5 phrases to avoid at Christmas dinner

The end of the year holidays are fast approaching and in the coming days it is very likely that your mental workload will be as heavy as Santa’s sack and your stress levels will rise. Under the question mark? Traditional family meals on December 24 and 25, which sometimes turn into scenes of passionate arguments in certain clans. Some phrases, even if uttered innocently, can act as a detonator, risking turning a happy atmosphere around the table into a minefield of anxiety or conflict. Psychosociologist Dominique Picard, an expert in social relations and author of several works on the subject (1), lists some that should be banned and explains why.

“It’s good, but it’s missing…”

Any comments about the food should be taken seriously, as they can be taken as direct insults to the person who spent several hours preparing this meal. On this special day, we will therefore leave our chef’s jury dresses in the dressing room and forget the remarks about how we prefer a certain dish or that spice that is considered a real lack of good manners at dinner, notes Dominique Picard. .

On the contrary, it is customary to congratulate the cook for the quality of the meal. “The one who prepares the meal is very often the one who most clings to the Christmas myth, to this celebration of the sacrament, and therefore gives it special importance,” notes the psychosociologist. In return, the guests should play the game and give compliments, particularly about the food, even more than usual.’ Simply put, giving thanks for the turkey and the effort that goes into preparing it creates an atmosphere of sharing and gratitude. However, be careful not to be overzealous and show your satisfaction in a rude way.

“Haven’t you put on a little weight since last year?”

In our imperfect world, each of us has our flaws, and that’s normal. Depending on the individual, it could be related to their physical appearance, their love life, their children’s academic career, or even their delicate financial situation. And who better than our closest circle, first of all parents and siblings, to know this, emphasizes the psychosociologist.

In this regard, according to the social relations specialist, negative comments or intrusive questions on these sensitive topics should be absolutely prohibited. “We have to take into account the personal sensitivity of each person and avoid putting them in a situation of anxiety or even humiliation,” explains Dominique Picard. If, in spite of everything, we choose to ignore it, it is merely a provocation, and the other person may then react violently.’

“Have you seen the latest news?”

If breaking news is imposed on our daily personal conversations, then Christmas dinner is not the place where you can charge everything that is wrong with the world, argues the psychosociologist. “Except in highly politicized families that value non-violent debate, controversial topics such as politics, religion, health or even parenting can quickly become emotionally charged and lead to disagreements, tension or sadness; which is the complete opposite of the desired Christmas attitude,” he notes.

Obviously, there is always someone who can deviate from this rule. The one who shows his unhappiness, the one who always has an opinion about everything, the one who never agrees with you. The best way to handle the situation. Above all, don’t play her game, let her talk as she pleases… only for a limited time and use irony to conclude, suggests Dominique Picard. “We can kindly tell him that we allow him his traditional quarter hour of depression or nervousness, but no more,” she explains. If that doesn’t work, ask the most influential person in the family to take him aside and kindly ask him to find more positive topics of conversation.”

“You should take an example from your brother.”

Although they claim to be treated the same, parents often cannot help but compare their children with each other, proclaim their pride when one does better, or, conversely, disappointment when faced with failure. And this continues into adulthood, confirms psychosociologist Dominique Picard.

However, these comparisons are toxic and can create unhealthy rivalries, affecting the self-esteem of the person in conflict. “Even if it’s difficult for many parents, it’s important not to supply children as adults and especially not to express past situations or labels that have not been healed,” she advises. By following this logic, we will at the same time refrain from mocking the clumsiness of the younger child, if he has already been stigmatized for his mistakes in childhood, or to minimize the opinion of the “youngest” who are often neglected in his toddlerhood. age compared to the rest of the clan.

“Do you mind if I go watch TV?”

According to the psychosociologist, there is also an important rule at Christmas: to play “good family”. Which immediately rules out any sentences or behaviors that indicate the rest of the table is bored, such as not participating in the conversation, getting up from the table to go do something else, or checking your cell phone. “No matter how long the day has passed, we just sit at the table, leave aside fatigue, work problems, disputes and traffic jams. Christmas is a holiday that allows each member of the family to show others by their presence and joy that they are happy to be a part of it and that the bond continues to exist between its members. despite the distance,” he sums up. .

For those who cannot join the game, the psychologist invites them to make an effort to last until the end of the dinner, especially to please the elders. “In the eyes of parents and grandparents, gathering happy people around the table means success in their education,” analyzes the specialist. This, after all, only happens once a year, which is cheap in terms of effort.” But if it is too difficult, there is always a way out that is easier for the family to digest. that is, pretending to be tired after a heavy meal, after dessert, slipping and not stretching until dinner, late at night.

(1) politeness, manners and social relations; By Dominique Picard, published by PUF Editions, 128 pages, €9.