When marital conflicts multiply and only resentment and bitterness emerge, serious changes should be considered. The psychologist identifies two behaviors that must be avoided in order for disagreements to remain healthy and beneficial.
As a couple, conflict is inevitable. He is even healthy. But when arguments keep coming and going and keep repeating the same criticisms without leaving room for lasting improvement, it’s probably time to rethink how you approach arguments. in an article published on the website on August 29 Psychology today Seth J. Gillihan, an American clinical psychologist specializing in cognitive science, identifies two behaviors to avoid in order to break the deadlock and make your relationship arguments healthy.
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Keep only items that support our point of view
According to Seth Gillihan, when anger rises and we accumulate resentment toward our partner, we tend to do a kind of “selective sorting” of information. The process is simple. we replay memories of past events that have upset us over and over again and seek to accumulate evidence to show that we are right to blame the other person. We even go so far as to ignore the signals and situations in which we are wrong. “Just as it is rare to consider information that contradicts our favorite political party, it is also difficult to value the situations we experience as spouses that do not coincide with our point of view,” the psychologist shows.
Therefore, this behavior skews our judgment of the argument; “We always give the impression of being right, whatever the point of disagreement,” he says. However, it is pointless to remember that it is not always possible to play a good role in the conflicts we live.
make excuses
In the event of an argument, we also tend to analyze our own actions much more leniently than our partner’s. More precisely, this second bias is called the “fundamental attribution error.” “When we make mistakes, we easily find excuses beyond our control, whereas when mistakes are made by others, we give them all the responsibility,” says Seth Gillihan.
The practitioner suggests taking an example from a minor car accident. If our colleague was driving at the time of the collision, we are quick to blame his negligence. Meanwhile, if we were in his place, we would rather blame others’ poor visibility or bad driving. “These different explanations force us to consider other people’s mistakes as personal and reprehensible, and ours as circumstantial and not flawed,” he concludes.
How to aim for consensus
Knowing about these behaviors won’t be enough to stop fights with your partner, but will make them more beneficial. “By being clearer about how our minds work, we are less attached to our positions. We will always have a natural tendency to believe that we are right, but we will gradually discover that it is not in the best interest of our relationship to cling so stubbornly to our point of view,” emphasizes Seth Gillihan. According to the expert, it is precisely on the basis of the principle that both sides can possess a part of the truth that our disputes can really bring peace.
Finally, the clinical psychologist recommends changing the goal in arguments. Or rather, no longer trying to convince the other person, but rather aiming for consensus. “Consensus is an interesting common goal because it requires finding solutions that meet the needs of both partners. After all, you can’t “win” a relationship by trying to be right as often as possible. “The success of the couple is achieved when there is harmony,” he concludes.
Source: Le Figaro
