In the mind of a child bully. “By dominating the other, he regains his self-respect and reinforces his narcissism.”

He is said to be a brute, a murderer, a tyrant who exploits the weaknesses of his victim, and he is only 8, 13 or 17 years old. The behavior of child bullies surprises, destabilizes and horrifies public opinion. How to explain this need to humiliate, scare, exclude others? What is really going on in the minds of these young attackers and how can we stop this escalation of violence, be it verbal, physical, virtual or all three at the same time? After the high-profile suicides of Lucas, Lindsay, and Nicholas, college students who were stalked at their school and on social media, these questions become increasingly urgent. While the government on Wednesday, September 27, unveiled an arsenal of measures to curb this phenomenon, particularly by toughening sanctions against criminals, Nicole Catlin, author of numerous works on the subject (1) and child psychiatrist, specialist in child and adolescent learning disorders. , erases preconceived ideas about the unique and perverse characteristic of the bully and tells us more about the mechanisms controlled by this child or adolescent.

Madame Figaro: What makes one child bully another?
Nicole Kathleen: There are no psychological characteristics or warning signs of school bullying. Apart from rare pathological exceptions, this behavior actually arises from the context of anxiety of a child who at a given moment in his life feels more vulnerable and loses self-confidence. This can be related to a family problem, a difficult financial situation, an unemployed parent, difficulties with siblings, school or extracurricular activities. For example, some children endure years of unwarranted and harmful criticism of their school performance or athletic performance, hearing from adults that they are worthless and will never succeed. In response, the victims will then attack someone weaker than them. By dominating the other, they acquire a sense of omnipotence that they have not known before, and which will only help them for a while to restore their self-respect and strengthen their narcissism.

If harassment is accompanied by physical violence, how does it occur?
A child’s bully does not have to be bullied to cause it. It is enough for him to be overwhelmed by strong emotions – as is often the case in childhood and adolescence – for him to act without thinking and strike. In this way, he gets rid of the tension that he could not communicate. And if, unfortunately, he was taught at school or in the family that he should knock to be heard, the child is convinced that he is within his rights to do so.

A child’s bully does not have to be bullied to cause it.

Nicole Kathleen, Child Psychiatrist

Does this behavior vary with age?
In elementary school, a bully child is easier to notice, he is more rude in his approach, even if he naively thinks that no one will notice him. But I will be careful not to jump to conclusions at this age. We really have to be careful not to interpret violence as non-violence. By the time they enter middle school, all children have a sense of their relationship with their own bodies and the bodies of others. Very often this involves fighting, kicking, punching, slapping and hair pulling. We must distinguish this natural temptation from the desire to destroy another, to make them disappear, which characterizes violent behavior. In middle and high school, this subtlety is harder to spot. If teenagers remain impulsive, they are more cautious with adults, hiding their actions more, especially on social networks. It was during this period that he let go of his parents’ arms to hold on to his friends, with whom he tried to identify. Group membership is crucial at this age, and the bully will take advantage of this dynamic. Once his victim is identified, he will call other children as witnesses to corroborate and validate the abuse through the group effect.

How can we characterize the attitude of these witnesses? Are they considered perpetrators or indirect victims of harassment?
Their attitude is mostly passive, but the followers remain criminals in the eyes of the law. After analyzing the facts, the person in danger was not really helped. Two reasons can explain this choice. either these young people have the same vulnerability as the leader and hide behind him in order to harass them in turn, looking for the most “creative” idea to anger the victim and thus confirm their participation in the group, or they prefer to join the cause of the harasser in order to in turn do not oppress.

Group membership is crucial in middle and high school, and a bully will take advantage of this dynamic.

Nicole Kathleen, Child Psychiatrist

School bullying has always been around, but with the rise of social media, you say it’s taken on a whole new dimension. In other words.
Social media has exacerbated the phenomenon, creating a sounding board for both perpetrators and victims. The package effect has multiplied on these platforms. By linking the child bully to hundreds of other people and not just his close friends, the group creates a terrifying sense of impunity. This cyberbullying on the internet has given rise to cyberbullying which is more harmful to the victims. They have nowhere to hide now. Whether they are at school or at home, they are constantly bombarded with hateful comments as soon as they turn on the screen. With no shelter and no one to listen to them, these children find themselves with their backs against the wall, to the point of assuming the worst. And unfortunately, from the beginning of my career in the 1970s until today, I have noticed every time that we have to come to measure the seriousness of the phenomenon of tragedies, suicides and initiate new sensitization work.

Whether they are bullies or followers, are they aware of the consequences of their actions?
Very often not. Children, like teenagers, are naturally self-centered and put their needs before the needs of others, regardless of the consequences. When we make them aware of the seriousness of the facts, most, especially among the elderly, claim that they did all this “just” to laugh with their friends or to blame the victim, judging that they simply did not have it. to defend himself to be heard.

When you are the parent of a bully, what do you do?‘help him realize what he has done.
Although feelings of shame and guilt are common, concerned parents should try not to view the child as a monster. And in order to raise awareness, we will avoid starting him with lectures. In order for a child to recognize his mistake, an adult must first recognize himself without seeing that he is going through a difficult time. Then we assure you that we will all work together in the direction of this situation. And when the child is assured of the parents’ support, we emphasize to him that the facts are serious, punishable by law and there will obviously be sanctions. There is no point in stressing them and emphasizing the pain caused to the victim. In fact, you should never contact the victim or their family, the school, the justice system, and psychological professionals should reach out and help reduce the feelings on each side. As a last resort, it is up to the bully to change schools, not the victim.

Bullies are the big forgotten people of school bullying

Nicole Kathleen, Child Psychiatrist

What are the effects of exposure and humiliation on the child involved?
If he was adequately supported by his family and school, there is no reason why this incident should affect his social relationships in the future. Everyone has the right to make mistakes and deserves forgiveness if they pay the consequences. On the other hand, if we repeatedly refer him to this episode of his life, repeating that we no longer trust him and that we do not trust him, he will have great difficulty digesting the event and healing his guilt. In this situation, the problem may resurface years later during parenthood. A poorly supported child bully may become a bully or a victim as an adult, because he will react disproportionately to the smallest relationship problem his child faces at school. Faced with this anxiety, the child will no longer dare to trust the parent and will look for solutions alone, even if this means getting into difficult situations.

And how do the followers live afterwards?
They are the forgotten ones of school bullying, they do not benefit from systematic support, like the main perpetrator and the victim. However, these young people are more likely to experience psychological consequences. They actually live with this guilt of not reacting and convince themselves that they are cowards. This weight can eat away at them and affect their social relationships as adults. Some become more sensitive and open to criticism and ridicule from others, even if it means reacting in an uncomfortable way so as not to repeat what they felt. This example shows how important it is to take care of everyone in these harassment cases: the victim, the harasser, and the witnesses. If, as a parent, you hear about a story of bullying at your child’s school, I invite you to discuss it with your child without further delay, ask them how they feel about this story, and if they want to talk about it.

(1) Nicole Kathleen is the author School bullying(Que sais-je collection?), published by PUF publications, 128 pages, €10 and. Suffering at schoolpublished by Albin Michel Publications, 256 pp. €17.50.