“Construction site is therapy” when building a house puts the couple to the test

When 43-year-old Lucy* bought this abandoned house in the Bordeaux area with her partner, she probably never imagined spending her weekends and evenings there for five years. In all seasons, despite the fatigue of work and personal worries, they put all their energy into it together. Amidst the wreckage, they shared moments of despair as well as satisfaction at a successful serve or frame. The project was huge, reflecting the expectations it brought with it, the prospect of developing in their own image, in an affordable, comfortable, sustainable place that they would build themselves.

A heavy translation of their pursuit of happiness. Because the house, what we inherit, acquire, even more so what we build or renovate, does not turn into four soulless walls. Since the distant times of prehistoric caves, it has played an anthropological role for protection and recreation, recalls Denis Bernadette, scientific director of Leroy Merlin Source, a habitat research network. And in the society of the 2020s, this does not avoid the issues that concern us: the ubiquity of digital technology, remote work, home health care and, of course, the ecological transition.

A mirror of an era’s concerns

If a house reflects the concerns of an era, it also expresses the personalities of those who live there. “It’s an extension of the self, consciously and unconsciously,” recalls Claire Duprez, a residential harmony consultant. Designing a place of life is related to deep foundations: one’s childhood home, the relationships experienced there, the needs it implies, the things it contains, but also the way a person perceives their living space. Therefore, it is not surprising that through a project developed together, certain individual aspirations arise and sometimes collide with others. Alia Bengana is an architect, teacher, and graphic novel author Concrete : Investigation of Aragavaz (read the box). He has accompanied many couples and appeared at the forefront of their intimate issues.

Conclusion: “The construction site is couples therapy, for better or for worse,” he claims. 42-year-old Marine can only agree. He even describes the process as “a great leap into the unknown.” For this Parisian, 2020 was a revolution. birth of a child, resignation from work, departure to Sart, where he bought a mill with his partner. Rehabilitating the outbuilding to turn it into a greenhouse becomes a means of generating income and supporting their central permaculture farm project. If they started with stars in their eyes, reality catches up with them. Of course, they had agreed that he, the “handier and the master”, would mainly manage the area, but it was not easy for him to manage their little one and the 100 square meter house on a daily basis with a companion. in addition to his work during the week, he consumes himself with work on weekends.

A construction site that drags on

“It had a big impact on our family cocoon. We almost left each other several times,” he admits. Losing a lot of money to a bankrupt craftsman didn’t help matters A project takes months, even years. To begin together, you must have strong shoulders, literally and figuratively, the energy necessary to control the craftsmen, to face the dangers… Something of the order of insecurity, of uncertainty is manifested. The construction site is very stressful, confirms Claire Duprez. It can even become a place of friction and tension, hence the importance of clearly defining everyone’s role upstream. You have to take your place, express your needs. In addition to this stage of material construction, the couples agree to start the interior finishing works as well.

Be clear with the budget, agree on priorities, discuss the communication between the parents’ bedroom and the children, the position of the kitchen in the house or the creation of your own space, which are expressions of very deep aspirations… “Sometimes the project is also the assumption of power by one or the other, with the person who will make decisions for both of them or force them to choose,” analyzes Alia Bengana. “The construction site pushes the boundaries of the couple,” summarizes Claire Duprez. Lucy and her companion also experienced tremors. “Communication, solidarity, team spirit saved us.” He feels that this project was only possible “because it was him and no one else.”

come out stronger

They came out of the ordeal strengthened. Marine, for his part, believes that “the hope of implementing the long-term project” was kept in front of them. Like a marathon, the finish line of which would eventually appear on the horizon; We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. It was too much.” “When a couple clashes, it’s because there hasn’t been enough communication upstream or they haven’t done enough psychological work,” analyzes Claire Duprez. But most of the time, projects end well because they are part of a desire to move forward together and plan a shared future.

Denise Bernadette actually states that “memory has a good taste of fading” and that couples forget the big and small problems in order to preserve only the satisfaction of the past trip. “It makes us smile when we think about the meals we ate on the construction site,” assures Lucy. Once, after finishing our clay plaster, in front of this velvet wall of which we were so proud, we went to make a jacuzzi to pay ourselves. We motivated ourselves by giving ourselves breaks and little pleasures.”

A sense of “accomplishment”.

While their accommodation is almost complete, Marine evokes a unifying feeling of “accomplishment” and “tremendous pride” in her lover. And if his relationship was damaged, he believes today that they have passed the most difficult part. “But I think the day we put down the ‘Welcome Home’ doormat, we’re going to start crying,” he jokes.

When it wants to be ecological and sustainable, a living space project reflects an additional commitment. Marine considered it, but supplying organics added “constraints and additional costs. We didn’t want to set the bar even higher.” However, the couple was supported by the association Maisons paysannes de France, which promotes the preservation of rural heritage and the preservation of ancestral building techniques.

The result: they managed to keep the original beams and terracotta tiles as well as the old bread oven and therefore the character of the place. Indeed, bio-sourced and alternative materials still remain rare, explains Alia Bengana, and need to be better known and understood in their entirety, their value, generally higher, their use, existing sectors… Making these choices together reaffirms common values. .

Build your own world

Today Lucy’s house is ready. The exposed beams, the insulation, the furnace’s heating method, everything is designed to limit the carbon footprint. A perfectionist, he sees some flaws, but he feels good there. With this experience, he is no longer intimidated by the prospect of the next project. For Marinet and her partner, who left Paris to pursue their dream of a permaculture farm, this job was only the first step in a broader life project aligned with their values. “I didn’t participate much in the works, but after cultivating the land, I will start without hesitation,” he rejoices. Hands in cement, plaster or soil, the same fight. Build your own world… Together!

* The name has been changed.