interpersonal skills rather than his intelligence
Christoph Andre, Psychiatrist
Be careful, admiration does not mean… control. Or a comparison. “We are social animals and as such we constantly compare ourselves to others. What was necessary in prehistoric times has become toxic in our networked societies. However, comparison feeds low self-esteem.” The champions in this field, women, unfortunately, still too often live in this competitive relationship with others. Studies show that starting in adolescence, they doubt themselves far more than their alter egos. And Christoph Andre concludes: “The ideal would be to be a ‘nice guy who knows how to say no.’ Kind and firm at the same time, having a strong connection with others while knowing how to set your own boundaries. And that’s ideal for the ego.”
(1) The study was published Journal of Personality and Social PsychologyIn 2001
Source: Le Figaro
