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“Super helper syndrome”. how (too much) helping others kills slowly

Helping others before ourselves can harm our mental health. Getty Images:

Attentive listening, constant presence… For some, altruism takes an extreme form: they help others, even if it means forgetting themselves. However, the behavior is not immune to mental health.

There is this friend who calls us only when necessary, or this complete stranger who suddenly and strongly confided in us in the evening. And then those overtime hours that we naturally work, because our superior could not do without us, we are sure of that. Some people tend to always put others before themselves, to always help family, friends, colleagues or spouses at the expense of their own needs. Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, both British psychologists, call this behavior “overhelper syndrome.” They theorize this in their book Super-helper syndromepublished in September 2022 (1).

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Both psychologists observe common beliefs in individuals affected by the syndrome. help is the only way to be a good person, to receive love and approval; their job is to save the world, and finally, the others could not live without their help, and they have no real needs.

physical and mental exhaustion

While altruism is obviously perfectly honorable, the extreme version is ultimately damaging to mental health. Being a super-helper risks being physically and emotionally draining, Rod Vincent immediately informs us. “We give, give, give and then we are empty, we have nothing to give,” he comments. Results? A person may suffer from poor quality sleep, physical pain, and unstable mood with a strong tendency to agitation.

The super assistant even suffers from burnout or depression. The process is simple. “His desire to support others is so boundless that he will do it to the detriment of his own health, he forgets himself in his contribution,” explains psychoanalyst Marjorie Lugari.

resentment and anger

Another characteristic of a super helper is providing constant presence and listening to others without claiming for themselves. Only by asking for nothing will we actually get nothing in return. For example, this partner, whom we always ask questions about, about whom we remember all the details of his life and for whom we are always present, will continue to trust and will be very little interested in seeing what is happening to us. side

Resentment is like a rubber band that you stretch, if you pull on it too much it will crack and hurt both sides.

Jess Baker, psychologist and co-author of the British book The Super Helper Syndrome

Over time, this imbalance can lead to resentment and anger, which can escalate into verbal or physical violence. “Resentment is like a rubber band that you pull,” comments British psychologist Jess Baker, co-author of the book. Super-helper syndrome. If you pull too hard on it, it will crack and damage both sides.”

Operational risk

These unbalanced social relationships can become toxic. “Without realizing it, an affective interdependence will develop between the person receiving help and the person who needs help to make sense of their existence,” explains psychoanalyst Marjorie Lugari. This reinforces the toxicity of the relationship and the dysfunction of each.”

By never mentioning their own needs and taking into account the wishes of others, the super helper leaves the field open for exploitation. “On meeting him, some therefore act as if he has no needs and can always ask for more from him,” echoes psychologist Jess Baker. The super-helper becomes vulnerable and can, in extreme cases, become a victim of narcissistic perverts, for example.”

Harmful self-criticism

After all, if super-helpers are full of benevolence to those around them, to themselves, they are very demanding. “When they’re feeling exhausted, they think, ‘I need to have more energy,’ when they’re upset, they think, ‘I need to be able to give without expecting anything in return,’ and when they feel taken advantage of, they think “I should be able to.” say no,” says Jess Baker.

They blame themselves for not doing more, for not acting sooner. This constant dissatisfaction and self-criticism gradually erodes self-esteem.

(1) Super-helper syndrome By Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, (English), Flint Books.

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Source: Le Figaro

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