INTERVIEW – Four years ago, director Ovid decided to stop having sex with men. He thinks it’s too much investment for so little. He recounts his experience in his book Meat is sad, alas.
Consent to intercourse out of politeness, arbitrary pleasure, extremely rare pleasure, boredom, simulation, awkward positions, hours of preparation with heavy epilator strokes, cystitis the next day, hours of sports on an empty stomach to adhere to standards. Beauty and desirability… Here is an example of what the director Ovidi knew and no longer wanted, even to the point of ceasing sex with men.
In the video: the trailer of the documentary “Variation of Sexual Education”.
In his book Meat is sad, alasPublished March 16 by Julliard editions, the author recounts his heterosexual strike that began four years ago. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore, that sums it up in the prologue. He believes that the rejection of a very heavy investment for so little. Often referring to her past as a porn actress, this BA has spent 15 years questioning the body, feminism and sexuality through documentaries and radio docu-series (we’ll keep, among others: Where there are no prostitutes (2018), for which she received the Amnesty International Award for Best Documentary, for her investigation of obstetric violence, You will be in pain (2019), or the recent animated mini-series Free!on Arte.tv, written with Sophie-Marie Larau to help women break free of sexual cues).
In this text, with outgoing and sometimes violent words that do not hide anger, Ovid confides his exhaustion in the face of a sexuality governed by dominant relationships. She looks back on the years that forced her to break free from the male gaze, to stop behaving only to be desired, because, eventuallyto gain freedom.
Madame Figaro: How did you formalize your withdrawal from sexuality with men?
Four years was not total abstinence, firstly because I had no will to abstain and did not hold back from anything at all, and secondly because during this time I had two sexual relations with men. At first it was more of a space out of reports. One day I realized that it had been three months since I had sex with a man, then I realized that those three months turned into six months, then nine, then a year… Finally, I believe I really did withdraw. . from sexuality with men, when I realized that it doesn’t bring me anything anymore.
In other words.
I think we women tease for something: for love, for re-appreciation, but very rarely for our own pleasure. And it turns out that I do not need men’s validation, I am independent of any point of view, so they have nothing to give me. In fact, heterosexuality cost me dearly.
I walked away from sexuality with men when I realized it wasn’t getting me anything anymore
Ovid
You summarize the situation as follows. “One day I couldn’t». What exactly led you to this conclusion?
All the preparations for sex with a man are a problem for me, this whole dance of seduction, this time before the appointment for waxing, applying nail polish, choosing underwear… Not to mention the report after, painful after. – sales service, to combat cystitis or fungal infections. I can’t stand all the cost of being a woman, these instructions, this damage we do to our bodies to stay beautiful. I find the game not worth the candle, that sexuality with men requires too much investment for so little, for female pleasure that is too often optional.
Did you feel marginalized when you stopped having sex with men?
The marginality is there in that I’m a little young to be closing up shop. At the age of 42, I am close to the expiration date, people still consider me, they say to themselves that I have good balance, the society considers that I can still serve. My primary function as a woman is not to work or even to be a mother, but to be wanted. So when you come out of sexuality, you feel marginalized, unnoticed. Media cultural productions such as soap operas, pubs and even some jokes are no longer meant for us; we are no longer concerned. In letting go of sexuality, we also recognize that it has infused all of our social interactions. There is a constant game of seduction. I notice this in my work when a producer unbuttons or blinks during a meeting with a broadcaster… This does not mean that all of our executives want to sleep with us, but rather that we are always considered a potential target. It’s like the promise of an unfinished relationship.
Do you miss sex with men?
No. What I miss is the touch, the tenderness, the cuddling in front of the movie, the desexual contact. And I’m not sure all men are capable of having a relationship with a woman without sexualizing her. When we have a physical relationship that is too tender, too intimate, the risk is too great that the person will want to kiss us, that it will degenerate. So, even if I miss the touch, I don’t prefer to take risks, I’m not ready for what’s coming.
“Flesh is sad, alas,” by Ovid Ed. Juilliard
What is your vision of men?
I hate them in bed. There are men around me that I love madly, friendships of very long dates, men that I value, for example, at the highest point of work. But the problem remains the same. from the moment we enter the sexual dimension, when they close the bedroom door, these “good” men are no longer the same, they no longer care about equality, and I find them disappointing, disgusting.
We were raised to please each other, to please each other, sometimes even to smile out of politeness
Ovid
How do you respond to those who would object that not all men are like that?
Of course, I haven’t tried them all. However, nothing has proved to me the contrary of what I have written, neither my own experience, nor what my friends say, nor what strangers have confided to me for all these years of work on these matters. Of course, not everyone is malicious, but they do not realize what sex with them is. Because we weren’t told, and because we weren’t taught to say it.
In this regard, you write that the problem is that women accept without protest that they have to satisfy the other person without demanding anything in return.
We have been brought up to please, to think about what we can do to please the other person, and sometimes to chew out of politeness. We weren’t taught to have fun. Moreover, society forces us to understand that the purpose of our life is to find a man, form a couple and do everything to keep it. I think there is a fear in us that we are no longer wanted and that the other will go elsewhere, so we accept that we are badly suffocated, that our pleasure is arbitrary and worse, we make the other believe that ” we like it to flatter our egos.” . It is in this sense that I say that we are accomplices, women are in voluntary slavery. And we even managed to deceive ourselves when we say “I do waxing, but it’s for me”, “I want to lose weight, but it’s for me”, it’s wrong. We obey these imperatives to please. If we did something for ourselves, we would eat chips and not dye our hair.
Have you blamed yourself for accepting what you now refuse?
Yes! Having worked on feminism and sexuality for over 20 years, I blame myself for wasting so much time, for accepting what I shouldn’t have accepted, for bending over backwards to please men who didn’t deserve it, who were different. they were good men in a way, but who did not return the favor to me. I feel anger at myself and anger at other women who have been subjected to it like me.
We accept that we are badly beaten, that our pleasure is selective and worse, we make the other person believe that it is our pleasure to stroke their ego.
Ovid
You say that things are changing, that we are experiencing a civilizational hiatus after the Metoo movement…
Yes, the lines do move, and the force of opposite resistance proves it. for women and feminists speaking out on social media, it’s never been more brutal than it is now. This Metoo movement is about much more than sexual violence. Since 2017, I feel disappointment. We began to reconsider the couple, to deconstruct sexuality. The politicization of intimacy forces women to tell themselves that they just don’t want it anymore. When I talk about these issues, I get a lot of messages from some who are questioning themselves, thinking about a more equal couple. And I believe that sex with men is too limiting and frustrating, and that some don’t want to push themselves anymore.
Your book also questions the place of sex in a couple. You say that we are tormented by the idea that a couple without sexuality is not one. According to you, isn’t sex the cement of relationships?
No, I believe it is not. Some couples feel good, share a lot and have sex once a month or every two months. Conversely, others sleep together and are not in unconditional love. There is a real imperative to fuck. When we don’t, we feel abnormal. I happened to have a conversation with a friend of mine who complained that her partner had not touched her for a month. I then asked him if he missed it, he replied “no but still”. I replied, if you don’t let it go, what’s the problem? He answered: “that means he doesn’t want me.” And that’s the whole point. Many couples panic when the sex is lacking, when the desire disappears. Some even distinguish themselves by concluding that if there is no desire, then there is no love. I think that is wrong. Before we panic, we need to review our patterns.
There is a real imperative to fuck. Many couples panic and break up when the sex is lacking, the desire is gone. I think that is wrong.
Ovid
How can we revise our patterns for a more egalitarian heterosexuality?
If I had a solution, I wouldn’t have been on strike for 4 years (laughs)! I think that it will be enough to start by getting out of heteronormativity, to put an end to the performances revolving around the cutis. We need to challenge the idea that sex starts with an erection and ends with ejaculation. That alone would be a huge step. I believe we can remedy the situation and hope for a more egalitarian heterosexuality. It will not be for my generation, but for the next ones. Philosopher Manon Garcia (author: “The conversation of the sexes»Editor’s Note:) recently told me. “We’ve done all the gymnastics we can, now it’s up to the men to move.” Everything is said. But they still have to want it. As long as they don’t move, we will be in an endless war of the sexes. A draw is possible, provided both want to play.
In the video, sexuality and consent. gray zone
Source: Le Figaro
