“I told you so”, “you are being dramatic”… How harmless sentences can hurt you

“You look tired,” “you’re being dramatic,” “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” We’ve all used catchphrases in a discussion one day without really measuring their impact. can have on the person who hears them. At first glance, they do not pose any danger. And yet. “These are sentences that are not as aggressive as insults, on the contrary,” explains psychoanalyst psychologist Etienne Dumenil. The worst are the ones that aren’t so mean at first, but keep repeating themselves.

The phenomenon is quite common. “It arises from the categorization process that we adopt from childhood,” continues Amelia Lobbe, psychologist and author of the book. Overcoming depression and burnout (1). That said, we label people and situations because it’s easier to identify them, and it provides a sense of control.” A phenomenon that can destroy self-confidence, therefore.

Judgment

In the words of ‘It’s just in your head’, ‘a person who needs to listen to the other person is not trying to put themselves in their shoes, but rather will judge the situation from their own unique perspective,’ explains Amelia Lobe. . Obviously, a simple “don’t be so dramatic” doesn’t take into account all the elements of the situation and is “a categorical judgment about the other person’s personality,” the professional continues.

The closer we are to another, the more we risk hurting them.

Etienne Dumenil, psychoanalyst psychologist

The interlocutor may then feel misunderstood and feel that their feelings are being ignored. “The person who needs help therefore has a poor self-image, this is what we call ‘self-fulfilling prophecies.’ He integrates what he is told, believes it to be the truth, eventually loses confidence in himself and acts accordingly,” says the psychologist. Phrases related to mental health, such as “you’re bipolar”, or phrases that could be described as sexist, such as “do you get your period?” or “you’re hysterical” can be particularly offensive.

Wounds rooted in time

The degree of proximity to the speaker accentuates this sense of anxiety. According to Etienne Dumain, “the closer you are to a person, the more you risk hurting him, even unintentionally.” Simply because “we tend to value people we love and respect more,” adds Amelia Lobbe.

In some cases, a simple remark can touch a sensitive spot and awaken “buried things that were not yet known to us. This is what we call a “projection system,” analyzes Etienne Dumenil. In the most extreme cases, some expressions “may even remain in the mind for years”, warns the specialist. A person identifies with the words he heard, thinks that they reflect reality. Be careful, this can sometimes lead to the development of pathologies.”

(1) Overcome depression and fatigue by Amélia Lobbé, (Ed. Leduc S), 191 p., €19.98.