INTERVIEW – In Living after MarkNoemi Silberg admits to the trials of widowhood after losing her husband to devastating cancer.
Noemi Silberg is not a writer. If he starts writing, one day in 2021, it is to get rid of what is in his stomach and head, to throw away the past year, he says today. That day, she sits next to her husband in their bedroom with her laptop in her arms. He lies next to her in a coma, sprawled out on a medical bed.
That year, 41-year-old Noemi Silberg told about it Living after Mark (Herman Publications). Her husband fell ill in January 2020 at the age of 42. He was first diagnosed with a harmless stomach flu, then sepsis after excruciating wrist pain. The infection and the suffering that comes with it is the prelude to the drama. In May, Mark learns that he has cancer. He died a few months later, on January 19, 2021.
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At the age of 39, Noemi Silberg, the mother of two children aged 5 and 3, is a widow. What forces do we use to move forward when everyday life changes overnight? How do we accompany the convicts? How do we prepare for his death? With a wonderful foreword by Delphine Horwillur, Noemi Silberg tells her love story, struggles with illness, grief, and bereavement. Then happiness and peace, possibly after tragedy. Meeting.
Madame Figaro: What happens in our brain when we learn such a diagnosis about the person with whom we built our life?
Noemi Silberg. The ground opens up beneath you. Throughout my life I have been blessed to be drama free and raised to believe that things always work out. The day the cancer was announced, I hit a wall, I realized that I wasn’t going to wake up from the nightmare and we weren’t going to find a solution. I knew that nothing would be the same in my life, that I would no longer have this innocence; it’s like a whole filter has disappeared from my life.
How do we manage to move forward when we know the other is doomed?
For the first few weeks I couldn’t. I was depressed. I woke up crying in the morning, I went to bed crying at night. In the car, alone, I screamed like an animal because the pain was unbearable. I was ashamed because he was dignified, modest and brave. I felt that I had no right to complain, at least no more than him. At the end of May, we found out that he had cancer, in July I “got up”. I don’t know how I got there, but I had no other choice. had to succeed.
The day the cancer was announced, I knew that nothing would ever be the same in my life, that I would never have this innocence again.
Noemi Silberg
You write that the test of illness is also separation. How does the latter come true?
I had to live in isolation because Mark wanted to keep his illness a secret. Apart from a few relatives, no one knew. So I had to say nothing when I spent my time talking with my friends. At work I had to not let anything show, act like everything was fine. As a mother, I should have been happy to gradually inform them about their father’s health. My wife’s role was no longer the same. Mark and I did everything together, but during his illness he sometimes had to be alone out of modesty. I felt useless, I was just going to take medicine, it was unbearable for me. It was very difficult, but it was important for me to respect Mark’s wishes.
Didn’t the secret isolate you? Didn’t that reinforce the feeling of loneliness?
On the contrary, I would say that it gave me a lot of strength. It taught me to be dignified, to smile, not to complain. I think it allowed me to be okay no matter what. And then, however surrounded we may be, the truth is that on a daily basis we are alone. Even today, I am lucky to have friends and family who are real barriers around me, but I am the only one who raises my children and manages the troubles. I am as surrounded as I am lonely.
“Living After Mark” by Noemi Silberg Ethan is coming
How did you manage to make the children live an easy daily life, when yours was no longer easy?
I promised Mark that we would be happy. He was so much that it was a bit like I had to take over. “Being nice” to my kids was my obsession at the time. Not to mention that I don’t like to be pathos at all. For example, I don’t go to the cemetery, even today, every time I mention my husband, it’s to say something funny. That doesn’t stop us from being sad and crying sometimes, of course. It happens that my son wakes up at night and tells me he wants a daddy. When we get angry, my daughter can tell me “it wouldn’t be the same if daddy was there”. I find it very natural. I often tell them that you can be happy when you are going through hard times.
When one learns that the other is going to die, it is impossible not to think about the consequences. At night I gave his funeral speech, I wondered if I would ever be able to love again
Noemi Silberg
A disease that condemns requires mourning for the patient as long as he lives. How do we prepare for death?
When one learns that the other is going to die, it is impossible not to think about the consequences. At night I was speaking at his funeral, I was thinking how I will raise my children alone if I can love again. I was thinking: if I meet someone and end my life with this person, which of these two will I be buried with? This is how you begin your mourning. I was able to prepare myself and enjoy every moment of it. When I was near him, sometimes I closed my eyes saying to myself: “Remember this moment for the rest of your life.” I would not be the same today if Mark had died suddenly.
How did you talk to your children about their father’s health during his illness?
Since they were only 4 and 2 when he got sick, and since kids at this age don’t have the same concept of time as we do, I was careful not to say too much about it, and especially early on. Gradually I told them about what they could see. At first, during this sepsis, I said that my father has a very bad wrist, then it is difficult to breathe and he is in the “doctor’s house”. When Mark started chemotherapy for his cancer, I explained to the children that their father had a stomach ailment and that it was causing him pain. Then gradually I started to say that sometimes the doctors did everything, but it was not always possible to treat and cure people.
How to find the right words?
In particular, the psychologist helped me. When Mark fell into a coma one Monday morning, I called him to ask if I should tell the kids, and he advised me to use certain words. When they came home from school, I said I wanted to talk to them. I explained to them that their father is in a coma and is not going to wake up. I saw a definite change in my daughter’s face, she was shaking, so to reassure her I added that they would be able to kiss her, tell her they love her, take pictures of her. When I went to the bedroom to make sure the children could come in, I found her dead. It was a winter evening, it was late, I didn’t want them to say goodbye to him like that. I chose to tell them the next morning. This is the only time I lied to them. We turned off the lights, I made them stand up, I told them they could kiss, my daughter took the picture. The night was a nightmare. Mark was dead, and somehow that was a relief; I wanted him to be freed from his suffering.
The kids were 4 and 2 so I made sure not to say too much and especially not too soon
Noemi Silberg
How did the announcement come about?
The next day, when I woke up, I looked at my phone, as if to review the words of advice from a psychologist. I told them that dad’s heart had stopped, he wasn’t breathing, and that meant he was dead. I cried. I told them that we were going to have a very hard time, but that I had promised my father that we would be happy.
How do you keep Mark’s memory alive with your children?
I don’t feel like I’m bringing it to life, he’s always there, I feel like I’m connected to him all the time. I quote it all the time and so do my kids. This helps prolong the few memories they have. Everyone has a book that contains photos of friends and family. They have a “dad box” that holds all the memories and they slip pictures in there for Father’s Day. We also have many happy videos about him and his family. I also filmed his funeral if you ever want to watch it. And then there’s this letter that Mark wrote that I read to them over Christmas. Inside, he gives them the keys to happiness, tells about his passions, about what made him happy every day of his life.
Through your book, you affirm that it is possible to be happy when you survive a tragedy.
Yes! By writing this book, I realized everything I needed to be good. I had to take care of my sleep, go out, see people, fall in love again. Since then I try to be good with myself, listen to myself, have minimal restrictions. I find my life complicated enough as it is, so I might as well make it easy. Today, not a minute goes by that I don’t think about him and miss him, but I am happy and I don’t force myself to be. I am sure that it is possible. In any case, it is important to give yourself the opportunity to be happy and not to forbid it in the first place.
Not a minute goes by that I don’t miss him, but I’m happy and I don’t force myself to be.
Noemi Silberg
That’s right, how to allow yourself to love again?
It takes time. In the year of mourning, it was impossible to “review my life”, I only wanted to dedicate myself to him, only to his memory. Then, a year and a half later, everything changed. I talked to the kids about it, told them that my dad was fine with me having another lover. Mark and I had discussed the subject during his illness, we barely mentioned it, he couldn’t talk more about it, but it was enough for me. I had to get his approval. And today I feel no guilt. Mark will always hold this special place in me.
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Source: Le Figaro
