“I can’t live without him, and vice versa.” female companionship, saving power

“Take my love, I’ll be a seaweed pulled out of the water, like a crab shell […] Take away from me the love I have for my friends, the devouring rush that throws me to all human life, what is attractive and mysterious about it, and I shall be nothing more than a colorless fiber that can be thrown away. to throw If the writer Virginia Woolf lays the origin of this magnificent hymn of friendship, which she addresses to the composer Ethel Smith, it is because the connections with women powerfully helped her in the chaotic situation of life.

Friends, is it clear? Friendship may exist in all societies around the world, but for women it has not always been obvious. Humanities teacher-researcher Béatrice Sommier, who specializes in social anthropology, recalls: “For too long these relationships, by definition free and voluntary, were nevertheless limited by standards imposed by men. The main thing was to instill in the girls the need to find a groom. In the end, we had friends to make it easier to meet the man who would be the husband and father of her children.’ Historian Aicha Limbadan, in Wedding night, a story of marital intimacy (Ed. La Découverte), recalls the control exerted over discussions between women in order to keep intact the secret of deflowering and thus male dominance. “Maintaining friendship meant taking political, economic and cultural control. We understand that men wanted to keep the privilege of this relationship at home, more social than emotional,” sums up Béatrice Sommier.

Unbreakable connection

Reflecting societal developments, the contours of friendship have changed, however. “When extended family was very present, relationships with our sisters, nieces, nephews were part of women’s culture. With the massive entry of women into the labor market, family and children took up less time, and friendships made it possible to open up more to the outside world,” analyzes Quebec psychologist Rose-Marie Charest. In today’s society, where the couple is no longer the only horizon, where 44% of marriages end in divorce, female friendships seem to have a vengeance. Sociologist Eva Iluz also wants their symbolic reevaluation. “We’ve spent so much time trying to rescue imprisoned princesses in dungeons, dreaming of frog royalty, looking into each other’s eyes in kitsch candlelight, returning exhausted from yet another boring meeting, that we’ve completely forgotten to celebrate a more mysterious and no less noble feeling: friendship. “, he wrote Philosophy Magazine, in 2022.

Wow, that’s definitely for Celine, 49. “It’s the story of a lifetime,” she says of Lawrence, her best friend of twenty-eight years. When the two nurses meet in the neonatal hospital. First of all, they are united by the “passion of care”. A classic for Rose-Marie Charest, reminding us that friendship is built on shared values ​​and interests. But then hook atoms and tenderness are created, cementing the unbreakable bond. “We never left each other again,” he concludes. They lived as roommates for a year and a half, and when Celine moved in to get a taste of independence, she moved in… in front of her boyfriend. Even today, they live 500 meters away from each other, practice yoga every week, and go on vacation twice a year. But above all. “We went through everything together. My illness, his mother’s death. I can’t live without him, and vice versa.”

For us it’s good or bad till death do us part.

Celine, a nurse

Celine created a family, in which single Lawrence has his place. Celine enjoys it. “For better or for worse, we are ’til death do us part.” What a couple no longer makes up for, companies can. 29-year-old Pauline stumbles. We create a life with our friends, “this family we choose.” This journalist has been in a relationship for several months, but she still spends the same amount of time with her friends. “I saw my mother very alone when she was married to my father. When they broke up, she suffered from depression for ten years, and it was the failure of her life. Inoculated from this inevitable suffering, Pauline, accustomed to being surrounded by a group of friends since adolescence, cannot imagine herself without them. Walks, weekends, they are very united. “And I can talk about anything without feeling judged.”

Freedom, equality, friendship

The same comfort, without the mask, for 40-year-old Leslie. “My friends are reliable, life companions, almost sisters. There is no modesty in expressing our feelings. I could give more kidneys to friends than to a boy,” she jokes. For this single mother, friendships are a real glue, a strength she felt during her pregnancy. Calls, moments of support, support during her ultrasound and taking care of her baby daughter. “My friends saved me,” he says, convinced that they will be there for life. “I think more about friendship than about lost love,” confides this theater administrator.

Indeed, “friendship is not a bet on the future,” adds writer Chloe Delum, who led the collective effort. Habit (Ed. Points) featuring Juliet Armani and Lola Lafo. He likes its stability and durability. Because, yes, these relationships “are based on equality, which cannot be said for spouses, who often go through a series of inequalities, such as household problems, wages, leisure time…”, recalls Beatrice Bedspring. In theory, a relationship without jealousy, without exclusivity, selfless, where there is no struggle to win or sexual desire that fades. Company takes the form of a cocoon of kindness that is needed more than ever. Even more for women.

It’s not compensation for being single, it’s a fixed point in an anonymous brothel

Chloe Dellum, writer

Economic and health crises, wars in Ukraine or the Middle East, attacks… In a context where once strong bonds such as family or business become unstable, companies seem like pillars. “Friendship is a refuge that allows you to escape the world’s misery,” affirms Beatrice Sommier. In true friendship, we talk about anything, including anxiety-provoking topics. Chloe Delum admits that she “discovered in recent years that friendship is infinitely more precious than love. It’s not a compensation for celibacy, it’s a fixed point in an anonymous brothel. “This ‘mess’ also takes the form of all the injustices experienced by women: violence, sexism, economic instability…behind the scenes, perhaps, a sense of ‘common fate’.” “I also have friendships with straight men, but with other people who have experienced sexism, there is an understanding, an agreement, because we feel it in our bodies,” says Chloe Delum.

Long lasting love

From sorority to sorority, a concept born out of the feminist movement in the 1970s, the move is easily made. “Friendship is forged in struggle,” says Rebecca Amselem, creator of Feminist Newsletter. Glorious. As in Thelma and Louise or all of Almodóvar’s films.’ Stereotypes about female friendship, necessarily superficial or competitive, are gradually being deconstructed. Friendship provides a sense of empowerment, Celine believes, knowing what it’s like to live in an “exclusive” relationship. He who has already lived with Lawrence happily imagines living with him in the future. “Only in the big house. Because he’s a mess and I’m super manic,” she admits with a laugh. The same ideal for Leslie, inspired by the Maison des Babayagas (in Montreux, near Paris), a feminist residence for older women. Pragmatic, he is well aware that “women live longer”, but he sees it above all as a guarantee of solidarity, kindness and respected closeness between friends of different ages and health conditions.

On her last birthday, Rebecca Amselem received a card from her best friend. English journalist Dolly Alderton, an author she admires, is quoted above: He was fascinated by so much truth.