There is an art and form to the right apology and conflict resolution. This is what psychotherapist Carolyn Sharp describes in an article written by herself and published in the media. Psychology today.
Make it yours My fault is much more complicated than you might think. Failure to offer a genuine apology during a conflict with a loved one can further damage the relationship. A communication error has been added to the original error that caused the dispute. That’s what psychotherapist Carolyn Sharp sees all too often in her office. In order to avoid such situations, the American specialist in an article written by him and published on the website identifies five bad ways of apologizing. Psychology today on June 26.
Disclaim any liability
The first wrong step. not taking responsibility for your part and believing that the other person was hurt because of their sensitivity. “Saying ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is not an excuse,” warns Carolyn Sharp. It’s like saying, “I’m sorry you’re crazy enough to feel that way,” or “I’m sorry you’re stupid enough to feel that way.” Such statements risk making the other person’s displeasure worse and making the situation worse. And for good reason. “You are not responsible for your actions and, believe me, your partner knows it,” the specialist insists.
Making excuses
“Sorry, butAdding this sign of opposition after his pardon cannot be a true pardon. It generally represents “a rationalization or justification for your actions that serve you rather than help your partner,” assures the psychotherapist. Who has never said the words “I’m sorry, but I was tired”? “By doing that, you’re just making excuses and not apologizing,” he continues. In this way, it is not possible to restore the other person’s injury.
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Feel sorry for him
THE: My fault should not aim to gain pity from others. From then on, we put aside self-pitying statements like, “I’m the worst partner in the world,” “I’m horrible,” or even “It’s horrible that you have to put up with me every day.” . These statements “flip the script” by focusing on our remorse rather than the feelings of the offended person. “This forces the hurt partner to care about the person who hurt them and creates an imbalance in support and attention,” warns Carolyn Sharp. After all, it does “significant damage” to the relationship.
Apologetic lip service
A simple “sorry”. lip service is not a real apology. It is more proof that we do not care about the situation. These are what psychologists call “disposable excuses” in the sense that “they lack the real focus and intention necessary for healing.” Not to mention the apologies demanded in an angry tone, such as “Okay, okay, okay, I’m sorry” or even “Are you happy now?” “These words do nothing to improve the situation and in general aggravate the feeling of hurt in the other person,” warns the specialist.
Punish the other
After all, there’s no point in apologizing if you later make the other person pay for the apology. A typical example. “Okay, sorry, I’ll never try to help you again.” Such “punitive apologies” are a form of “gaslighting,” a manipulative technique “that involves making the victim look like the problem is because they need care, have feelings, or have witnessed something harmful,” says Carolyn Sharp. According to him, this is the most toxic form of false apologies, which has no place in a healthy relationship.
Source: Le Figaro
